This year has been a strange one. There has been some change, but in the same sense, not much has actually changed. I have done a lot of reflecting and thinking about where I want to go with the various areas of my life, so it feels odd somehow, to have concluded that I will continue with the status quo. And yet within that, things have changed, perhaps my attitude or my approach, I feel it but can’t quite put my finger on it. This is frustrating me of course. I want to know where I am going and how I am going to get there. Part of me is left wanting to explore more.
I wrote about Landmarks a while back when it was a F4TF topic and explored in that piece the fact that I didn’t really work towards landmarks or goals. Although this seemed a little worrying, I concluded that actually it was to do with feeling fulfilled with what I do right now. Then when the bucket list topic came along a while later, I started to wonder if actually everything was ok. I read with interest the lists that others made, but still didn’t feel I could create one of my own. Basically, I don’t have a list of things that I really want to do.
I have also written before about plateaus and the fact that my submission seems to work in a way which leads to them at points, so perhaps that also applies to other areas of my life. I wrestled with myself over a period of months with regard to whether or not to change direction on a professional level. I wondered whether channelling my energies into the other side of my life was where I should be going and explored that in A Risky Business. By the time I wrote Being Overlooked I had realised that, actually, I was doing what I wanted to do, and concluded that the duality of my life was a positive in managing to continue as I am.
So where is all of this vague reflection and introspection taking me? Well, back to my introduction really: I am happy with where I am both on a personal and professional level. I enjoy my job and find it rewarding, I love my family and am proud of their growing independence and achievements, and I feel lucky to be part of an online community which reflects and accepts my interests. But the niggle is there. There is no gap in my life, there is no hole to be filled, but I am a person who thrives on wanting more. I realise my writing is often circular in coming back to D/s, but I am going to come back to it once again.
My motivation for living a D/s lifestyle has always been that it allows me to have an intensity to my relationship that I was never able to achieve before. I want that intensity in other areas of my life too, and being comfortable doesn’t really give me that. I crave the highest highs, wanting to feel more than I have before, of everything, not just the pleasure. I want to experience things which are new and exciting and discover and learn more about me and all of those around me. I feel as if the past year has been pushing me towards new things, and although I am not yet clear what those things are, I feel on the edge of realisation.
I wonder, looking back, if part of seeming to stand still was to do with taking stock. I wonder if it was necessary to focus and concentrate my thoughts so that I could see things more clearly. I wonder if the choices and options put in my path, which I then didn’t take, were actually just part of getting closer to knowing what I really wanted to explore. As usual, it is the hidden, and not the seen which draws me in. It is the unknown and not the known which holds the appeal. It is realising that my bucket list only needs to say one thing: explore.
Looking back at my blog I realise that this year my writing has often held a common theme. I have explored erotic humiliation both in my fiction and in my non-fiction. I have analysed and explained with reflections and conclusions, and have then illustrated to test out the effect. I have learnt much more about what I want and why. I understand more about what makes me work and, while I am sort of disappointed that some of the simpler pleasures seem to have lost their intensity, I am much clearer in knowing how it can be found for me.
I have tried to extend my content this past year too, and although I wondered if that led to a sort of diluted and less focussed approach, I think I am clearer about what I want to do moving forward. I think that my blog is different to many as I set out with one clear aim: to share information and reflection about my life as a married submissive. Most of the visitors, by far, find me via a google search using that, or another related term. They come and they read, and some will send me an email asking for help, but many never interact.
I am proud of what I have achieved here and that, to some extent, my writing has become the resource that I set out to create. I haven’t wanted to lose that by diluting the content and creating a place where the information that people have come to find, is buried and can’t be found. But I have also become part of something else. There are members from the sex blogging community of which I am now part, who also visit my blog, usually via the WordPress reader or via the memes I have taken part in. They do comment and they do interact.
Even better, they usually come back over an extended period of time and many have actually become friends. While some are living a D/s lifestyle, many are not and so they like variety of content. If all I ever churn out is a re-hash of the sorts of posts I wrote in the beginning, there is a good chance that they will not find what they are looking for. To some extent this has been my dilemma, but I have spent time thinking about it and working on it, and hope that as long as I keep my site well organised, it can meet both sets of my needs.
I will never have a blog which focusses mainly on fiction as that is not my interest. I enjoy writing and reading about real life. I want to learn about other people and their motivations, experiences and thoughts. I want to dip into their lives in the way that I open up my own and to find people who I connect with and relate with. I think that the focus, both here and on The SafeworD/s Club and Tell Me About will always be aimed at those things but that doesn’t mean that I can’t experiment, explore and grow within that. Which brings me back to my bucket list goal again: Explore.
While it excites me to embrace the unknown, flailing around without a real plan of where I am going, is not something that makes me feel good. I am a submissive, after all, and as such enjoy the giving over of control to someone who is going to push me past myself to experience new things. There is a difference to me in handing over control and giving it up altogether: one can lead to amazing new experiences for me and the other can lead to disaster and impact my mental wellbeing. I don’t like to drift and I think that 2019 has been about finding my focus.
That said, I look forward to 2020 with a clearer idea of which areas I would like to explore more. There are opportunities for things on a sexual level that have been sitting there quietly in the background, and I think that some of these may be things that we turn our attention to this coming year. I also feel committed to continuing to explore through writing and participation in the various online communities that I am part of. While I don’t have a bucket list which provides clarity in terms of what to work through, the vague ideas are forming and I hope to respond readily to opportunities as they present themselves.
With that said, I would like to thank everyone who has supported me here over the past year, and many who have done that for a number of years now. You mean a lot to me and have certainly helped to make this space one that I value and want to be in. It is the one place where I feel I can be myself, speak freely, and be accepted without pretence, and I think that is something that really can’t be underestimated. I would like to wish you all a very happy and healthy new year. I hope that 2020 is a good one for us all and leave you with one word: Explore.