My friend Jae Lynne, has started a new bi-weekly music meme called Musically Ranting, which is hosted over on her blog. I really enjoy music and like taking inspiration from other forms to use as a stimuli for my writing. I have used the words from a number of songs for posts in the past so it seemed like something that would be good to take part in. The prompt for this time is ‘Go Your Own Way’ and the idea was to choose a song which you felt encapsulated something about you.
Nothing Lasts Forever
After quite a bit of thought, the song that I chose was Echo and the Bunnymen, ‘Nothing Lasts Forever’. I know this song might not seem like the typical choice for someone’s theme tune, but it does have characteristics which have followed me throughout my life.
I want it now. I want it now
Patience is not one of my virtues, and although I have had to learn to be better at it through my submission, it is not something which falls naturally into other areas of my life.
I don’t like waiting for things, especially things which may never happen. I like to know what’s what, and uncertainty or ‘the promises of what tomorrow brings,’ do not interest me half as much as what is right there underneath my nose. I think that part of this is because I don’t have dreams and ambitions which are beyond what is possible, and so it seems easy to focus on what I have and put my thought and energy into making that as good as I possibly can.
This has always been my way. I am determined and resourceful and I would rather be doing something to create something good for myself, than sitting around dreaming about it or hoping it will happen. This has been a recurring theme throughout my life and I will put myself under a great deal of pressure in order to achieve as much as I can and make the best of a situation. I am a creative thinker and am pretty good at problem solving and planning, so it feels better to do what I can with the resources I can get.
It is not the case that I don’t dream and have hopes and desires for things. Actually I want to create and manage my own dreams and am more concerned with the elements that are within my scope than the wilder flights of fancy. Even as a young child I can remember zoning out and disappearing into my head when things didn’t seem interesting or relevant to me. I do live in my dreams to an extent but they are dreams which become part of my reality.
While I am able to be polite and sociable, I actually have quite focussed interests and they sustain me. They are really all that I need as they cover everything that really matters to me, the rest is the surface decoration and paintwork. I am engaged and committed to working towards furthering these areas as much as I possibly can, as that will bring me the most pleasure and enjoyment.
I need to live in dreams today, I’m tired of the song that sorrow sings
I will work tirelessly for these projects as I become highly invested in them, but I don’t believe that anything or anyone should make you unhappy. Sometimes it is difficult to manage unhappiness due to circumstances and you have to alter your perspective a bit. However, at the end of the day, if something makes me miserable, I will not allow it to run me into the ground. If I have tried and done what I can and am not able to improve things, I will move on.
I have written before about regrets and I tend not to have many. That is not to say that I have never done anything regrettable of course, but if I am unable to repair things or fix them, I find it best just to close that page. There is little point expending continual energy into a situation where it is not making a difference. Once done, I tend not to think of it. I shift my energy and my focus onto the next thing and engage again in something that can be fruitful.
This has led to some really tough decisions and I am not pretending it is always easy, but I won’t remain in a situation which is destructive or toxic. And when you put your energy and parts of yourself into what you do, it going bad in someway tends to mean you feel the toxicity and to remain in that situation damages you, whittling away at the passion and the light that is at your core. Nothing lasts forever.
Sometimes when your personality is such that you become very emotionally invested in things it can feel like a personal hurt that you have to move on from.
I’d walk to you through rings of fire and never let you know the way I feel.
Under skin is where I hide, the love that always gets me on my knees.
I think that this is part of it also. Feeling that I invest on a level which gets me hurt. I do it because the rewards are huge when it works and I know that I wont stop trying to find those connections for that reason, but it can feel like it doesn’t have value. I think it is important that I do these things for myself; I don’t do it for recognition but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel invalidating when it happens.
I want to give as much as I can, particularly in love. I want an intensity which seems hard to find and so there was often the feeling that I wanted to give more, not because it wasn’t there to give, but because it wasn’t always wanted at the same level. I have felt like I was too much and so I would tone down what was there and be what was wanted. Clearly I have been lucky enough to find someone who wanted as much as I wanted to give, but it still feels that it is part of my make up.
So yes. I will make my own dreams to live in, I will try to avoid sorrow, I will continue to pour my heart into the things that matter and I will remove myself from negativity and not look back.