Reset or reality

I am struggling to write about resets. I realise that we have not reset for a long time and that leads me to consider why. It would be good if I could say that it was because things were going so well with our D/s dynamic that it was not required, but this would be a lie. In fact, I would challenge anyone in a lifestyle dynamic who declared that things were ‘on’ all of the time. For me, a reset is about headspace and about me being in a submissive headspace. In the past when I have written about using them, it has been because something has happened to throw us off a bit, often life getting in the way.

A reset is a turning point

Usually our resets involve a spanking during which time dialogue is used to bring a close to what has happened, reaffirm our commitment to each other, and in doing so draw a line under current behaviours so that we can start again afresh.  This does not mean literally starting afresh, it means getting back into the D and s mindsets and leaving the more vanilla responses behind. It marks the turning point. We tend to use an over the knee spanking as this is something which makes me feel vulnerable and submissive and it also makes HL feel Dominant and in control, so it works well for both of us.

If you are reading to find out about what a reset is and how it works for us, then this would be it in a nutshell. So if you are in a lifestyle dynamic and have found yourself feeling like you are just not doing it anymore, although really you haven’t stopped doing it or wanting to do it, then, following a discussion about why which might leave you feeling very un-D/s, a reset could be just the thing you need. It is hard to just pack up the behaviour of the past while and move from what may feel like a discussion of your various failures into the confidence and trust that you need to continue with your dynamic. That is why I would advocate finding something that you know will help you both to jump back in.

But what about us?

Yes, back to me and to us and to the no reset behaviour. We have been through a period of things being challenging, life things more than us things but life things affect us of course. Things should be better now, but in a lot of ways they are not. We have got used to the less, the bread and butter D/s, the no frill and thrills D/s. We have got used to being as we are, and this being what we do. There is less of a lot of things: less sex, less kink, less intimacy, less intensity. I am not saying that is a bad thing, it is just the reality. I suppose that we are content. Content is not a word I would usually use to describe a D/s dynamic however, and I suppose that is the issue.

While we still both want the higher highs, we are lazily managing with what we have. We have tried using resets but actually things went back to normal because this is our current normal. And you can’t use a reset to reset to a temporary state unless you want the shift to be temporary. I come back really to my old friend ‘balance’. I believe that a relationship has to have balance in order to work and the balance for us has shifted. We are still Dom and sub but he is less dominant and I am equally less submissive. There is still balance in how we are together but we are less than we were.

I won’t say that I don’t want to be more again, and that would be my goal but I won’t force it. I don’t feel the need to do that and to try to shift the balance myself. I am happy with how things are. While ideally I would like to be dominated more and to be more submissive, it isn’t a need for me. It will happen when it happens, which leads me to the resets. I don’t need to reset, for the moment at least. The time will come I am sure, and when it does I will write the post that I wanted to write today about my amazing reset and what it has kicked us both back into being.

Related posts:
A re-set spank
Spanking Uncovered
Rules, Resets and Roleplay

Author’s note: while it may sound like I am not doing well or am requiring answers and solutions, this is not the case. We are what we are and are good with that. Our relationship is, and always has been a fluid thing which moves and breathes and grows and shrinks with us and with our life. That is not necessarily how it is for others but it is how it is for us. I see Dominance and submission as being on a spectrum and we move up and down and back and forth along its line. Sometimes we are static for a while, sometimes we make a huge shift, and sometimes we sort of bob back and forth or slide along in a way which is barely discernible. To me this is normal and it does not concern me. 



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  1. Great post! ♥ Life has been insanely stressful for us over the last few months. Our basic dynamic is in tact, but to a much lesser degree than under normal circumstances. I’d like more because it helps manage the stress in some aspects, but for now…. we’re maintaining as best we can and will do a reset when life feels more manageable overall. Thank you for sharing your experience with lifestyle D/s and that’s not always a set dynamic. Normalizes real life D/s for the rest of us. 🙂

  2. Life is what it is and there are just some factors you need to accept. I guess if you always dream of your dynamic being ‘more’ than what it is then it’ll only end in disappointment. I think this is what people need to hear missy.

    • Thanks PS. I think what I am trying to say is that I know it will be more again at some point but this is where we are now. It is organic and it meets the needs and the resources that we have at the time. ?

  3. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I can definitely relate to what you are saying, after you have been D/s for a while it becomes the normal and while it isn’t as intense as it was in the beginning it is just as satisfying.

  4. Like you, we are good, and even though my post might have implied the opposite, that is not the case. We have just found a new normal that works for us, like you have too 🙂

    Rebel xox

  5. I missed ‘the party’ as I discovered this post in my am, which is clearly not your am over seas. LOL. But I did decide to write on it anyway.

    I can see a lot of what you have written in our lives as well, both past and current. But this portion stood out the most to me, “Content is not a word I would usually use to describe a D/s dynamic however, and I suppose that is the issue.”

    Interesting read

  6. Thanks for your open and honest sharing, Missy … you demonstrate that a reset is only needed if you both feel it’s needed … not ‘just because’ you aren’t in an idealized state. We are finding ‘contentment’ these days as well … and I think that is far better than the high swings and countering lows, we experienced earlier in the game … nj … xx

  7. I think we all reset at times. As you indicate, our relationships are fluid and dynamic. Change is the operative word. Sometimes life intrudes and impacts our interactions. With my Queen having had an hysterectomy a month ago, I became more “in charge” than normal. But we’ll reset sometime soon. And I’m still caged and responding to her requests. It’s just I’ve had to revert to a me that hasn’t been here for a while.

  8. We’ve been through a very physically and emotionally tiring season. Sadly D/s has take a hit due to falling into survival mode. (Which is hard since a thieving D/s dynamic helps me get through those challenges.)

    So…we definitely are in a place of needing a very real and very definitive reset.

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