I think it was probably evident from my second to last post that life was getting on top of me. The propensity to adult and deal with adult things has been high. I feel I have hardly switched off and, where D/s would be my usual release, the times seem to have scaled that back too. I followed my second last post, Relax – recovery will come, with my last post, Keeping a Submissive Journal. In the process of sorting out my whole organisational-planning-journaling-goal-meeting future, I rediscovered my stationery fetish. And came face to face again with my middle side.
I have written about my middle before, but quite frankly, she has been very lost. For those who don’t know much about what a middle is, it falls into the DD/lg type dynamic. Age play, I suppose. But where some do these things as play, a schoolgirl scene would be one example, others identify with the middle, or the little, or the baby girl as being part of them. So within those terms, I suppose a middle is an older child – think more of a teen. It is something that I missed seeing for a very long time, as really, she is just another side of me.
It took me quite a while to make the connection and identify as a middle because when DD/lg is spoken about, it tends to be with regard to a younger identity, more baby or young child, someone with a Daddy or Mummy figure. This is not me. I don’t have a Daddy. I don’t particularly like stuffed toys (stuffies readers from the US), or like colouring, or cartoons, or want to use a dummy (pacifier) or wear a nappy (diaper). All the things that I am not meant that I didn’t see what I am and what I do like for quite a long time.
Anyway, back when I did work things out I produced a bit of a list of the things I do like, and one of those is stationery. This is not to say that anyone who gets excited about stationery is a middle. It is perfectly fine to get turned on by post-its and pens and the whole thought of what the organisation of the above is going to do for you, but for me, it is part of feeling free. When I am connected with my middle self I feel freer, and more impulsive, cheekier and sillier. I am not weighed down by the serious stuff of life.
Leaving that stuff behind for a time and literally not caring is a positive. It is an escape. It means that I don’t hold back the same way. I learnt to control and manage myself from a young age and a lot of this was rooted in my need to protect myself from imagined humiliation. Actually, the humiliation was real and it was dished out from other family members whenever you did something embarrassing. I learn to internalise the model and soon my self-expression didn’t allow me to do things which could elicit ridicule. We were reserved in many senses and being self-conscious something which has stayed with me.
There is a lack of confidence. A lack of self esteem which runs behind everything. I am easy to squash and hard to build up. So when the stationery came it was a reminder and has led me to think again about who I am. I am a person who LOVES STATIONERY! I suppose it started when I was ordering. I did it over a few days. First there was the planner that I felt would help me organise my adult life (and one for HL so that it could be ‘a thing’) and then there were the file dividers, the extra pages and the hole punch because who knows when you need to make six holes in some other sheets of paper?
That was all fair enough except that I ordered based not on what I needed but what I liked, only limiting myself to items which would come the next day. Who wants to wait more than a few hours? I was so excited. I waited and kept checking the tracker to see when my parcel would arrive. Again, that was all kind of normal but once it was here I made another order, again choosing the ‘order within the next 1hr 55 for delivery tomorrow’ and got myself some pens, a pencil case and some stickers. I also got a planner for my daughter who is into this stuff so that it would seem more of a regular thing to be doing.
Anyway the fact that I felt like I did, excited and alive and giggly, coupled with the fact that I was trying to compensate by normalising it let me see that a part of me which had been able to be free, had been squashed, probably not just by COVID 19 although that will not have helped, but by life, with a capital L! And now through the acquisition of some pens, that part of me has been recognised and somewhat released again. I have felt it in past months with certain friendships but not from within myself in the same way.
Of course I am not saying that any submissive who loves stationery in a way which makes them like an excited child is a middle. That doesn’t have to be part of a D/s dynamic at all. But for me the D/s makes me feel safe enough to let that part out. It isn’t really about play, although I am much more playful in that headspace. It isn’t a sexual thing at all. It is about tapping into the younger more carefree less burdened part of me and not worrying about the more adult things. It is about letting go of the self control which would make me regulate myself by being sensible and the D/s is what often allows me to feel accepted enough to do that.
Anyway, much as I would love to explore this further, I have some little dots to colour in on the chart I downloaded to track my goals. I also need to order a new ruler and some other bits and bobs, just essentials you know. I am feeling a thrill just thinking about the colours of the paper I want to get and all the things that I absolutely definitely still need, so that I can do the very best job that I can with this new journal!