Watching or being watched

Watching or being watched

Watching or being watched

If someone asked me, I would say that I don’t enjoy watching or being watched in a sexual sense. I am not an exhibitionist and I am not a voyeur, and yet, there is something about it that does appeal to me. HL watches me all the time. It is his thing and I wrote about that last week in my Monochromatic post. The picture above is another example of an incident when he was snapping away and I was unaware. It was a bit of an issue for me when we first met and I felt the need to manage the parts of me he saw, but we are so far beyond that now; the intimacy between us and the sort of relationship we have means that I have got used to being his.

Under his gaze

Being his does make a difference. He can ask me to undress for him when it suits him. He can stop me as I am getting changed and tell me to do something, or simply to pause while he looks at me. He makes it obvious what he is doing and the intimate inspections which often begin our scenes and set the tone are an extreme version of this. This isn’t really voyeurism as I am fully aware of what he is doing, but the reason behind it has come from the fact that he has been watching me, and something in his head has made him take the feelings he has and shift them to the next level.

I sometimes make a fuss of this but actually I like it. In fact, it forms part of the dance that we do around each other by sharing the way we are feeling and drawing the other into feeling the same. So while being watched on its own doesn’t send a thrill through me, the fact that it leads to something else does. It works to keep the heat there, the sexual charge, the feeling that I am wanted and desired. So ultimately, I do enjoy the role that it plays in our relationship.

Watching Others

Watching others isn’t something that I do either. I am not really a visual person in that sense, so if I am watching it tends to be from a place of interest rather than sexual arousal. I like to see how others do things and I am interested in seeing the connection between people. I have been disappointed when we were at venues where people were playing. To me, the connection between HL and I feels tangible and I had hoped that this would come across when watching others play. I am not saying for one moment that the people participating didn’t feel that sort of connection to each other, but it wasn’t certainly wasn’t visibly obvious to me.

This could be to do with the venue. If I were to watch someone in a more private setting where it was quieter and more intimate, then perhaps it would be different. This is something that I would like to do. Clearly the opportunity would need to present itself but that being said, I think if it did, I might find it had a different effect on me that the previous play I have witnessed. For me, it all begins with my thoughts so the relationship between the participants is always my focus, rather than what they are actually doing. It is about the effect that is has on each of them and I think that is what would lay the ground for me to be drawn in.

Being Watched

I have also been thinking about being watched by others. As I have said I am not an exhibitionist, so the thrill isn’t naturally there for the thought of being observed; however, being the exhibit is quite something else for me. My kink is rooted in erotic humiliation and shame at wanting the things that I do, so for that to become something which is exposed to others will push me deep into my submissive space. Although it is hard to cope with, the cognitive dissonance that it creates for me means that I slip into a place where I can become what he needs me to be.

I realise that this sounds like an irony because on one hand I am saying I don’t want to do these things and on the other I am saying that it really turns me on when he makes me. This stems from the fact that as person I am very self-conscious and I control that by managing my emotions and regulating them, my actions and my behaviour. To have that control slowly taken away from me, so that I let go bit by bit, is almost intoxication in terms of the sense of freedom and abandon that it brings.

The Fantasy Observer

Until now this has been something which has only been explored with HL, but if I think about him exposing me for what I truly am to others, that adds yet another layer. Our online life means that sometimes there are opportunities for things which will further this and we have played around with that a little. Another thing we have done is to explore through role-play and the use of narrative, so that we can try out things in fantasy which we can’t necessarily do in real life.

This has been an interesting experiment and the time to think and explore my thoughts on it during lockdown has left me feeling much closer to being able to act on some of these fantasies. The idea of being almost like a third party to the discussions taking place, and being spoken about as if I am not there, is particular arousing. Feeling depersonalised in that sense combines with the anguish of being exposed as the needy greedy person I become sexually, and I am forced to give up the part of myself that holds me back and regulates me.


Candaulism, or candaulesism, is a paraphilic sexual practice or fantasy in which one person (usually a man) exposes his (usually female) partner, or images of her, to other people for their voyeuristic pleasure. Candaulism is also associated with voyeurism and exhibitionism.


If I were going to label my kink, it would definitely fit better under candaulism rather than voyeurism, and I have written a longer piece, Candaulism ~ Being an Exhibit, where I have explored this further. Essentially, being the exhibit is at the root of what is erotic for me, but within our dynamic that comes about because HL is more of a voyeur and an exhibitionist. Within any relationship, especially a power exchange, the desire to meet the needs of the other can mean that often what one party does sparks, something within the other.

4 Thoughts – The Gaze

Tell Me About – Voyeurism

If you want to know more about role-play then you might enjoy this beginner’s guide that I wrote for The SafeworD/s Club
Posted in Erotic Humiliation, Play, Scenes and Kink, Tell Me About ..., Throwing Caution To The Window and tagged , , , , , .


  1. Interesting post Missy. I’ve never heard of candualism before but it is a fascinating one. I look forward to reading further on the subject.

    For me, the joy of exhibitionism was always the risk of being caught. But over the years that has developed into….something else.

  2. Well kid, I found that open and thoughtful piece of prose both enlightening and arousing. Wouldn’t the world be an awful place if everything was acceptable and good girls had no reserve. It is good to be naughty and to relish submission. We chatted online some time back and I am grateful for you sharing the elegant and graceful pic that HL took. I will be able to picture you easily from now on as your figure is extraordinarily similar to that of my wife. (Your shower is a bit better than mine though!) “so that I let go bit by bit, is almost intoxication…” Wow. Bit by bit in the now is good but so is bit by bit with limits over time. How awful it would be to look back at the the hurdles you have crossed and the realize there are no more challenges left. Thank you.

  3. Firstly I love this image Missy, you being unaware of the photo being taken really exhibits your natural beauty. Really interesting to read your thoughts on being watched or shown off, I can certainly relate to some of the humiliation elements you wrote about.

    • Thank gem. I have found it fun to explore and I suppose it has something that I have discovered as part of this whole journey. ๐Ÿ˜Š

  4. We have only taken this so far regarding candualism, where as there is so much scope beyond the realms of playing with this in private. Adding the layer of real people into the mix certainly broadens the context and the results.

  5. You expressed some feelings in this post that I have struggled to express about myself and this has illuminated parts of my own kink. Thank you for putting it so thoughtfully. I feel like I can see myself more clearly when I look through the glass of your experience, if that makes sense.

    • Oh wow. What a compliment. Thank you so much and I am glad that it was helpful. I am hoping to post the second part on candaulism tomorrow. ๐Ÿ˜Š

      • I can’t wait. I’ve never heard this term but it definitely describes one of my needs, and something that we’ve been flirting with the past few years. I look forward to reading your post!

        • That does sound interesting. We have used it in narrative form where we incorporate it into play that way but not so much with actual people ๐Ÿ˜Š

  6. I have learned something new, as I have never heard of candaulism before. Thank you for sharing this. As for the image, I think it’s absolutely perfect and like that HL takes images ‘in the moment’. I do feel a bit like a voyeur now watching you in the shower ๐Ÿ™‚
    ~ Marie

  7. Thatโ€™s an amazing picture Missy! The fact youโ€™re standing behind the glass gives it a really nice effect and the way the picture was taken really shows the being watched. And on another note, I love how your breasts and nipples are pointing up. This picture really captures your natural beauty. I like that it was taken while you werenโ€™t watching

    • Thank you Elliott. I was really pleased that it seemed to fit the theme of the piece of writing I was doing pretty well ๐Ÿ˜Š

  8. I like that I’m always learning when I read your work. I’m definitely into candaulism, to show my partner off to others for my enjoyment. Everyday is a school day ๐Ÿ™‚. HL has done another great job capturing you with his sneaky camera.

  9. My man has always watched me – right from when we first met – I catch him at it a lot and I think he snaps images at times, but just ordinary ones when we are out – maybe not though. I don’t mind – I enjoy being naked so I actually feel more self conscious when i catch him looking when i am just going about my day, than when I am prancing around naked or stretched out with my cunt on display lol
    May xx

    • You are funny. And your man sounds a lot like HL. We went on holiday with the family one year and not a single photo was posed. They were all just snapped away when no one was looking but the kids were not impressed. They are so into posing these days they know which is their best side and the right way to stand etc. I love that you are happiest naked. That is so cool and I would aspire to be more like you ๐Ÿ˜Š

  10. A very intimate image. And I can relate to the concept of candaulism as well, as I am not an exhibitionist at all, but it does seem interesting to be shown off or even be watched for my Master’s pleasure. Sort of an erotic humiliation take on it.

    • Thank you DS. I think much of what I enjoy is shared by the sort of thing that you like too as I can see that in your writing ๐Ÿ˜Š

  11. Yes, being made โ€œan exhibitโ€ over just exposing yourself is a much better reflection of my kink as well. Thanks for introducing a better understanding of this! I make more sense to myself now. Haha!

  12. Beautiful image Missy. I know what you mean about being โ€œmadeโ€ to do things and that humiliation or embarrassment makes things interesting and exciting.

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