Showing Stigma the Finger

Showing Stigma the Finger

I have been fortunate not to have suffered a lot of stigma in my life, but when I saw an email from Hot Octopuss yesterday explaining their #ShowStigmaTheFinger campaign, I felt it was such a good cause that I wanted to take part. Anything that raises the profile of a sex positive attitude and challenges stigmas and stereotypes around sex is worthwhile in my book, so I decided just to go for it. When I got to thinking, I realised that I have experienced stigma around sex and still do due to my kinks, my lifestyle and my age.

Being kinky has caused me to feel shame in the past. I am not proud of that and wish that, as a younger person I had been able to follow my desires, instead of burying them away for fear of judgement. Being able to do the things that you enjoy sexually, without fear of shame, is so important and this is something that I feel very strongly about promoting. It took me a long time and a lot of wasted years to find someone who encouraged me to explore some of those hidden parts of myself but it has been liberating to be able to do that.

Realising that a key part of what I enjoyed sexually was to do with Dominance and submission, and finding the words to be able to explain what that was and how it might work, was actually pretty much of a revelation. It has turned my world on its head in a sense and my decision to become a lifestyle submissive, although unfathomable to some, is something that has been so beneficial to me and to our relationship. Being a submissive has caused stigma for me within some groups and I frequently have to listen to comments which put people like me down in a variety of ways.

Old people having sex? Ewwww. This is a stigma that so many of us have to endure and the thought of us seems to turn the stomachs of the younger generations. I am proud to be the age I am. Yes my body wears the signs but I am astounded at what it has been able to do for me over the years. Bodies are the coolest things and, despite my issues around body image, I have tried to embrace my own with a positive attitude.  And, looks aside, it feels fantastic. Sexually I have never enjoyed things more than I do right now, so despite my advancing years, I am a huge advocate of exploring sexual pleasure.

Now it is not in my character to give anything or anyone the finger really, as it is not the sort of thing that I would do. I might argue and challenge, but gestures like this one have never been part of my vocabulary. However, I do think that in a number of ways, it fits me in this sense. I am passionate about removing many of the stigmas around sex and sexual pleasure and so am prepared to tap into a different part of myself here. I think as people we have many sides and sometimes it is good to experiment a bit with another.

So, out of character it is, but here I am: giving the finger to stigma and blowing a kiss to all the kinky older submissives out there who are just quietly trying to get on and enjoy a good thing.


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Posted in Feeling Good, Style, Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , , .


  1. As one of those ‘older submissives’ I take your kiss and send another back your way … and point my middle finger in the air (which will look much better when my new DiGit arrives :>)) … nj … xx

  2. As a male submissive, I understand stigma! I Guess we’ll just have to be confident enough in ourselves and preferences to not care about the stigma.

    • Yes I think so. And in the privacy of our own homes and this inclusive community it feels safe and acceptable. ?

  3. People have some real hang ups about age. They always seem to think that people are too old or too young to be enjoying a particular thing. There’s no right age for kink – or for anything else. Glad you have found something that makes you happy and brings you pleasure, despite any traces of stigma.

  4. Hear, hear Missy – I saw the email and have been thinking about writing something – is it an ongoing thing that we can join in with? Perhaps I should read it more carefully lol xx

    • I was unclear. I wondered after if I was a day too late but I have always found Hot Octopuss to be open and inclusive in ethos so I imagine that they would be delighted for any publicity that is generated. ?

  5. Pingback: i believe in it but #ShowStigmaTheFinger | sindeejson

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