Online community

Joining an online community

Memoir – Becoming a submissive wife

Part 5

Joining an online D/s community was a huge step for us. We had been operating for the past few years on our own trying to make things stick. We had found a way in terms of our newly found commitment to making the dynamic work and we had introduced more structure and formality with this shift to a ’24/7′ style relationship. I would like to say that this counteracted all of the self-doubt but really, that would just be wishful thinking. We had done a lot of fruitless research, looking for something that would help, and then one day, HL came across an online community. He sent me the link and, in true Dominant fashion, asked me to go on and have a look, then left for work.

The site itself was for submissives and I gingerly went on for a look. I created a profile and was clicking randomly on the menu when a box popped up with a couple of people talking. This is going back in time a bit and so, although live chat was available to those who sought it out, it wasn’t part of most commercial sites you go to like it is now so was new to me. I watched for a moment and then loaded another page. The box followed me and popped up again. I looked.
“Hello MrsW!” it said.
I looked around, a stupid response I know, but it did feel like I was being watched. In for a penny and in for a pound, I thought.
“Hello :)” I replied.

And that was it really. I spoke to ‘BK’ who made me feel welcome, and that was the day I came out, albeit still only to the online world, as a submissive. It was a big deal. I hadn’t told anyone up until that point that I was submitting to my husband. In admitting that to others, I felt I had become it myself, and so in some senses that cemented my identity as a sub. As time wore on, I grew tired of the terminal intros whenever someone new came along. “I am Mrs W, married to HisLordship and live in the UK. I am in my 40s, have lots of kids and have been D/s for ……., but saying it out loud those first few times, sort of made it real.

The emphasis was on 24/7 D/s and so I always started my D/s counter from the formal commitment we made back on our honeymoon. Really we were ‘doing D/s’ in the bedroom, even if a little badly for at least 2 years prior to that, but I took a clean slate and tried to fit in as the new girl, because of course, I knew I was there to learn. It was interesting the way that being a member of that site made me feel. It cemented what we were doing, it gave me an outlet to learn and share, and it helped me to make friendships, some of which I still have today.

There were issues too though. Most of the members were from the US and so the times didn’t work well. BK was from New Zealand, I don’t think she slept, and she was battling a porn addiction so she was the exception in that she was always willing to talk, but otherwise, most of the fun was had when I was asleep. There were others who were friendly too though and, in time, I found my way to some other Europeans, and they to me. HL and I got on well (he was on the Dominant version of the site) and soon, I was promoted to ‘UK Ambassador.’ I put a flag on the front of the car that day, I’ll tell you! Anyway, this lead me to running chats at a time suited for those ‘this side of the pond’ and I actually got a lot out of it.

Despite their rather prescriptive ways, the fact that you could only regurgitate the owner’s ideas of the one true way, and their tendency to stick a TM on anything that moved, I was sharing and learning and growing as a submissive. I had support, I had peers, and although I was never part of ‘the inner circle’ (story of my life) I was happy. I have to say, it made a big difference to be able meet like minded people who could support each other with learning about the whys and wherefores of an alternative lifestyle.

Alas all good things must come to an end and, after a time, I could see that things were not right. We had, perhaps, become too involved. We wanted to help and put something back and maybe we became viewed more as a threat than a resource. I have encountered community narcissists more than once, and when you start to think for yourself in a way which doesn’t always fit in with their world view, they usually try to get rid of you in a dramatic turn of events which suggests everything is your fault, and you (the accused) find yourself guilty of hurting them (the victim) and are tried without jury and immediately excommunicated.

In reality, my crime was to start my blog which was seen as ‘soliciting’ and I was immediately stripped of my title (oh the ambassadorial flag, I miss that so) and found myself blocked, then reinstated as a basic member when I challenged it, without friends or any history or credit for the content I had contributed there. Not to worry. This was just the beginning and something else big was about to happen. I love my blog, I love my own online community, and I love being a submissive who found her own true way. So thank you for everything, today is, as they say, another day.

I decided to take part in Mrs Fever’s summer writing project which involves writing memoir. This is the fifth part to my memoir about becoming a submissive wife. The prompt this time was big, and for us this fits as taking the step to join an online community was a big step at the time in terms of its significance but it was also big in terms of the impact of the friendships we made. If you would like to know more about this project then follow the link and head over to Mrs Fever’s site.

To read the other parts to my memoir, please follow this link:
Becoming a submissive wife

For anyone who is reading who is thinking, OH MY GOODNESS, if only I could find a community where I could have the learning, the sharing and the friendship without all the backstabbing Mean Girls shit, I HAVE ONE. It is called The SafeworD/s Club and it operates live chats at UK times. We also have forums and a blog for those who prefer to the get involved that way, and we would love to see you there.

Related posts:
Baked beans, bollocks and other beefs
All that glitters …

Prompt #422 – Adventure

I have also linked this post to Wicked Wednesday this week as the prompt is adventure. Not only was joining a submissive community an adventure in itself at the time, it also led to where I am now which has been a definite adventure in so many ways. I have a blog that has grown from nothing into a place that people come to visit and we have built a community where we are able to share and learn from like minded individuals. In fact, the whole D/s journey has been the biggest adventure of my life so to link one of my memoirs about becoming a submissive wife, seemed appropriate and on topic. To see the other entries for this week, please click the button above.

Posted in Memoir - Becoming a submissive wife, Projects and tagged , , , , .


  1. I had to laugh at your response to the ‘ambassador’ title — “I put a flag on the front of the car that day!”


    I’ve never really done ‘community’ in an online format of any kind. I found one F/m forum a few years back but was so aggravated by the “don’t ever” and “only this” lists that I never got further than creating a user name. Like you, though, I do enjoy blogging. It’s my own space and the only “don’t”s are of my own making. 🙂

    • Thanks Mrs Fever. We don’t do real life groups for BDSM so online has been helpful in that way. I know you have to be careful where you go though and it’s definitely not for everyone. I think you can meet people and learn a lot from having a blog too. I know that I have ?

  2. Love this! Hate that you were stripped of your title and position, and while it hurt at the time, I’d say (looking back now and in your reflections here) was the best thing for you and HL!
    Hugs! Marie

    • Oh yes it really was. I was a bit hurt to be honest, especially about the way it was done, but things happen for a reason and I think it was time to move on. Thank you for commenting ?

  3. Ha, you actually put a flag on the front of the car that day? Haha, love it! I think we’re currently rather lucky that a lot of people in our online community are based in the uk because that matches up timezones so much better o:
    I can’t believe you committed a crime by starting a blog? Lol. Like… what? I’m so glad you did though. I love that you are here!

  4. I need to partake in the Safeclub more than I do. But living on the US West Coast puts my time zone way off. In summer, I can, though.

    And btw…wtf is it with “mean girls”? I’ve never been part of the inner circle, either. Always just on the outside. Sometimes it has hurt, other times it has been preferred. The older I get, the less I care. The circles I have found on the outside have always been better and more real, anyway.

    • I totally agree with you. I see it at school and have surprised to see it happen the same with adults. Heigh ho.

      It would be great to have you at the SWC but I know the times are crummy. We have a few US/Canadian members so I just need to persuade someone to run a chat at a suitable time again and we will be good. ?

    • Oooo I wish I had got a spanking but no. A dressing down over FaceTime was about the long and the short of it! ?

  5. I sat here giggling, picturing you driving around with that flag on your car! A pity it ended like it did, but then again, had it not, you might never have started The SafeworD/s Club, so all is well that ends well 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

    • Thanks Marie. And yes you are right. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. It is hard to see during the transitional period but even the last few month will lead the way to something I am sure ?

  6. Thank you Missy for this post. As you may remember, I was involved with the same group and experienced the same result. I had several connections with online groups from the past 20 years of our D/s and still have a sub friend I have remained in touch with from the start. I was well aware of the “community narcissists” that exist in the online world and had been burned several times, therefore my fall from grace from the aforementioned site was quite skillfully done. Having known the backstabbing experiences the owner of said submissive site is famous for, I exited on my own. It was done gracefully but skillfully and without escalating drama. I hung there far too long and was way ‘too’ involved but, due to the history of others, I secretly wanted to see how long I could last before getting the proverbial boot from the dom-masquerading-as-a-sub site owner. I hope you no longer feel any pangs of rejection from the experience and truly appreciate the good that came from it.


    • I think you were obviously more clued up and subtle than I was. I could quite believe it really. I think I take people too much in face value 😊

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