How do I choose a name

How do you choose a name? Reader question

How did your names for each other arise? It’s something I assumed would be organic (and I imagine should be), yet we still have yet to firmly land on names and it makes it feel less official (as silly as they may sound). How do you choose a name?


Hi Kate,

We struggled with this too and I think it can be a common problem.  As you say, it can feel so awkward and formal. I guess that is part of the point in some ways though as the formality can help either the D or s mindset by making you feel different to the way you usually might. In a marriage I found this helpful as we know each other so well and are very familiar. Adopting names for play meant that I could feel more like a sub and less like a wife, a mother, a teacher etc. 

It was also important to me that we didn’t lose ourselves to these new relationships so while we had been attracted to each other as P and E, we wanted to build on that by introducing and adding something new without losing what we had. I came up with the idea of collar time to make this even clearer in the end, but in the beginning, names were part of that transition. 

HL felt that Sir was the best fit for him so we used that from the start. Initially I was little E. We recently updated our contract and those terms will still there which was what reminded me and it seemed funny to see that now that I am so firmly missy! When we joined an online community we had to choose usernames and so we became HisLordship and Mrs W.  That was more of a username and not something that worked for me as a sub name so I asked HL to choose me something else.

I wanted something which he could use in public if needs be and so it had to be something which could be a regular name. My kinky facebook profile had been Missy Doubleyou (Mrs W) and so Missy was one of the options that he thought about and later settled upon. I became missy and so submissy seemed like the way to go when I started my blog. If I read back to my early posts I refer to HL as Sir or my Sir, whereas now I have shifted to HL as that has become more of a personality to me. This has really been through engaging with others.  

I still refer to him as Sir when we are able to, “Yes, Sir! Please, Sir?” etc but I see his Dom as being HisLordship so will refer to him as HL too. We don’t tend to use names all the time though as often we are speaking directly to one another, so it seems clear enough without and it can feel forced with. During play the protocol is different so I would be expected to use “ Yes, Sir,” rather than to just say, “Yes.”

We have explored a bit with DD/lg where he has more of a caregiver role. Daddy doesn’t really work for either of us so we don’t usually use that in a serious way. We do tend to have different names which we use when exploring different aspects of our dynamic. Some of this is role-play but for my middle side it doesn’t feel quite like that. I have different names for many of these ‘characters’ as they access a different mindset and that makes it easier for us somehow. 

I hope that this goes some way to answering your question. Ultimately I think you are right and your names and honorifics will occur organically as your dynamic cements and becomes just the way that you do things, but until then you might need to settle on something or try out a couple of things to see how they feel. Please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included in my reply or in the links. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.

missy x

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  1. A great response! I’d add from our experience that my husband is “Sir” all the time. So it’s (more or less) natural for others to hear it said, even in public or around our son, and it’s a reminder to me every time too. That’s how he decided on Sir.

    • Thank you Marie. I would like to do that but we wouldn’t get away with that here as people don’t tend to use it so it would really stick out. I can do it in a playful way which still means something but I wouldn’t feel I could do it all the time. I can see that would add to your mindsets though 🙂

      • Here it is common to hear it as a sign of respect, but not necessarily for a wife to say it to her husband. More common with generations – kids to the parents, or even for adult -kids to their even-older parents,

  2. This is a great question (and response). I know it didn’t happen all that organically for us, but time has made it seem so. We have tried on several names, but none have really stuck. For us, the names are just labels that represent dynamics and emotions. So while I don’t call him Daddy as a rule, I know when he becomes that through his actions. And occasionally he pushes me to say it during play, and it does all sorts of crazy things to my insides. Otherwise, we have no specific names. They just always felt silly and contrived to us.

    • That is interesting. I have thought about being made to say daddy in a sexual context and it did have an effect. I also worry that I might laugh if I said it myself though so it would have to be tapping into the idea of taboo really I think 🙂

  3. I chose my name! I needed something that was clearly going to work and help me in my submission! It had to be a name that could be said in public and that only had meaning to us! I really identify with it now. We tried several things for my Queen. Eventually we settled on Queen though in life I seldom call her that. Usually when speaking as a sub, I’ll use Ma’am. She didn’t like Mistress.
    She chose the name Angus—again something we can use in public but that has meaning to us!

    • I like the fact you call her your Queen. I know what you mean about wanting to be able to say it in public too. We felt the same 🙂

      • Mhm… not really. I never got used to the name Marie Louise! I like ML a lot though 😊 oh and I did get used to slave, though hearing that irl is something else too!

        • Yes I think so. I quite like when they use ‘this slave’ or ‘your slave’ too although I don’t think I could do it for long. I think of you as ML and it feels that it suits if that helps 🙂

  4. It’s so interesting to see the history of choosing your names. This made me think about ours, and where his was more or less discussed, mine was just something that carried over from a very private pet name he had for me. And no, it’s not the name I use online 😉
    ~ Marie

  5. This is an interesting post. Sir is Sir. I have tried using his name and actually, to me, Sir is his name. He calls me my real name. I can be me, no acting or pretending to be something I’m not. Just at peace in my world, His N.

  6. Great to read how your name came about, especially since I have only known you as missy/submissy. Thanks for resharing this.

    • Thanks CSP. It feels so much part of me now and is a bigger part than the vanilla me in many ways. Thank you for reading and commenting on my post. Missy x

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