How do I talk about my needs?

How do I talk about my needs? Reader Question

I have recently started thinking about the Dom/sub lifestyle. I’ve always liked stuff like that but thought it was wrong or not something I should get aroused or excited about, so I ignored that side of me. Recently my husband showed me his Dom side but I’m sure he thinks it’s bad too. I can’t stop thinking about it but every time I start to talk about adding D/s to our marriage, I get lost for words. I don’t know what to do and am starting to feel lost. My husband loves me and wants to make sure I’m happy, safe and protected, but I don’t know where to go now that I have made this revelation about myself. How do I talk about my needs?


Hi Scarlett,

First of all, how cool that your husband showed his Dominant side just when that was what you had been wanting. I think that is a great start as you are obviously on the same page. Secondly I can really relate to the way you are feeling and remember both the excitement and fear in discovering that I was submissive. For me it was more of a light bulb moment but I still needed to think about how to approach HL with it. I find it hard to put things off and tend to have too many words rather than too few, but I still struggled with thinking about how and what to say.

I think it is common to want to rush in but to end up holding back because we don’t know how to go about it. One of the things about D/s is that you are meeting each other’s needs so you really do need to be open about what your own are in order to do that. It can be difficult to explain things clearly and articulate what you feel, but you say that you both really enjoyed what happened between you and you already have that shared experience to draw on which is a real positive. Often when you have been with someone a long time it is hard to suddenly change but it sounds like this is something that you have both been thinking about, even if it hasn’t been discussed as yet.

Being open and being comfortable with sharing your innermost thoughts and desires with another person can be a challenge at the beginning, but it is one of the things that leads to increased intimacy and connection between you. It also takes a while to trust that they will listen non-judgmentally, but it sounds like these are things that you already feel that you have with each other. If that is the case then it sounds like it is confidence and communication that are more of a barrier. You have said that you felt bad for wanting these things and that you think your husband felt bad too.

I wonder if you have thought about why it makes you feel bad or wrong? You are clearly excited by the thought of being Dominated and yet something holds you back. Perhaps you would be able to find some writing which challenges those thoughts and presents more of the positives? I know that in the beginning I shared articles with HL which talked about the type of relationship I wanted, and the sort of things that I wanted to try or found a turn on. Using resources written by someone else can make it easier to discuss some of these ideas in a more detached way. Talking about what another couple does can sometimes remove the pressure of asking for them yourself.

Things like, “I find the thought of this exciting.” Or “Do you think that this is something that we could try?” might be openers for a conversation. Sometimes people also find it easier to start by writing it down. If you tend to freeze when you are speaking, perhaps an email or a letter where you can plan out what you want to say and find the words that you want to use would be an easier starting point? Although you may be outside your comfort zone, thinking about the amazing kinky stuff you are going to be able to get up to might help to encourage you past your initial discomfort.

At the end of the day, we all want different things in a relationship sexually and emotionally. Accepting yourself can be difficult but it is the first step. If you have dismissed some of these ideas as being wrong in the past then it can make it more tricky to embrace them, but you are both consensual adults and what you choose to do really is none of anyone else’s business. I know that I have shared some of these same feelings and ironically now, they play into my enjoyment of erotic humiliation, so I have come to see that feeling of being weird as all part of the thrill.

When I am struggling with something I also try to think about what will happen if I don’t do it. If I feel ok with that then fine but if I don’t, then I use that to put things into perspective and push myself a little. What’s the worst that can happen and can I manage that can be a useful way for me to evaluate. I hope this is helpful but please feel free to contact me if you want to follow up on anything I have included. Good luck, have fun, and thank you for helping to make my world a little kinkier, one question at a time.

missy x

If you are reading this and have a question that you would like me to answer, then just head over to my Ask Me Anything page, type it in the box, and hit submit.

I am also aware of the wealth of experience and information available in the blogging world, so if you are reading this and have your own thoughts and advice, then please add them in the comments section.

Posted in Ask Me Anything and tagged , , , .


  1. Good advice. For myself, I tried to gather all my facts before I approached Mister K. I tried to learn as much as I could so I was able to answer questions he may have. There’s no time frame to make something happen so its okay to take it slow 🙂

    • Thank you Mrs K and that is a good piece of advice also. I found it hard to find relevant resources and wish that I had found the world of blogging sooner as there are some great blogs from those living a D/s lifestyle, yourself included.

  2. I like this feature, agony aunt missy ?. I look forward to hearing more of your help for those that need it, because I know you’ve been of great help to me.

  3. Excellent advice throughout the article. The last paragraph is an evaluation we should take when facing all difficult decisions.
    What will happen if I don’t do this? What’s the worst that can happen?
    Often we find within the answers to these questions is the direction we are looking for. Letting fear rule you is robbing you of joy. Life is too short to live a life hiding from your true self.

  4. This will take a modicum of courage. You will have to become even more vulnerable. You will have to trust each other. But the rewards are immense and worth the discomfort. Plan a quiet space and time where you won’t be interrupted. I chose to broach the topic with my wife while we were on a four hour drive. No worries about people eavesdropping. But a picnic in a park, or a walk along the waterfront might be good choices too. Best of luck.

  5. Another thing that came to mind. As you broach the topic, try and stay with “I” statements. So rather than say “Did you enjoy domming me the other day?” “How did you feel?”
    Say things like, “I really enjoyed it when you dommed me the other day!” “I found it exciting and it was a big turn on for me!” “I feel safe and sexy when you domme me!”
    Speaking in this way there are no accusations and far less pressure on your partner to say things he doesn’t mean. It is also a way of opening up and showing vulnerability.

  6. I remember clearly the day Missy dropped the D-Bomb on me. I think she probably knew that I was going to be up for it, although it took a lot of explaining as to her vision, which she had thought about it a lot! From my perspective I would say take it s l o w l y!

  7. Oh I really love this feature on your blog, and am sure some of us more experienced people will also find valuable information here. Great answer to Scarlett 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

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