Being a submissive wife is not something that has come easily to me. It is something that I very much wanted, and yet, at times, it has seemed to be a somewhat elusive idea which I chase. That being said, we have been in a D/s relationship for 8 years now and for 6 of those, we have lived it more as a lifestyle than a bedroom thing. While it is the single most fantastic thing that we have done for our relationship, it has not been without its times of challenge.
There are lots of things that I think make a D/s lifestyle work well: honesty, respect, open communication and trust to name a few. What I also feel has been needed, is perseverance. We have had to persevere from the start really as things would happen to throw us off course, but as a submissive I have also had to persevere. I have had to push aside some of the ideas of what I thought I should be thinking, feeling and doing, and find a way which worked for me and for HL and the Dominance that he has.
It seems odd that something you want so much and that works so well can still require such effort, but I think that in life those things that are worthwhile do require some effort. You get out what you put in and for us, that has been true for our relationship dynamic too. The power exchange means that we sort of feed each other with our dominance and submission which creates a constant feel for give and take. The fact that we are both prioritising the needs of the other also plays into this.
Being focussed on it was easy at the start when everything was new but after a while, I needed to be able to access a submissive mindset for things to work the same as they had done. This was one of the first challenges, and we tried a number of different things in terms of rules and rituals in order to assist with this. In the end I arrived at a new way of being really. It was not like the initial frenzy, but neither was it the struggle to keep my focus as it had been before.
When we moved to a full time D/s dynamic, we tried to take the dominance and submission that we had in the bedroom and weave it through other aspects of our life together. We didn’t want to change who we were or what we had, but we wanted to find a way to retain the excitement and the magic that we had felt in the beginning. We wanted to meet each others needs and keep ourselves and our relatonships as the centre point of the other things that revolved around us. We wanted to tackle things together, as a team, so that whatever happened, good or bad, it was happening to both and not just to one of us.
Unfortunately life doesn’t always go according to plan, and we have had some periods when we have felt really tested. It can be hard to manage to keep each other and your relationship at the centre when life is pulling you emotionally in a different directions. We also found it hard when life threw a curve ball that meant a change in the way that things had to work between us but perseverance got us through; we wanted to keep things going and, although not as we would have chosen it, we have been able to operate on a sort of bread and butter D/s at times when it was not possible to do more.
I know that it takes perseverance as the numbers of couples who manage to sustain a lifestyle dynamic seems to be relatively few. In the time that we have been doing this, I have tried really hard to find others who I could chat to, share thoughts with, and learn from. A lot of the friends that I have made along the way have given up at some point, because they felt that it wasn’t sustainable. It often isn’t a conscious choice, but it just seems to slip away to the point where they realise it is no longer there. For others it can be more dramatic and marks not only the end of the D/s but the end of the relationship too.
I am not suggesting that perseverance is the only thing you need as there are lots of things which play into a relationship, whether it is based on a power exchange or not. But I do think that in life, I am not one to give up easily and when I believe in something, I want to give it every opportunity that I can to make it work. D/s has been like that and, although it has required me to push past obstacles at times, it has also been something that has felt that it was worth adapting for.
I haven’t done a sharing post for a while so thought it would be a good time to link a few of the other bloggers out there who are living and writing about a D/s lifestyle too. I have learnt a lot from others and these people have created something which is uniquely their own, so if you are looking for more resources, material and ideas, you might want to check them out.
Sweetgirl’s Journal – A submissive wife’s blog
Collared Michael – A journey into male chastity
Deviant Succubus – Sex, kink, submission and erotica
Steeled Snake – FLR/M and having fun exploring the world of BDSM, D/s and kink.
The Erotic Life of Brigit Delaney – Submissive Journal
Rebels Notes – Read about her D/s Life
HisLordshipUK – A Dominant Perspective
Furcissy – Femdom ramblings of a submissive male
You can also find a range of posts by other authors which have been linked to the various D/s topics on Tell Me About …