submissive mindset

Submissive mindset and other thinking parts

So what is a submissive mindset?

Generally there is quite a bit of reference on D/s sites to mindset. To me, having a submissive mindset is about the way that I think. It is a state that I am in which is determined by what is going on around about me. If our D/s is strong and we are working hard at the rules and rituals that we have in place to support it, then I can consciously behave in a submissive way towards HL. I sit in that frame of mind where it is what I want to do. It might not be my first thought, but it is close. Not instinctive, but behavioural, based on the way that my cognition is at that particular time.

Submissive mindset versus submissive space

Mindset is something that I can influence myself. It is a choice in some ways. A submissive mindset will involve me responding to requests in a way which is respectful. It will mean that I put HL’s needs and interests before my own, and that I am generally happy that he takes the lead and am trusting that I am safe in his hands. For me, submissive mindset differs from the thing that I would describe as my submissive space. This is a headspace where I think and feel submissively but on a subconscious level. It is a place where I have given up control and am accepting in a way that means more than just being in the right mindset.

Essentially, I have chosen to be HL’s submissive. I have asked that he act as my Dominant and have agreed to live in a lifestyle which reflects that. That means that I have undertaken a responsibility to be in a mindset where I might think and behave in a submissive way towards him, otherwise what is the point? Although I am handing over control to him, it is a conscious decision and a conscious choice. I do it under the terms that we have agreed together, and this agreement is an ongoing process. I still have control over my decision, even though it is to allow him to take control in certain areas.

More about submissive space

However, in some ways I am naturally submissive. Sexually would be one area. If he does something to trigger this within me then I find myself in a submissive headspace. I think and feel submissive towards him and this is not a conscious thing. When this happens my behaviour follows suit but it is not something I am aware of. It is not a choice – it is a response. It is something that happens and it happens outwith my control or my say so. It is beyond me, and it happens because whatever he has said or done has started a reaction which goes past who I am on the surface, to the person that I am within.

The relationship between mindset and space

While being in the right mindset might make it more likely for me to achieve a submissive headspace, it is not a requirement. The two can stand together, or stand each as separate states, but of the two it is the submissive space that I chase, for that is where I find my real freedom. But being in the right mindset helps in that it supports the relationship and the dynamic that we have. My submissive responses feed his Dominance and his Dominance is what triggers my submissive space so, really one feeds the other.

We did find when we were bedroom only that things didn’t work for us as well. This was because I was not in the right mindset. My behaviour wasn’t submissive and that didn’t create the right environment. I suppose, in some ways, it pulled him out of his Dominance and made it less likely for him to behave in a way which would allow me to really give up control. We find that if we are doing enough to maintain the right mindset for both of us things work much more smoothly, so it is worth the thought and effort into what may seem pedantic and pointless to some, as these things sort of underpin the foundations of what we have going on.

The strive for greater submission

For me submission is about really giving up control, and I am not talking about doing so on the surface through agreeing that HL makes the decisions and choices for me. When I talk about giving up control I mean but fully letting go and giving up all of the ideas about who and what I am, and just letting myself drift in the situation he creates for me and where he chooses who and what I am. The first type helps to encourage a submissive mindset, but the second is where my submissive headspace lies, so in that way the two can look similar, but in reality they are worlds apart.

To see who else is writing about mindset, please click on the badge above. Tell Me About… is almost one year old so, if you haven’t done so already, please check it out and even add your link so that you can be part of the resource that we are trying to create.
Other related posts about mindset and submissive space:

Pleasure and subspace
Maintaining my Mindset
Inside my head


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  1. I like how you differentiated a submissive mindset and a submissive headspace and you explained it so clearly! I agree with what you’re writing and I relate to a lot of it. Pleasure to read!

    • Yay. Thank you so much. I am always pleased when someone connects with what I am saying as it can feel hard to explain ?

  2. I’ve always preferred being passive in the bedroom. I’ve slowly begun to realize over the past 7 years with my husband that I really enjoy it when he is dominant in the bedroom. I’m unsure about adding d/s outside of the bedroom in our relationship, for many reasons. But I am learning so much from your blog. Thank you for sharing what it’s like to be a woman in a marriage that has decided to become submissive.

    • Thank you so much for commenting. For me it was easier to have those little reminders and keep it in my mind all the time but I know there are plenty of other people who are bedroom only and that works well for them. Happy to chat any time if you have any questions ?

  3. I can totally relate to the difference between mindset and headspace. Mindset is conscious for me, I make the decision to be submissive with my Master. Headspace is like following the flow of my submissive needs, letting go and just instinctively, without hesitation, obey and be submissive.

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