I think it was probably evident from my second to last post that life was getting on top of me. The propensity to adult and deal with adult things has been high. I feel I have hardly switched off and, where D/s would be my usual release, the times seem to have scaled that back too. I followed my second last post, Relax – recovery will come, with my last post, Keeping a Submissive Journal. In the process of sorting out my whole organisational-planning-journaling-goal-meeting future, I rediscovered my stationery fetish. And came face to face again with my middle side.
I have written about my middle before, but quite frankly, she has been very lost. For those who don’t know much about what a middle is, it falls into the DD/lg type dynamic. Age play, I suppose. But where some do these things as play, a schoolgirl scene would be one example, others identify with the middle, or the little, or the baby girl as being part of them. So within those terms, I suppose a middle is an older child – think more of a teen. It is something that I missed seeing for a very long time, as really, she is just another side of me.
It took me quite a while to make the connection and identify as a middle because when DD/lg is spoken about, it tends to be with regard to a younger identity, more baby or young child, someone with a Daddy or Mummy figure. This is not me. I don’t have a Daddy. I don’t particularly like stuffed toys (stuffies readers from the US), or like colouring, or cartoons, or want to use a dummy (pacifier) or wear a nappy (diaper). All the things that I am not meant that I didn’t see what I am and what I do like for quite a long time.
Anyway, back when I did work things out I produced a bit of a list of the things I do like, and one of those is stationery. This is not to say that anyone who gets excited about stationery is a middle. It is perfectly fine to get turned on by post-its and pens and the whole thought of what the organisation of the above is going to do for you, but for me, it is part of feeling free. When I am connected with my middle self I feel freer, and more impulsive, cheekier and sillier. I am not weighed down by the serious stuff of life.
Leaving that stuff behind for a time and literally not caring is a positive. It is an escape. It means that I don’t hold back the same way. I learnt to control and manage myself from a young age and a lot of this was rooted in my need to protect myself from imagined humiliation. Actually, the humiliation was real and it was dished out from other family members whenever you did something embarrassing. I learn to internalise the model and soon my self-expression didn’t allow me to do things which could elicit ridicule. We were reserved in many senses and being self-conscious something which has stayed with me.
There is a lack of confidence. A lack of self esteem which runs behind everything. I am easy to squash and hard to build up. So when the stationery came it was a reminder and has led me to think again about who I am. I am a person who LOVES STATIONERY! I suppose it started when I was ordering. I did it over a few days. First there was the planner that I felt would help me organise my adult life (and one for HL so that it could be ‘a thing’) and then there were the file dividers, the extra pages and the hole punch because who knows when you need to make six holes in some other sheets of paper?
That was all fair enough except that I ordered based not on what I needed but what I liked, only limiting myself to items which would come the next day. Who wants to wait more than a few hours? I was so excited. I waited and kept checking the tracker to see when my parcel would arrive. Again, that was all kind of normal but once it was here I made another order, again choosing the ‘order within the next 1hr 55 for delivery tomorrow’ and got myself some pens, a pencil case and some stickers. I also got a planner for my daughter who is into this stuff so that it would seem more of a regular thing to be doing.
Anyway the fact that I felt like I did, excited and alive and giggly, coupled with the fact that I was trying to compensate by normalising it let me see that a part of me which had been able to be free, had been squashed, probably not just by COVID 19 although that will not have helped, but by life, with a capital L! And now through the acquisition of some pens, that part of me has been recognised and somewhat released again. I have felt it in past months with certain friendships but not from within myself in the same way.
Of course I am not saying that any submissive who loves stationery in a way which makes them like an excited child is a middle. That doesn’t have to be part of a D/s dynamic at all. But for me the D/s makes me feel safe enough to let that part out. It isn’t really about play, although I am much more playful in that headspace. It isn’t a sexual thing at all. It is about tapping into the younger more carefree less burdened part of me and not worrying about the more adult things. It is about letting go of the self control which would make me regulate myself by being sensible and the D/s is what often allows me to feel accepted enough to do that.
Anyway, much as I would love to explore this further, I have some little dots to colour in on the chart I downloaded to track my goals. I also need to order a new ruler and some other bits and bobs, just essentials you know. I am feeling a thrill just thinking about the colours of the paper I want to get and all the things that I absolutely definitely still need, so that I can do the very best job that I can with this new journal!
You need to write a letter with and decorate it with your newly acquired stationery
I totally get this. As soon as I finished with my lesson planner for the year, I could hardly wait to order my new one…with all the stickers and pens to go with. I am big on that stuff.
We have boxes of C5 envelopes delivered at work, brown paper type, quite stiff, they have a smell to them, they are quite coarse to touch – I store documents in them and file them away, one every day, I never fold the top down so they do look a little tatty – there are hundreds of them in the draws! I haven’t seen them as sexy up till now, but I shall see them tomorrow, and I think I might smile just a little at first, and then, we shall see! Xx
I never thought that my love of stationery was a fetish. Thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to look from the outside)
There is something to be said about the joy of having colourful stationary and the way the order of things pleases us. My notes at school used to be all sorts of colours and had fun little bits thanks to all the stationary I had.
Oh, I’d buy up the whole stationery store! ;0)
It’s because of your excitement with this and the realization that my Passion Planner is only adding to my stress, that I decided to reinstate my other planner, which meant I had to order a refill and paper and tags and and and… and I was all giddy about it, and couldn’t wait for it to arrive. On the day it did, I was busy all evening organizing and writing and SO happy. I don’t identify as a middle but I do get as excited as a child about stationery. Pen and paper always makes me happy. And I do like coloring too, although I haven’t done it for far too long. Enjoy your planner, as I know you will, and I know I will enjoy mine 😉
~ Marie xox
I am really pleased that you have found a new way to get organised. I think ringing the small changes is proving to be just the therapy that we need! 😊
I had made a comment but it has disappeared. Instead, my pic is on Marie’s comment! Pretty weird!
That is weird. Sorry about that. I checked and it wasn’t in spam! 😬
No problem. I don’t know if Marie likes having my avatar on her comment, though she probably laughed if she noticed it.
I am sure it would be an honour for anyone to hide behind your avatar 😊
She needn’t hide behind anyone! But thank you!
I also see that all the replies I have have disappeared. We moved server the other day so I wonder if someone has been lost in between pointing the name servers to the right place. Apologies 😊
No issues. I hope the bugs are worked out soon.
I could relate to this in some aspects – ordering stationery & using it to order my thoughts/life gives me the same thrill I had as a teen – & I definitely feel the same impatience ordering as you too.
Guess who’s getting a label maker for her birthday! Fascinating post
Oooo. A label marker! I think I NEED one of those 😊
I remember being so excited about stationary at every start of the new school year. Going to the shop to buy new stationary and an agenda was one of the good things about a new school year!
It’s nice to read about your excitement for stationary, it makes me smile.
Yes and reading this comment reminds me that I need more. It has been a few weeks now! 😉