First of all I would like to start by making a distinction that for me, being a submissive or the submissive is not the same as being submissive. A submissive (noun) is the name for someone who adopts a submissive role within a power exchange dynamic, in my case this is a lifestyle choice which means that I am submissive to my husband on a full time basis. I am a lifestyle submissive. This differs from someone who is submissive (adjective) where the term is used to describe their personality traits or nature. Now there will be overlap between the two I am sure, but I would not describe myself as a submissive person, although I have chosen to be the submissive within my relationship.
But isn’t this just splitting hairs?
I can see why some might think that but I would disagree. While I can have submissive tendencies in certain situations, these reactions are usually elicited as a response to certain Dominant behaviours. The conditions for these are complex and are rarely replicated in day to day situations, unless this is done in an intentional way. In most areas of my life I would be seen as strong, would make decisions, and would take the lead where required. I am also independent, organised and protective. These are not typically submissive character traits, however, they are character traits that I observe in a lot of the submissives that I know.
So how does that work? Well being a submissive and choosing to submit to someone means that you put your usual behaviours aside. For whatever reasons, mine would be the fact it benefits my relationship, my husband likes it and it makes me feel sexy, you put these behaviours aside within a particular context and with a particular person. Essentially you agree to be submissive within a clearly defined structure and a set of agreed boundaries. How this works for each couple and each relationship will vary depending on them and their needs but basically it requires both if you thinking and responding in a different way to how you might outside of the dynamic.
Power exchange or D/s relationships are really no different to any other in that they centre around trust, respect, honesty and open communication. In addition there is the love that you share and the desire to be together. What the structure and roles do require is that these elements are demonstrated all the time. If this doesn’t happen, then the relationship will continue to bobble along but the D/s part, the power exchange, will likely start to slip. What happens at this point is that things feel a bit less intimate, a bit less intense and a bit less connected. We would term this as slipping back into vanilla.
We know and we show
Most people in a happy relationship would say that they know these elements are there. The difference with D/s can be that our behaviour and actions is constantly showing that these things are present. They are tested and demonstrated every day in some form or another and, for me, this has led to things feeling easier and safer. Submission has given me a freedom. It has allowed me to let go of many of the things that hold me back and make me hesitate. Believing that HL has my best needs and interests at heart has meant that I no longer have to compromise or juggle between my own needs and those of other people. I can be focussed on making him happy, knowing that he is doing the same for me.
The demonstration of these elements will come out through our rules and rituals, through our structured talk times and also through the play side of our relationship. While these things may seem patronising or unnecessary, we find that having the tight structure really works for us. When you lead busy lives with pulls and demands on your time that you may not always be able to control, being able to connect on this level and in this way regularly means that we can keep us as a couple at the centre of our own world. Allowing each other to see our vulnerability, and connecting with each other around that, means that we are able to be much stronger as individuals in the outside world.
Finding the right balance
While I have chosen to give up control of many elements of our lives, in reality, HL has never been more attentive to what I think and feel and need. He listens carefully to me and is highly attuned whether this is to do with the sexual, emotional or spiritual aspects of our lives. His decision is final but it is always made following careful discussion where he seeks my view. I follow the rules he has set but these have been agreed following negotiation and are there in order to make things better or easier for me. He delegates management of the areas which are my strengths (the home, the finances, the family etc) to me and is appreciative of what I do to support him.
I would say it is a relationship where he gives me everything and I give him everything back in return. All needs (within reason) will be met. He can ask for a blow job whenever he wants knowing that I will oblige, but more frequently I will ask to suck his cock because I genuinely want to do it. It is a relationship, like any other, of two halves but in D/s each half is more clearly defined and agreed. I am the submissive in our relationship and I choose to submit to HL because it is a good thing for me. I used to feel that I was always too much for someone, and that they were never enough for me. This current relationship feels balanced and right and I have the intimacy and intensity that I had always craved but never thought I would find.
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