Sex and BDSM: Dominance and submission

Many people assume that sex and BDSM are linked in that BDSM (Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) is always about sex. I suppose this depends on your definition of ‘sex’. For me, all of these elements would have a sexual charge, I find them sexy too, but in terms of penetrative sex, that is not what BDSM is about. Of course, it may end up being the eventual outcome of the BDSM play sometimes, but this need not be the case.

Looking more closely, it is not even about the acts that are practiced or the toys and techniques that are used. It is more about the connection that I get with the other person by engaging in these acts with them. So really, it is not the acts themselves, but the significance of them within that relationship which is what gives them meaning and significance for me.

Play and Sex

I know that this seems a somewhat semantic debate, but I would tend to use the term ‘play’, to describe what we do together rather than sex because it feels more encompassing. Play refers to the time that we spend together where the focus in on connecting with each other is a sexual sense. Although I might have said in my earliest posts that it was about the physical connection, in actual fact, for me, the connection is as much cerebral in that my mind has to be engaged for my body to follow.

To refer to the play as sexual means that I recognise that there is a sexual charge, an intimacy, and usually arousal, without assuming that penetrative sex, or even an orgasm will be the end result. Quite often that does happen as our play is pretty sexual, HL likes to make me come for him and often he wants that for himself to, but other times it can be about exploring the connection between us through touch, through suggestion, or even through narrative.

Dominance and submission

Our play will involve elements of BDSM: there is always dominance and submission as we live in a 24/7 power exchange. While this does not mean that I am actively submitting to HL in all things at all times, it does mean that it runs along in the background and that I am always his. This affects the play that we do because he is the one in the lead. I can ask for things, but he will decide whether not that happens, and also when and how.

One of the ways that we explore our power exchange is though sexual play. My body belongs to him and can be used by him when we wants to. He owns my orgasms and can decide if I have one, or if I don’t. This is something that I have agreed to and the thought of him needing me and wanting me that way in a physical sense turns me on, so it works for us both.

Open Communication

Another aspect that makes our play more sexual is the agreement that we will be open and honest about our fantasies and desires. Our focus is on meeting the needs of the other and one of those ways would be to meet the sexual need. This means that we have a lot of discussion about the sorts of things that we like, we are interested in and we want to try. At the end of the day we are both kinky and we get off on doing the stuff we see as naughty and maybe even taboo.

It is important that all of our play is consensual, therefore we talk about our limits (using a limits list) which also generates discussion about things which we might not have talked about otherwise. This is something we do at regular points because limits change and we need to revisit. We are also influenced at times by those around us. We spend a lot of time engaging online with other people who are into BDSM, so that will influence the ideas that we have and the things we want to try. Essentially we are fairly open to new things.

Psychological Engagement

I know that for some people, the thought of bondage and being tied up turns them on. While I do like bondage, simply being tied will not do that for me anymore. It did at the beginning when it was new and exciting but unless we are trying something we haven’t done before, or something such as predicament bondage which has an added psychological element, it won’t in itself, turn me on.

Essentially, I am turned on by dominance and submission, so unless HL uses the fact that I am tied to assert his dominance over me, and/or highlight my subsequent submission to him, it will remain something I do which feels nice, but doesn’t add that layer that it might for some. In fact honour bondage, where I am told that I must not move certain parts of my body, can work just as well and often even better for me.

Types of play and BDSM

While the dominance and submission tends to run as a thread behind all that we do, most of our play would fall into the category of BDSM. There would usually be the presence of pleasure and pain, and each would be used to enhance or add an edge to the other. We like impact play, sensation play and role play. We enjoy some edge play and would also engage in play which has a maintenance or disciplinary function. Essentially, if you look at my category on Play, Scenes and Kink, it illustrates the fact that some element of BDSM features in almost all of our play.

Beyond the Bedroom

For us, it does come outside of the bedroom though, and while that builds the sort of connection that makes everything written above possible, most of what we do in our daily lives is not sexual. It plays into it as an integral part of our power exchange but asking for permission to work late, or drinking water during the day, or wearing a day collar doesn’t perform a sexual function.

Our rules and rituals are there to create a structure. They mean that we each have clearly defined roles, and they work to make us fairly harmonious and reinforce the respect and trust that we have. Meeting the needs of the other is about putting their needs before your own, having them on your mind and thinking of them in all that you do, and that stretches far beyond what is sexual.

Does is make me feel sexual towards HL? Yes it does and I don’t know why. But feeling that I am seen and known by him, him being attentive and attuned to me, often makes me feel like I am overwhelmed by the way I feel for him. That feeling manifests itself as desire for him and quite honestly, sometimes I just can’t get enough; so what starts as being non-sexual can often lead, by the end of the day, to something which is. In my world, holding a door open for me in the morning can lead to a blow job in the evening and that’s what I mean about creating a sexual charge.