asking for dominance and submission

Asking for Dominance and submission

Memoir – Becoming a submissive wife

Part 2

It is all very well knowing what you want, or at the least, thinking that you know, but once you have worked out what it is, you need to be able to ask for it or make it happen. Asking for Dominance and submission wasn’t easy, especially as, at that point, I still didn’t really know what I was asking for. I did it anyway though and probably pretty badly. I often get emails from people asking about how to ask their partner for this sort of lifestyle and I am never sure what to say. I suppose that really all you can do, is just to do it. So that is what I did.

I don’t remember if I tried to bring it up in a round about way or not. I expect that I will have started with something like, “So. You know the book I have been reading?” I know that some people really struggle to say what is on their mind but usually I am the other way round. I find it harder not to say and things just come tumbling out. Luckily, being able to talk openly about thoughts and feelings and your innermost dreams and desires is actually a big part of making the communication successful in a D/s relationship, although I didn’t know enough to know that at the time, of course. If I had then that might have made a better stab at it.

However it went, I rambled my way through what I thought I wanted to say, filling too many pauses and not stopping for air, and I suppose at some point, I must have stopped. This time I waited. I am not sure what I was waiting for exactly, what I wanted from him, but what I got was a question.
“So let me get this straight ……… you want me to tell you what to do and you are going to let me, and we will be able to have kinky sex whenever I want to?”
I sort of paused and intimated that I thought that there might be a little more to it than that but that I supposed that was the general gist.
“Yup. Count me in,” he said.

So really, I am not convinced that mine is a good example of asking for Dominance and submission, but it is a pretty close reflection of how I asked for it. And in many ways it was successful. Within a couple of hours, I found myself strung by my wrists to an oak beam on the ceiling of that Italian farmhouse secured by HL’s belt, as he whipped me with a second belt across my bum and I twirled and twisted in a state of delirium before him. It was a memorable moment and although I still had lots of research and reading to do, in one sense, I knew that we could make it work.

The research was harder and starting this blog, many years later, was partly reflected in the difficulties that I found myself in accessing reliable information about building a D/s relationship, when you are married with children and full time work commitments. What I found either intimated that I should be a work free, child free, sex slave who knelt waiting in nothing but a collar for her lord and master to return, or that I would be a part-time submissive who engaged in D/s play, often with a variety of people at play parties, dungeons and other exciting invitation-only venues. Neither were conducive to the sort of life that I was living at the time, even if I had seen myself in those roles, which I didn’t.

I turned back to fiction and took some ideas from that, but really it was so unrealistic as to not be much more use than the factual material I had found. Essentially I took the bits that I thought would work, and returned for subsequent (better thought-out) conversations to HL, and slowly we built what we have currently in a shape and a way which suited us. We were green, but we wanted to learn, and although it wasn’t for a few more years that we realised we needed the structure and formality of a lifestyle rather than a bedroom only dynamic, it began on that day, with that conversation, and we grew from there.

I decided to take part in Mrs Fever’s summer writing project which involves writing memoir. This is the second part to my memoir about becoming a submissive wife. The prompt this time was green, and so I have gone with with the idea of being new and of growth. If you would like to know more about this project then follow the link and head over to Mrs Fever’s site.

To read the other parts to my memoir, please follow this link:
Becoming a submissive wife

Posted in Memoir - Becoming a submissive wife, Throwing Caution To The Window and tagged , , , .


  1. Your how did we go from vanilla to kink story is so funny. Leading up to telling him must have bin a bit nerve wracking? and then how easy you two just kinda went for it is great. I loved reading this, and I think you’re definitely conveying that it’s not just that simple and there was still a long journey ahead

    • Thanks ML and yes it was so long. We didn’t really manage it and kept falling back into vanilla at the start. I am hoping it can fit with the prompt ?

  2. I love the way you describe your “tumbling out” and don’t-stop-for-breath communication style, and your husband’s response to your initial Ask made me grin. 🙂

      • I don’t have in-linkz set up for this of that’s what you mean; I’m just asking people to leave comments with links (I have CommentLuv) on each prompt but some people pingback on the project explanation page, which is also fine. I am gathering all the links I’m aware of and listing them at the end of the subsequent prompt — i.e., there is a link list of Prompt #1 posts on the Prompt #2 page; there will be a list of all Prompt #2 responses on the Prompt #3 page when it posts on Saturday; etc.

  3. i struggled with a lot of things sexually when i 1st met my current husband. my marriage had been a disaster (sex wise, and in other ways) a couple guys i dated after my divorce werent much better than my ex, and i wanted something different, and much more of it! the night we met, i lost count of the times i’d cum, and the next morning i was sore as hell. we continued to “experiment” throughout the years, he was up (literally) for anything i wanted to try, or asked to do. it’s been over 20 years now, and he still amazes me sometimes!!

    • It sounds like it has just been exactly the right thing for both of you. To still feel like that after 20 years and be amazed is quite something and I am glad that you found the balance that worked for you ?

  4. I can just imagine your excited rambling 😉 But yes I totally agree with what you can find online on how D/s shall work. I always wonder how those people find the actual time.

    • I wonder if maybe when you have always known what you want and what you are and need then you set your life up differently. Different choices from the start. My life was already established around family and friends and work etc so it did seem unrealistic. If I had know as an 18 year old that I wanted a D/s relationship then I think I would have been with someone who knew they wanted the same ?

      • Same here with polyamory. My life was set around career and marriage and family. But then so many people find out about their needs later in life so I am ok with it. Better than to not discover something so important about you at all right?

        Maybe it’s easier for young people today with so much information availabe to discover themselves. Or more difficult because of the all the choices.

        • I agree with all that you have noted above. It would be interesting where we would have gone with things had we had access to the internet but as you say, better let’s than never and I think we are both embracing it now ?

  5. It’s strange how much we worry what our partner will think when we are open and honest with our desires. That Italian farmhouse holiday sounds a delight ?

    • We have had many a good holiday in Italy PS, it has to be said. I think that sharing your desires and being honest is so hard. It is not what we are conditioned to do, especially when they are ‘weird’ x

  6. When I searched the Internet for D/S information too, I couldn’t figure out where anything that was really feasible and acceptable in real life was) I’m very glad I found your blog)

  7. Very interesting recollection. Thanks for sharing. Gotta ask… How did it go from “you want me to tell you what to do and you are going to let me” to “Within a couple of hours, I found myself strung by my wrists to an oak beam on the ceiling of that Italian farmhouse secured by HL’s belt, as he whipped me with a second belt across my bum and I twirled and twisted in a state of delirium before him.” ?

    This is a real question. Did you ask for that specifically (some pain/pleasure), or did he want it and you acquiesced, or is that something that both of you had already done previously? Asking in terms of how the communication built so that you both knew that that would be OK within such a short time. You tell me what to do” vs “I got hit with belt” could be a bit far away from each other so I was surprised when I read that that was the first activity you had that way.

    • Hi Larry. Can I just say thank you so much for asking this and for highlighting it. I am going to add to my post as I realise now how misleading it was and also, potentially dangerous, as I assumed that readers knew the background which was an oversight.

      We had practised some kink beforehand and had tried bondage as well as some impact and roleplay etc so we were pretty comfortable with the idea of kinky play. We had talked about each thing a lot before trying it so knew that it was something that we were both interested in already. At that point we didn’t have the formality to the discussion or really an understanding of where we were going with it but did it in the light experimental way that lots of couples do I think.

      From memory there was an acknowledgment of the fact that this time is was about him ‘doing it to me’ rather than let’s just try this. Something shifted for both of us because suddenly there was an understanding for him of why I liked it and what I liked about it and he was able to incorporate that.

      There should always be full discussion to make sure that play is safe: that would include establishing limits, boundaries and potential triggers as well as thinking about aftercare. I think because this was written as memoir it is factually correct from memory as the parts which stand out for me, but I will add some additions to the post so that it is less misleading when read in isolation, as it is not intended as any sort of factual guide.

      Again, I appreciate you taking the time to comment and question as it has been very valuable. If I can help at all, then please just ask. missy ?

  8. It sounds like you chose a brilliant setting to ask HL, Missy. It’s really so nice to read how you went about it, and I wish I was just a little like you to just ask for what I want, even if it does mean I ramble on and fill those quiet moments. I think it’s better than being like me who can’t get a word out, no matter how well-formed they are in my mind. Great post 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

    • Yes we are all different. Sometimes it hard to understand that other people don’t just do it. I think it burns a hole for me so I need to get it out. The other thing is that although I don’t always understand what I think or feel at the start, I can usually put something together so the words don’t evade me and I can work things out as I talk. Very confusing for someone who is with me but it’s a bit like my blogging – I process as I go and by the end something has been said lol. ?

  9. Hi Missy –
    I love your blog! And recently I’ve been asked “how did it start” myself…. and while I haven’t ever gotten the pleasure to “swing in delirium”, my story is similar as well. When I got the question, I decided to really read (slowly) through your memoir series and your words and story have given me a way to articulate my own story.

    Thanks and i love reading your blog! You are inspiring!

    • Hi Marie, thank you so much. I think it is interesting how many parallels there can be. I will hop ever and check out your memoir. I think Mrs Fever is pretty flexible about the order of the prompts and whether or not you use one at all so you might want to add yours in too x

      • I haven’t started it yet…. because I was struggling with how to start. So I read yours first! And maybe I ought to go to Mrs Fever’s summer prompts you have even better ways to express it!

        • I am actually quite enjoying it. I think that she actually meant each prompt as a different memoir but I had decided to do mine as a set so stuck with that. I do have blog posts about starting out and wrote before about discovering I was submissive but it has been fun to slow it down and reflect back. I will be interested to read yours ?

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