I admit I have felt somewhat motivated by the posts I have seen so far about people sorting out their life with relevant goals etc. I touched loosely on the way I wanted things to go this year in 2020 – Time to Explore and then in The List – reflection of a Dom and then a sub, wrote about how things were already moving in a direction that I had not anticipated. I am often in awe of the levels of production of bloggers such as Marie and the organisation and planning of people such as Brigit. Anyway all of this has got me thinking about my priorities and so, despite feeling that things would remain vague this year, I have actually decided to apply some direction.
Well really I think it was the fact that I recognised that I was not able to be as present as I would like to be, here, there or anywhere else for that matter. Secondly, I related to the feeling of having always too much on, never quite enough time, and not always prioritising the things that matter most to me. Now this one is hard as I have lots going on in my life and pretty much all of it matters to me. But Brigit got me thinking about which things matter most I suppose, and so, after a quick chat with her, I decided to try focus areas to help me with managing, not just the number of commitments but also my feelings about them.
Because I do things which I feel have value, I can become too absorbed. I set myself high standards and can beat myself up if I don’t manage to achieve as much, or complete things as well, as I would like to. Despite doing a good job, this can support my feeling that it was not quite good enough and that I am not quite good enough, or trying hard enough. I preface statements all too often with “I have to,” or “I need to,” or “I have got to.” Really I don’t. Really nothing will happen if these things don’t get done, other than me feeling bad about myself and out of control. Which is not a good thing either of course.
Anyway, I have targeted four priority areas to be my focus. I will still do the other things, but if they don’t fit into one of these four priorities then I will try to have a more relaxed approach towards them. I will try to live with good, rather than excellent or perfect. Essentially I will be training my brain to lower my standards and be satisfied, giving me more time for my focus areas and the things that I want to be doing. For some unknown reason, although the most important things, they are the things that can be swamped and pushed to the back. It makes no sense but I see that it is what I do none-the-less.
This one is quite specific. I want to allocate time to connect with my body. I have realised recently that I am actually quite disconnected with my body in a number of ways. I want to be able to be more connected to it both on a sexual and sensual level. I am doing fine in terms of cerebral, but even my play with HL has become more about what he does with my brain than what he does with my body. For someone who is open and feels themselves to be sex positive, I actually have quite a lot of hangups about myself so I am going to see if dedicating some time to this starts to change things things. I have lots to consider and try, and I will write more about this as I go along.
Focus on us
This one seems ridiculous in a sense as I have always said that our D/s lifestyle means that we keep ourselves as a couple at the centre, letting everything else revolve around us, rather than allowing ourselves to be pushed to the periphery. Despite this being the goal, we don’t always manage and this one is about taking that focus back in a conscious and concerted way. Making time, making plans, trying new things, doing the things we should. The difficult period we had the last few years means that we stopped treating ourselves in a sense. We lived in a somewhat austere way, which left us feeling lacking. I don’t mean just financially, somehow we seemed to stop doing anything indulgent and lost a lot of our spontaneity and spark. So this one is about trying to rekindle that in a variety of ways.
This is not about shedding physical weight, although the Christmas pounds could probably do with some focus, but more about getting rid of old baggage and things which are surplus. We have held on to things in an almost frugal way and sometimes I feel that this drags me, and us, down. This connects a bit to the focus above, but is really about letting go of things which we don’t use and don’t need and hold us in the past. It is about feeling lighter and more carefree and less burdened than we have done. I am hoping that psychologically this will help to tackle some of the “have to”s and the “need to”s and the “got to”s, and allows me to embrace change more readily.
My last focus is about working at new relationships with my children who are now in, or approaching early adulthood. I have felt a dissatisfaction with some of these relationships of late, which is not uncommon I think. I suppose it is part of my changing role as a mother, and about building relationships which I enjoy and find rewarding with young people who are becoming more independent from me each day. I have good intentions here but sometimes feel that I fall short of what I want to do, and what I want to give. I have allowed myself to be held back by pressures of time and financial restrictions, but these are things which I want to overcome and find new ways of spending time which matters with the people who matter.
Although nothing groundbreaking, and actually all four are probably predictable and obvious, I think that allowing these things to be my focus will bring me more pleasure and reward, than currently where I feel that I am doing a bit of everything and am spread too thin. I hope that it will energise me in a way that I haven’t been doing for myself and that actually, I will be able to feel that I am achieving more, not just of what matters but of everything. I feel positive and settled but also motivated and encouraged and as if I am going to get a little piece of myself back, a piece which got lost somewhere over the last few years.
This weekend I have booked lunch with my daughter, a sexy hotel night away with HL. Rather than doing my usual of feeling stressed about the cleaning and washing that won’t get done, and guilty about doing something extravagant, I am going to go away and focus on what I am achieving, because at the end of the day, it will all just happen regardless of my concerns and I am making at least two deposits this weekend into two of my focus accounts. And already, I feel good!