sexual epiphany

How it all started – a sexual epiphany

Memoir – Becoming a submissive wife

Part 1

The winds of change really started when my mother-in-law recommended a new trilogy she had been reading as holiday literature that I might want to consider. “It has, you know, sex and things, but I sort of skipped some of that as it was quite a good story and I wanted to know what happened. It is a bit silly and they are not the best books I have read, but you might enjoy them.” And that was how I came to be in an Italian villa, with my then-boyfriend, reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and having the greatest sexual epiphany of my life. All in my forties.

We had been living together for about 6 months, in a formal relationship for about a year, and been something other for some time longer, by this point. I suppose we knew that we were kinky. Or we knew at least that he was and that he was making me own up to all of the things I had always wanted to try but had been afraid to admit to. We knew that sex was important to us, to both of us, and that while there were lots of things about the other that we loved, sexually we had never really felt anything like this with anyone else before.

I suppose that this book did what many others had done before it in terms of providing something between its words which excited me sexually. And actually, the more I thought, the more I saw that it wasn’t between the words, but rather it was the words. Yes, it was a story of a couple who were delving into some of the kinky things that we also experimented with, but it wasn’t about the sex, it was about something else. And what this book gave me that no others had before it, were the words to articulate what that was.

Dominance and submission. I had heard of them of course, but had never previously really understood. I must include a caveat here and say that this book is not, in my opinion, a good example of a Dominant submissive relationship. However, at that point it was enough for me to take all of the tiny pieces of things which I had felt but not understood, and form them into something that actually made sense. Sexually I was submissive, and suddenly, that seemed to be the crux of everything.

Now I don’t really like labels. No sooner have you found one, than you seem to be under some sort of unwritten pressure to change yourself to make it a better fit, but they do help us to make sense of the world and of our own thoughts and feelings. Having the word, or the label, was important for me. It was the turning point really. Not only could I use it to learn more, I would also be able to use it to help others to understand what it was that I thought I needed and wanted, although that came a bit later.

In that moment, and I think it really was one defining moment, I just sat and let my mind sift and sort, and process and collect, and allow all of the many pieces and particles of memory to be drawn towards this one word, submissive, as metal fragments to a magnet. Once there, they stuck and waited as I went through them one by one. And while some were made of incidents, events and reactions, others were questions, responses and feelings which had never made any sense to me before.

I went through them though, combing gently back over my past and reliving my memories with new eyes, as slowly a realisation of how and why and what seemed to settle over me, and time suspended. To the outside world nothing discernible had happened, nor I think to my then-boyfriend, chuckling at ‘A Vroom with a View: in search of Italy’s dolce vita on a ’61 Vespa’ sat next to me. But for for me, everything had just changed.

Originally written for Mrs Fever’s summer writing project (see below) I have added this post to Wicked Wednesday as the prompt this time is #Epiphany. I have had a number of epiphanies in my life but to this day, the one described above remains the most significant, in so many ways.

I decided to take part in Mrs Fever’s summer writing project which involves writing memoir. This is the first part to my memoir about becoming a submissive wife. The prompt this time was wind, and so I have gone with with the idea of the winds of change. If you would like to know more about this project then follow the link and head over to Mrs Fever’s site.

To read the other parts to my memoir, please follow this link:
Becoming a submissive wife

Posted in Memoir - Becoming a submissive wife, Throwing Caution To The Window and tagged , , , , .


  1. How interesting that it was your mother-in-law who introduced you – by introducing you to the books – to the labels that made sense to you. I wonder if she knew somehow, and meant it the way it turned out? 😉

    Thank you for playing — I look forward to reading more about your journey. 🙂

    • I know! I have often wondered if she knew something I didn’t. She never asked what I thought when we got home but she can see how we are together so who knows. Thanks for the idea and for setting it up. I look forward to reading some of the others ?

  2. I have a feeling that I am going to enjoy this series, and love that you have chosen to go with a theme for Feve’s project. Like Feve, I think it’s so interesting the recommendation to read those books came from your mother-in-law!

    Rebel xox
    PS: My post for this is already written, and I smiled when I saw you chose to go with ‘winds of change’ 😉

    • I can’t wait to read it Marie. And yes it was interesting. They have a relationship which is pretty traditional so D/s aspects in terms of a lifestyle but I wouldn’t know about anything else ?

  3. That’s pretty funny, did you go back and say to her the book had opened up a whole new world for you? Who knows, maybe she’d say me 2! Or else, perhaps she’ll just keep it under her hat!

    Story of O is my fav! 1975 version, from the original book (1954) something about the vintage style does it for me! 🙂

      • I haven’t watched the film but I might try. It was too hardcore in many ways for the things I would actually want to do but it did turn me on so there was something there. It took me a long time to realise it was the erotic humiliation as I think I was focused on the acts themselves and couldn’t understand why I felt that about something I didn’t actually want to do. Makes me think again that I need to start a book group ?

        • I should read more, I never read or saw 50 shades, & I haven’t actually read the original Story of O – the movie was good though, not so hardcore as the book from what I just read on wiki (good page of info there!)

          I just like bohemian stuff, where everyone sits around in the lap of luxury, semi naked or in lingerie! They had a TV drama about Anais Nin a few months ago, she was outrageous too, contemporary to Story of O more or less, give or take a couple of decades perhaps.

          I did read a short story based around the Story of O, which was pretty good, but I realise now it wasn’t the original story.

          I got the movie on DVD, its a box set that comes with the American remake, they’re both in English tho, and very watchable, a bit surreal, and unbelievable, but not in your face like today’s porn tends to be. I wasn’t turned on in the usual quick fix way, but in a more thoughtful sort of “Well that would never happen” to “hmm, that is unnerving” to “now I’m interested!” LOL Another thing about it, the acting was brilliant, they played it in a way to educate & thrill, very believable, yet really way out there! Definitely one to see, or else its just me! 🙂

          • The drama about Anais Nin sounds interesting. Porn doesn’t work for me either. I need something which can leave my mind to imagine ?

  4. 50 shades… who knew?? I worked with a lady who went nuts over these books when they came out. Her reaction was such that I had to read them. I kind of thought them boring, but each person has their own likes. I often wondered how this lady’s husband reacted to the books—and his wife’s excitement over them.
    The point is though, that it doesn’t matter how we get to where we get—only that we get there. Enjoy your life. But one day you do have to have a conversation with your mother-in-law. Seriously! lol

    • Yes I felt the same about them once I made my discovery. I read them all but then moved quickly onto some others quite quickly which I hoped would be more realistic. I don’t know if I could tell her. Likely she wouldn’t comment and would just accept it ?

  5. ‘it was quite a good story and I wanted to know what happened’ – missy’ Mil, should be a quote for the back of the book, you rarely find positive ones.

    • That is so funny PS. Yes she should. I still wonder that she suggested it but needless to say, after my own revelation, I did not bring it up.

  6. Well what happened with you was certainly one good thing that came out of 50 shades then – and I can imagine my ex mother in law introducing that book too – she never stopped taking about sex – in fact I am sure I would have had a far more active sex life if i had been in a relationship with her rather than her tedious son lol

  7. It’s funny that 50 shades was the book but I can totally see why. It doesn’t always matter how good the source is, sometimes all you need is something to nudge you to get it out. And in ways, 50 shades also did something good even though there’s a lot wrong with it

    • Yes you are so right ML. It was what gave me the vocabulary and that meant that I could take things forward. It’s so hard to explain If you only have a vague notion of what you are dealing with, so things did really fall into place because that book was enough to to show me that what I can always responded to was Dominance. ?

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