I have written about discovering that I was submissive before and, little pitch coming up, even had a piece called ‘Submission and Me‘ published in ‘Discovery; An Eroticon Anthology’. I have wondered about why it took me until I was in my 40s to work it all out and why submission was a the road not taken for a very long time. It is not because I changed in some way. Being with HL did not make me sexually submissive, and neither was it my age and experience that meant the lifestyle brought out the best of me in a relationship. It was more a discovery that what I had always felt, what I had always wanted, had a name. It was more of a light-bulb moment than a revelation, but it did change the path that I was travelling on. So D/s is not the road not taken in my case, but it is the road not taken for a very long time.
I have thought about that a lot. I have toyed with the ifs and the maybes. I still think the course of my life could have run very differently, had I made the connection back in my 2os, before I married and settled down. Had I known more about myself and how to make sense of the way I felt, I think that my decisions and choices would have been different in a number of ways. I know that there are plenty of people much older than me who were able to identify those tendencies in themselves, so I can’t blame the lack of internet or the locality of where I grew up, although this doubtless played a part. I suppose the circles in which I moved contributed too, in that I never really met anyone who knew more about sex than I did.
Well that is not strictly true. There was one person who I had a relationship with post-university, let us call him Damon. Damon was a Dom, although I am not sure to this day whether he knew that or not. It wasn’t a term that he ever used around me, and there was no discussion of D/s or the formality of the structure that we have now. But the behaviour was there, with or without the terminology. And in thinking about the road not taken one day, I did almost message him a while back on social media to ask him if he knew that I was a submissive. Luckily that is something I would check first of all with HL and in thinking about that, I realised my rashness, and my moment of madness passed.
What I do know was that if I was the heroine in one of the erotic novels that I devoured post-discovery, Damon would have been the one to introduce me to the lifestyle. But I am not the heroine in a piece of erotic fiction and so that moment of illumination never came to me via the relationship with him, and it was a long time after that it finally dawned on me what the weird compulsive chemistry between us actually was. He was not my type you see and I had never really been with a guy like him. I thought he was just a bad boy and that was why he brought the wildness out in me.
He was bad of course and he really didn’t care. He did what he wanted and he wanted to have fun. He made me feel special though and he looked after me in a way which none of the other boys ever did. He was much more worldly-wise than me or anyone else I knew, excepting my parents. He was nothing like my parents though and, to be honest, they really didn’t like him. There was something paternal about the way he looked out for me and I don’t mean that in a creepy way, I mean it in more of a protective way. He was a calculated risk taker and so despite him pushing my boundaries, he made me feel safe.
I don’t think that I realised that the sex was pushing boundaries. He was a more experienced older man and I thought it was just part of that. Now I look back, I can see that this was not the case and that it was about far more then that. There was the suggestion, the instruction, the new things, and with it from me, there came a letting go, an openness, and a desire to explore. I had always liked sex but this felt different. It was rough and hard and we did things that other people didn’t do. The nice girls, I mean. We went to a sex shop to get some toys and we explored some of the things that I had only wondered about before.
Looking back I can see a lot of the early beginnings of the things that turn me on, right there in that relationship. The erotic humiliation, the pleasure and pain, the control. He was particular about what I wore and liked to display me in some senses. We were adventurous together and luxuriated in the risks that we took. Despite all of the many things that were different about us, there was a lot that we seemed to understand without the need to explain it. There was an openness that I had not been able to have with others, whether family, friends or partners. I felt that he saw me, the real me, the one that I was only just getting to know.
Other relationships had left me feeling that I was pushing for too much, but this felt much more like we were going at a pace and in a direction that was what we both wanted. And it was really fast. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had my first experience of subspace with Damon. I became so lost in the feelings that I was experiencing that I let go of space and time and everything, and was content just to drift in another place altogether. There was something addictive about it, something that made me want more. But despite the things that were right about the relationship, there were others that were wrong and felt slightly dangerous, and for those reasons, he was not a path that I took.
I actually did come to a fork in the road and had a decision to make. I chose another road and, although that did not turn out to be right for me either, it did lead me to where I am today so I have no regrets on that score. What I always wonder is what would have happened if I had found the words that I needed back then. What would have happened if it had not taken me another 20 years to work out what it was that I had found and what it was that I was looking for in a relationship. Where would I have gone if I had travelled down the road of submissive back then and would that have altered where I eventually ended up?