curious about Dominance and submission

Curious about Dominance and submission?

Judging by my recent google visits, I would say that there are quite a few people out there currently who are curious about Dominance and submission. There are lots of myths about what D/s is and isn’t and so I thought that it would be a good idea to bust some of those myths and write about what it is for me, which will lead me neatly to my first myth. So here goes with the most common misconceptions I have come across about what is involved in this thing that we do.

The ‘One True Way’

There seems to be an idea presented out there in fiction, on social media, and amongst some of those pertaining to be experts, that there is only one way to for a D/s relationship to be. This is not the case. As far as I am concerned the only right way is the one that works for you so I would always advise taking what you think will work and leaving the rest where you found it. It took us a while to have the confidence to do that but really, life became so much easier once we did.

To try to do what works for others can lead to a relationship which is difficult to sustain. It is important to think of why you want to do something as if it has value to you, you are more likely to stick with it and make it work. Although it is good to talk to others and you can learn a lot from them, each relationship will be as different as the people in it and there is no rule book, despite what others may try to make you believe.

Submissives are weak and Dominants are selfish

If this is the case then I have been mixing in the wrong circles, because I have yet to meet a weak submissive. Most of those I know who follow D/s as a lifestyle are strong, capable, independent people and do this from choice, because giving up control in some aspects of their relationship works well for them. It takes a lot of strength to do that and you have to have a lot of trust and belief in the person you are submitting to so, in many ways, this is one of the greatest misnomers about submission.

The myth that Dominants are selfish is also false. A good Dominant will always put their submissive first. In fact, meeting the needs of the other is central to any D/s relationship so actually, if you are doing this, then your own needs will be secondary to those of your partner. This works for both of you and is often one of the things that people really like as meeting the needs of a person you care about is very rewarding.

All the power lies with the Dom

My response to the previous myth brings me quite nicely onto this one. D/s is based on a power exchange, but this is a choice. The submissive chooses to give power to the Dominant. They can choose to take this back at any given point and most partners will agree on a safeword for this very reason. Although it may look as if one party has all of the power, the boundaries and limits are agreed beforehand through thorough communication.

Both parties will respect the agreed boundaries and limits because it is a consensual arrangement. While a power exchange dynamic may look unequal, actually both sub and Dom have agreed to the role that they take on so there is a balance to the power, even though agreed elements of it are being exchanged. D/s is based on give and take and the power exchange works in a circular motion with the actions of one eliciting a response from the other and so on.

Dominants are mind readers

If you have read much D/s fiction or watched many D/s films, then you may assume that somehow, when someone enters a D/s relationship, they develop the power of telepathy. Although this would be cool and make things an awful lot easier, it is utter codswallop and will lead to great disappointment on both sides. A good Dominant will be attentive and attuned to their submissive so hopefully they will pick up on certain signs and signals about how they are feeling, but this is not the same thing.

They will also spend time checking in and so will have a good understanding of how their sub is feeling and how they are doing. In addition to this, the communication about needs and desires that is openly expressed, the discussion of limits and boundaries, as well as what is working well and what isn’t, can lead to both partners have a pretty intimate connection and a good idea of what the other thinks, feels and wants. While this can look like mind reading, it isn’t and comes from a process of continual open and honest communication between you.

It is all about the sex

Another myth that the media would have us believe is that D/s is all about the sex. While some couples may be D/s in the bedroom only, others, like us, live it as a lifestyle so the power exchange involves more than just the physical side. Even in the bedroom, it is about exploring your desires together and, while this may often end up in sex, it won’t necessarily always be the case. For many of us there can be a sexual charge about it that excites us makes things more thrilling, but it is essentially about the connection between the two of you.

While kinky fun may be part of your relationship, the myth that it is all about S & M is also untrue. Many D/s couples I have met are into kinky play but really, it is about the power exchange in whatever form that works for you. The idea of a full-time submissive as someone who waits naked on their knees by the door for their Dom to come home is neither practical not desirable for many of us, although once in a while it might be a fantasy that we would enjoy to play out.

D/s is a fairytale

This is a difficult one because although I have never been happier, so to all intents and purposes this is my happily ever after, you get out what you put in and something this good is going to involve work on both sides. You need to be prepared for that and also be prepared to make mistakes and get over that. As with everything in life, we learn as we go, so you can expect to have a few bumps and hurdles along the way. Finding good information and friends to talk to can be a support and is something that we have really benefited from.

Having strong foundations to your relationship will really help, so making sure that communication, respect, honesty and trust are an integral part of your dynamic is important. Keeping the other person as your focus and working to meet their needs will mean that, whether you are bedroom only or living a D/s lifestyle, you have a good chance of feeling like it is a dream come true. And on that note, I am off to kiss my prince before I get my bottom spanked for being late to bed.

Hopefully I have managed to dispel some of the more common myths and left you wanting to know more. If this is the case and you are still feeling curious about Dominance and submission then you might want to check out these posts about D/s for married couples.

March topic – Curious
#143 Myth Busting

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , , .


    • Whoops. I tried really hard not to make it one gender. So sorry to have done that and thanks for pointing it out as I definitely don’t mean that. And I know you are all man! ?

        • Perhaps but I am glad that you told me. I try to heed it but it is always more noticeable to those who have been miscategorised I think. It is helpful for me for you to point it out so I do appreciate it as I would hate to alienate all the amazing male submissives out there. You are a special group. ?

          • Please don’t overthink this. It was a tease. I knew exactly what you meant. I wasn’t offended in the least. And I certainly didn’t mean to cause you angst.

          • You didn’t cause me angst and I know that you were only teasing. I know that some might take offence though so it is better for me to be aware of it and that is why appreciated you letting me know, even it if was just a tease. ❤️

          • So far, but all of our jobs are essential. I work from home, but my Queen has two jobs. In one she is now working from home almost exclusively. The other is a cashier’s job at a grocery store so she is in the public constantly. My daughter who is with us also works in a grocery store—where there have been cases of Covid19. My son works in a good distribution centre. At his work they have started taking temperatures. If it reads too high, people are sent home before entering the facility.

          • Sounds like they are taking the testing seriously at least but it’s hard with you all being key workers. Am sending my positive thoughts across the oceans to you and hoping that you all stay well ❤️

  1. So informative and helpful for those new to the lifestyle. Understanding there is no one true way is so important!
    Great post.


  2. Just trying to understand why it is considered a power exchange rather than transfer or temporary abandonment of power or whatever. Dom gets control / sub gives it up voluntarily. What does sub get back? Care? “Being controlled” (is that a positive in and of itself?) Being dominated (I know you like that so maybe that is it)? Maybe it is an exchange of what you want (having the control or being controlled as the positive itself for the sub) but I find the term “power exchange” confusing as it seems to me on the outside the power flows one way, albeit voluntarily. Not to get hung up on semantics, but I was curious. I get that there is a circle of what you do for each other, but that could is true in a vanilla relationship also. So: sub gives up decision making / final word etc. to the dom, and gets back (what) that he/she wants other than accepting that she now has less power?

    • Hi Curiosity,

      I think that power exchange is just the accepted terms which is used for that type of relationship but you could apply other terms instead. I think the word exchange is probably used because it suggests the consensual agreement and discussion which takes place as part of it.

      The circle can work the same in vanilla relationships as all relationships will be made of a balance of give and take. What happens in a power exchange is that this is agreed and therefore doesn’t lead to the power struggles which exist in some relationships because each party is clear about their role.

      For me, what I get from it is feeling listened to. HL will make the final decision but he will always do that knowing what my view is and having considered that. It means that I feel freer to focus on the growth that we both want as a couple because otherwise, I will often hold back.

      I am not sure if I have answered your question really but I am happy to try to explain further or answer in more specific terms. It is difficult to explain so perhaps I have not done it as well as I could. Thank you for asking though as it is always helpful to see how things come across to others.

      missy ?

    • Thank you. I hope so too but I feel that google can send people on random hunts sometimes. I certainly get some interesting search terms ?

  3. I think you should make this page sticky so that people who come to your site will easily find it. The questions you have answered are often those that new D’s people are looking to find out. Brilliant post Missy

  4. This is an incredibly informative post and definitely a place I will send people if they are interested in D/s, or maybe need to have some myths busted 😉

    Rebel xox

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