How do you deal with a partner that struggles in being the Dominant? This issue is weighing on my marriage. I discovered my submissive personality and needs about 2 years into our marriage. We’re 15 years in now. I wasn’t this way when he married me but now I can’t change. I can’t go back. His struggle in being the dominant I need affects all aspects of our marriage. I love him, but I can’t change myself from being the sub that I am. Honestly not having a Dominant force to appreciate my submission upsets me quite often. He’s been willing to try in the past but can never maintain it. The times it worked were my happiest, it was devastating every time it failed. We don’t know any other D/s couples as our, well, my lifestyle is a secret. I know he feels inadequate but I can’t act like I don’t need these things. How do I encourage Dominance?Priya
I feel that I want to ask you some questions before giving an answer as I would like some more information. You say that your husband has tried but that it seems to fail. I wonder why? If he wants to be Dominant, which part of it is he finding difficult? Is he Dominant in other areas of his life, and if so, can you draw parallels between those areas and your life together so that it becomes easier for him? It is a little hard to suggest a way forward without knowing more about when things do work and when they don’t, but I will try to offer some general thoughts which you can apply as appropriate.
Have you explained to your husband what it is that you want? (Sorry – another question!) I think it can be really hard when you have an idea, do your research around the topic and feel excited by it, but actually explaining how you see it working can be really difficult. Just to ‘be more dominant’ can be a hard thing to interpret and what dominant is can also look quite different from person to person. You may have done this already, but it can be helpful to try to find some material which gives an idea of what Dominance is to you and take that to him.
I would also suggest thinking about what you are doing currently, and what you might be able to change, in order to support his Dominance. D/s is a continual circle where one feeds the other. Being active in your submission can help to encourage Dominance in your partner. It took me a while to realise that in being submissive, I was often being quite passive. I was waiting for him to exercise his Dominance over me. While this would be the ideal, I found at the start, and still find sometimes when life is challenging, that he needs me to help to keep him on track by offering my submission.
One of the really easy ways you can do this is by asking permission for things. Often when I ask for permission for something, I know that the answer will be yes. “Can I work late as I have something to finish off?” “Can I go and help my mum to do the update on her phone?” “May I suck your cock?” While he is unlikely to say no to any of these things, they are for my benefit, my mum’s benefit and his own pleasure, the fact that I have asked puts the control in his hands. It changes the dynamic between us and makes it a power exchange.
This technique is simple and can be applied to many areas of life, depending if your D/s is a lifestyle that you are aiming to live full-time, or a play based arrangement which meets your needs in the bedroom. You can also show respect for your partner by creating rituals that you feel are important. I decided myself that I would make sure to serve him his meal first and not begin until he had started as a token of respect. Similarly, I will turn down the covers of his side of the bed at night and stop what I am doing when he comes in.
Being attentive and intuitive about his needs is a good way to encourage his response, which will then often counter your submissive action with a dominant counterpart. Doing those little things to show that you have noticed what he likes and wants, for example, showing that you have thought of him and are taking care of his needs. You could send him a sexy picture, leave a note for him to find, it doesn’t really matter as long as it is something that will mean some thing to him. It is important, however, to make sure that you don’t take over. Checking with him about the things that you want to do and leaving space for him to say no if that wasn’t what he wanted without taking offence is also important.
Deferring to HL was another change for us. Again, I knew that usually he would be thinking along the same lines as me, but checking with him about questions from the kids etc meant that his status and position in the family began to change. We are a blended family so decisions about my children are always mine but I do tend to run it past him, especially where it is something that could impact on him. I also used this to highlight him in areas where he is stronger than me, for example by saying something like, “I think x, but lets ask Dad as he knows more about this than I do.”
One thing that was really important in building his Dominance was encouraging him. You say that when it has worked it has been the happiest times, but did he know that? D/s is about being open about your feelings and not assuming that the other person knows what you are thinking. Taking the time to build in communication where you really talk about your dynamic and what is going well is so important. If he has said or done something which has made me melt because it has hit the spot it is very easy just to enjoy that feeling. Making sure that I let HL know, at an appropriate time, how the said thing made me feel really helped him to know what to do more of.
Ok, this is a hard one, but looking in the mirror. When I did this I saw that I had behaviours which sort of squashed his Dom, so I was limiting the very thing that I longed for. My use of language was one as it undermined and challenged him without me ever being aware of it. Stopping to think about why and asking myself what I could do to encourage and what else I might I be doing to discourage took me quite a long way in moving toward the relationship that I wanted. The other thing was community. Having other subs and Doms to talk to certainly helped both of us to reflect and grow. You would both be welcome at The SafeworD/s Club, or feel free to contact either of us by email if that works better.
I have linked some relevant posts at the bottom of the page in case you would find more reading helpful, but please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included either in my reply or in the links. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.
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