I know that today is not the 1st April, but this is an extract from the diary that I have been keeping.
I woke at 3am again. This has been happening for the past three weeks. I try not to let my mind switch on, but something pricks at it providing me with a thought about someone I haven’t contacted or something I haven’t yet done and the feeling just won’t go. I try to avoid sitting up and being productive by doing something; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I fall back to sleep but wake with a migraine; later, when my period comes early, I feel relieved that that’s all it is.
Things have been weird for us relationship-wise as there has been a lack of direction. We have both been put under pressure at work by trying to do what we would usually do when in work, despite the fact that we are now at home. We have allowed our attention to be pulled so that we are managing individually, rather than together, so this morning we had a discussion about how we could sort this. We have found, in the past, that when life forces us to adapt, if we can use our D/s to support this change then things run more smoothly, so this morning’s discussion was about how we do this. I feel better for it, to be honest, and it feels more like we are in control of our new normal.
Today has been about more than the one fresh start. I have signed up for a ‘Fitbit premium free trial’ – 90 day COVID-19 special – in the hope that it will help me to feel less blobby and more like I am a person with something to offer. I want to feel sexy and vital again and somehow, that feels a way away at the moment, so I click on the offer and make a note to cancel in June.
As usual, after lunch, we walk the dog, and already I am bored of the restrictions. It seems crazy in a rural area that we are confined to our own locale. Rather than seeing no one, we see so many familiar faces, all pushed into the same small area, and I wonder again if the powers that be have got this right. I don’t understand why a small community in Scotland requires the same lockdown measures as a city like London. I can see from the spread diagrams that they are at least two weeks ahead of us and wonder if we have locked down too soon and will eradicate, not flatten, the curve. Is our hospital at 95% capacity, just because theirs are? I try not to think about the science and focus on the wind in my hair and the way the trees move, and we hold hands and laugh at the dog.
Back at home I access my emails from my iPad and sip a gin and tonic while I read snippets, both sexy and serious, from my fellow bloggers. I can hear HL on a voice call, telling them that a perk of working from home is that his wife has just brought him a G&T; the sun is shining through the window and warming me and this all feels like a surreal alternate universe to the one ‘out there!’ April fool? I wish.
An email pings in and a member of staff is asking for help with a pupil who seems to be struggling. Her reply to the pupil humbles me and reminds me that I am seeing more humanity each and every day from people I know, than has been the case for a long time. What a strange new world this is.
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Although this is just one entry, it is part of a bigger diary project that I was asked to be part of, ‘Seven Days in April,’ in which seven of us kept a diary for one week to reflect on how the current situation was affecting us. The diaries will form part of an online book, which will be published by May More. I will add links at the bottom of the page as seven of our diary entries are published, so please check back.
I have added this entry to the Wicked Wednesday meme because the topic this week is overthinking and I think that this whole situation is meaning that lots of us are overthinking. I have busied myself with helping others which has allowed me to look outwards rather than inwards and has really helped, because it means I can keep perspective but my diary has meant that I have also been reflective and, at times, introspective.
My mood has fluctuated greatly and I don’t think I have ever thought about things so much, good and bad. I veer from feeling blessed, to angry, to humbled and back again, covering a range of emotions in between as I reflect on what is probably the most surreal situation I have ever been in. I worry for my friends, my family, my pupils and the world generally and, as I create structure and routine within my own little bubble, I try to hold on to hope.
Related posts from me
Other blogger ‘7 Days in April’ posts
Tell Me About …
Hopefully all the diary entries will also be added to Tell Me About … this time as the topic is Lockdown. Please hit the badge to find the others and also to see posts about how social distancing and lockdown is affecting D/s and relationships.