Privacy and its problems

Privacy is a big issue with us. I do not hide the fact that we have to keep our online activity secret from the vanilla world, which really impacts on us being cautious both ways around. But in addition we have difficulties with a different sort of privacy and that is the one that arises in our home. Not the presence of Alexa who watches over us, recording what she will, or the cookies which monitor our online activity and belch out suggestions in a constant stream, but the privacy that a loving and sexually active couple who are into BDSM would like to have from their children.

Yes, good people, there are eyes and ears everywhere in our house. Now, we are an open couple and are pretty sex positive in the discussions that we have with our kids and the sorts of things that we promote. I teach sex ed and so it is an interest of mine and also a belief that we need to improve the sort of ways that sex and pleasure are presented to young people. But that does not mean that in either environment, home or work, it would ever be appropriate for our personal antics to be the topic for talk. Sharing information and opinion is not the same as sharing personal experience, as I am sure any parent will agree.

Finding ways to reflect our power exchange in full view has not been easy and we have had to think carefully about what we do. I had thought when I first researched that a full time Lifestyle wouldn’t be possible for us as everything I read seemed to suggest that I would need to be naked, collared and kneeling most of the time. Clearly this is a fallacy and one that we, and many others like us have disproved. Rules and Rituals need not be overt and wearing a Collar need not be something more than wearing any other piece of jewellery. In our household respect is key and no one really questions the sort of ways that we show that to each other, any more than they question our expectations of them.

Sexually it has been a bit more tricky.  Many of the things that we do are not silent activities so we will attract unwanted attention if we try.  Spanking is a favourite but not something we are able to use on a regular basis. In terms of impact play, caning and electro-play are the things that have to be in place of not only the hand, but the crop, the paddle, the howler and anything else that would make a satisfying slapping sound as it lands on my arse. The other issue has been around us being quiet and the art of the silent orgasm was something we had to master early on. We try to work around this, although when we have a night alone and can make some noise, play is definitely on a different level.

Being able to play with others around is something that we have addressed through chats on the SWC as well with each other but there has always been a common theme and an air of resignation about working with what we all have. Suggestions of music to cover any noise have been made, and although we do this, the kids quickly caught on to what it signified. The fact that “sexy music to fuck to” showed up as the title of the Spotify playlist HL had last used on the family Sonos system probably didn’t help the air of mystery around us, but at least if they have an general idea, we try to protect them from the specifics.

The do know about some of the dynamic I am sure.  Privacy is also an issue when you spend a lot of your time writing, reading and talking on a laptop in a family area. This is inevitable and we would not be able to host two weekly live chats, without the screen being visible to others at points. Working on content to keep three blogs and a meme up to date means that most parts of our online life are on view to those who want to look. This is something that feels a little uncomfortable although we have accepted it and if they have looked, they have kept what they have seen to themselves. Like the sexy music to fuck to, the detail of what happens online is probably something they don’t want any more detail of.

I understand and respect this and would no more pry into one of their lives than I would expect them to pry into mine. I want them to come to me when they need or want help or advice and to see me as a source of information and support. I want them to feel accepted rather than judged so would not push for any details that they did not feel comfortable to share. I may not always agree with their choices any more than they might agree with mine, but I respect their right to choose what they want to do, and feel that I have equipped them with the tools to make sensible choices and decisions, even if they chose a different route than the one I would expect.

I think we try our best as parents to keep our private life private but it is impossible when living in close quarters with others to fully do this. There has to be some give and take on both sides and this is the balance that we hope to strike. I panic sometimes about what they might think and how that might affect my relationship with them, and I will admit that I have had some scares with regards to this. My relationship with my children is far more important to me than my online life, but I do value both and so want to find a way to be able to enjoy each one. If push came to shove I know which I would choose, but I think that they are open enough people who wouldn’t put me in a position where that was a decision that I had to make.




Masturbation Monday


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    • Thank you Cassandra. I think the kink makes us more conscious of it but I know lots of parents struggle. Being a blended family also makes it feel a bit different as you are not both mum and dad so the dynamic is slightly different too ?

  1. Luckily I haven’t had to live this lifestyle with teenagers around me. A great insight into your daily struggles to be the people you want to be and also bring them up in a sex positive household.

    • Thank you Julie. I think our days as empty nesters are now within sight so it will be interesting to see how that changes things when it happens. ?

  2. Brilliant post, and I think anyone with children will recognize a lot of this. I know I do. Where I sit in the room, people can walk behind me and see my screen, and since they all know what I am doing, I am not as quick to click to a ‘save’ screen anymore, but I will never have naked images of myself on the screen when they can see it. I have to say, your Spotify list made me giggle 😉

    Rebel xox

    • Thank you. And I know what you mean about the images. I have been caught with that when I have shut down the webpages and then I have has photos or paint running in the background so what they see is worse than the original screen lol. I try not to seem suspicious though as I don’t want to seem as if I am doing something wrong. My son did once comment that he wondered if the person who made The SafeworD/s Club website knew they had put a capital in the middle of the word where it wasn’t meant to be! ?

  3. Thank you for this post, I know I fee this way a lot and am always looking to balance my love of writing for the secrecy I need from my family. With two little ones in the house, it can be tough sometimes.

    • Yes I bet. We are lucky that ours are older as they are less interested in us as teens although more clued hope ?

  4. We also have kids in close quarters (4!), and we definitely have some of the same struggles and stories. Also had a Spotify play list simply called “sex” show up! ? And our kids have started to recognize that music and a locked door means fucking. I think we all just have to realize the realities of living in a family…there’s no such thing as complete privacy. Stuff’s just going to come out. I think you have the right approach (our as well) to be open and honest and real without crossing over into TMI. Raising whole, healthy, and reality based kids is tough!

    On another note…thanks for all the challenges y’all go through for the rest of us by hosting the SWC and writing your blog in the midst of those close quarters!!

  5. What i found really hard when I had kids in the house was to stop being a mother and change into a lover – i kinda like to be one or the other and that can be difficult – great post, and our job is to raise independent individuals – I think u have/will do that well xx

    • Thank you. And I know what you mean about changing. I guess there are lots of different roles and we have worked at the transition so it doesn’t seem so bad for me now. I could probably more active with it though. ?

  6. So well put, as usual. This is a daily consideration in our household, too. We only have the one child, but privacy is an issue, and his presence does impact our sex life a great deal. We have to do much of what you do, silent orgasms and putting of louder play for when he’s away. It’s worth it, of course. I worry about him finding out about my blog someday. He knows I’m constantly writing, and he’s seen my pen name on various things (mail and such). So the possibility is there. I had to laugh outloud about that spotify play list!! That completely sounds like something we’d do. But, I think it’s healthy for kids to know their parents still have a sex life…sans details, of course. (Oooh…and I don’t envy you teaching sex ed.)

    • I actually like teaching sex Ed and enjoy the lessons. We have a great curriculum though and I feel it’s important. It’s hard with the kids but like you say, good for them to know we have a good relationship so it is a balance ?

  7. I can relate to every single thing you’ve said. We know the kids hear more than we’d like (with our own live streams and discussions) but that doesn’t mean we’re going to give them intimate details about our power exchange. Although, like you, we definitely discuss sex in age appropriate ways with them. But I’m still on a bit of a countdown to the day when we finally have real privacy again, lol.

    • Yes so many similarities here which is not surprising. Do they ask anything about your podcasts and sites etc?

      • So far, no, but I’m fairly positive the oldest knows exactly what they’re called. We’ve asked him to leave it alone and not go looking. He gave me the most teenager look and said, “I *really* don’t want to see my mom talking about that stuff, so don’t worry.” Not sure it’ll last, but fingers-crossed he’ll keep thinking it’s kind of gross, lol.

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