The List – reflection of a Dom and then a sub

For those of you who follow the blog at The SafeworD/s Club, or read the posts for the Tell Me About topic of mindset, you will know already that HL had a bit of a revelation concerning his kinks the other day.  For those of you who don’t, HL had a bit of a revelation concerning his kinks the other day. We were out walking the dog when my usual probing questions delivered some fruitful results. Following his epiphany, he then came home and wrote about it. If you want to, you can read Self-Reflection – Me? here.

HL and I have been exploring kink together for 12 years. We have been exploring D/s for over 7 years and have been living a D/s lifestyle for over 5 years now. During this time we have talked openly and at length about the things that we want to try and, more latterly, about exploring some of our darker kinks and desires. I have spent more time that I would care to add up trying to encourage him to talk to me about what he really feels. As his submissive, and as his wife, these are things that I want to know and find helpful to know. How do you meet someone’s needs if you don’t have a clear idea of what they are?

My first response was simply to state that it was very helpful to learn of these things and to read his list. I have worked hard to encourage him to share through his writing how the things we explore make him feel, as this is not only interesting to read but also really important. Following my initial response, I had another one, the sentiment of which you may well already have read between these lines.  I was shocked that things which I had concluded were not really my kinks quite openly and repeatedly, extended impact play and fisting, for example, were actually the very things which made him feel most Dominant and most aroused.  Wow. Where do you go with that?

I have sat on it a while though, mulling it over. What do I do now? How do I rewind? Can I rewind? I certainly feel that I should be able to. I know that I was into trying some of these things, and found them exciting to begin with. And it isn’t that I don’t enjoy them, more that I enjoy other things more. Over the past year or so, I have become more focussed and more aware of what my own kinks are and how they work. In doing so, I hoped to explore further in those areas and sort of closed my mind to some of the other doors which were still open.

I have written off things like serious impact and pain play as requiring pleasure for me, as I feel that it pushes me away, and not towards HL and therefore is counter productive. I have concluded that it is the mental, and not the physical that really presses my buttons and that what he says is more significant to me than what he does. I have mentally explored my desire for erotic humiliation and realised that I am an emotional rather than a physical masochist. I even wrote in my recent post about direction that this allowed me to be more focussed and that I hoped 2020 would be the year to explore.

I know that if I had known that HL was a sadist, which he has now admitted he is, that I would not have allowed my thinking to progress as far down the route that it has. I don’t believe that we can deny our kinks or the things that we like or find hot and would never want either of us to have to do that. But being D/s is about meeting the needs of the other, it is about exploring together and about finding your own pleasure throughout the pleasure of the other person.

While I do think that there will always be limits to this and there may be some things that are never explored as they aren’t a match for both, there are lots which sit in that middle ground, where the edge is added due to the other person’s interest and enjoyment in doing it. What I need to do now, is to take those things which I had pushed to the sides and pull them back into the middle again. I have to go back. To sort of put aside the direction I thought I was travelling in only a week ago, in order to take a slightly different path.

I am not sure how I feel about this. Not unhappy. In fact I am really pleased that he has chosen to share and that I now have a clearer idea of what will make him feel the same excitement and thrill that I feel from some of the things that I have mentioned above. I also feel relieved that he has realised what he has about himself as that sort of self-awareness is something that can only make things better between us. I am also glad that I am not continuing down a road which pushes my own kinks to the fore at the expense of his, as that would have made me feel selfish and uncomfortable.

But I do feel confused. The irony that his post was part of the mindset prompt is not lost on me because this will require a huge mindset shift for me. I am confused about how I support that shift. I am unsure about how I move my mind back around to being excited to explore things which I had thought were not our kinks. Those conversations we shared may have been driven by my own reflections but they were things which he agreed with me about, so this does require a bit of an about turn for me as I want to make the shift and think it will be fun.

Actually, although it is scaring me a little – loss of control is something I long for but shy away from – I do feel excited about the fact that we will be exploring things again. Perhaps things had become a bit stale and this has certainly shaken them up. Perhaps there will be ways of combining the kinks that hit his buttons with the kinks which hit mine in ways that we are not yet aware of. Perhaps there is more to come and now he has started, more of what he feels will be vocalised. And maybe my feeling that things weren’t sparking it for me, was because it wasn’t clear that they were actually sparking it for him.

There is nothing more arousing than to see him getting off on his control and Dominance of me. Certainly I concluded a while ago that the kink that really did it for me was Dominance, so if exploring these things further helps to feed that mindset within him, then it has to be a good thing. And the other thing is that I have been writing for a while about the need to be pushed deeper into my submission. I had thought about ways that this could happen and this was not one, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right one.

Being a submissive is about giving up control. It is about trusting enough to explore within and right up to your limits, even pushing past the softer ones. You can’t do this if your Dom is only ever doing the things that you want and that you have said that you are happy with, even if he is doing them when and how he has decided he wants to. How is that submitting to anything more than you wanted in the first place? So I think that this may give me a chance to find out what going deeper actually means for me. It may allow him to do what I have been asking for a while and own his own brand of Dominance and take the submission that I have said I want to give.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , , .


  1. I’m really excited for you. I hope that the knowledge that HL is getting off on it will help you stay connected to him in a way that perhaps you didn’t before and will therefore allow you to get more out of it in turn ❤

    Sweetgirl x

  2. Your two separate kinks totally cross over! ?? Look into scene play where the impact pain is not without context, but part of a while role play scene that taps until your mental kinks. There’s some people who are into pain for pains sake, and some who are into it only for the scene’s sake. They get totally aroused when the impact means they are being kidnapped for example, but not otherwise.
    Could be fun to explore all the new ways you guys cross over! ???

    • Sometimes I take for granted that He understands His desires. I spend a lot of time dissecting mine and don’t realize that He is in a similar state of growth. And we don’t always grow together. Sometimes that causes conflict, but as with you, communication leads us to discover new possibilities. And that is always exciting, even if it is a little scary.

    • Thanks Minnie. We will be exploring. We do play with pain and really enjoy things like spanking, electro play etc but I think he wants to go further with it so we will see what happens. We do like roleplay so that could be an area where we use it ?

  3. Thank you for sharing your ah-ha moment Missy. I think that when the D/s dynamic is new those moments are expected but when time has elapsed and we get more comfortable those moments can take the wind out of us. You handled it beautifully and I’m glad HL has opened up more and expressed his needs. Best of luck and lots of fun in your exploration. ❤️

    • Thank you. And I think you are right. Perhaps time has made me a bit complacent. A good thing to be back on my toes! ?

  4. I think it’s great that HL has had a self realisation and certainly gives opportunity for new play. I agree that a Dom pushing you right up to your limits would give a greater feel of loss of control. Very exciting!

  5. Your last paragraph sums it up perfectly. Within trust, and outside of hard limits, this kind of submission may be truly was being a submissive is all about. Looks like a new season is coming for you both and I can’t wait to see how it goes for you. (As we also, I imagine like most couples, will love a kink for one of us that the other is less enthused about, but willing to explore. It’s always good to hear others dealing with the same struggles and compromises.)

    • Thank you QH. It definitely feels like a bit of a new season and Randy feels exciting as well as a bit scary. I think I have become too comfortable in some ways and, while that is good, it is also nice to squirm a bit ?

  6. When B discovered he had a sadist inside, it was actually a way I began to submit on a truly more authentic level. Prior, there were many things I did because they were required of me but looking back, I think I still felt as I owned part of them. When I submitted to him marking me for his pleasure only something in me grew. And in some ways the pain was different too. Of course it hurts but with a different mindset it seems like I fight it less. Of course I react because that is part of his kink, but my mind isn’t frantic over the pain but rather settled knowing I am serving him in a way he needs. From that comes a deeper level of submission for me.

    Good luck with your future discoveries, whatever they may be.


    • Thank you willie rubble – that makes a lot of sense and I am hoping that is what happens for me. I don’t think I will know until I try and I can see that I need a cha he in mindset in order for it to work ?

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