This is the one place in the world where I am faceless. Everywhere else I have a face and that says different things about me to different people. I don’t think my face is consistently translated either; it depends on the perception and experience of that particular person. One day I could be one thing, based on the imagination and judgement of my viewer, and the next I can be another. It depends how I behave, what I wear and the role that I play, amongst other things. And a lot of the translation of these will be based on the categories that I am immediately placed into because of the above criteria. 7 seconds, and it is all set! 7 seconds is the length of time it takes to make a first impression.

As a teacher I am used to being mis-imagined in the mind all the time. I am no stranger to it now and have grown to expect my pupils to be shocked at the human details of my life. “What! You have kids?”  “Oh my God I saw you in Tesco!” “You can play the piano? Weird!” I am seen as being a professional and not a person. I become my job. I become nothing more than the subject I teach, and a person who does that all day, every day, not having a home or a private life to return to when work is over. I have come to accept this and will even play along now with tales of how I have a whiteboard in my lounge so that I can practise my handwriting etc. And really, it is all well and good that they don’t see any further than they do! Better a whiteboard than a St Andrew’s Cross.

Being put into a box doesn’t only affect my professional life. It happens in my private life too. I am judged based on how I look and the way that I conduct myself. People are continually shocked that I do some of the things that I do and struggle to resolve the things that I enjoy with the picture they have of me in their mind’s eye. My face clearly says one thing, while inside I can be screaming another. But why ask and try to find out? Better just to stick what makes you feel comfortable in your own little world and define me by your own terms, as that feels safe. If I can be something that makes your eyes stretch wide, then clearly others could to. What a threatening concept that would be.

Sometimes the judgements and assumptions grate against me and sometimes I grate against them. I think if someone really sees you, sees your face completely, and has an understanding of the various faces you wear, that can be a highly illuminating thing. I remember when I was first with HL. He made a film of a holiday we had been on. The soundtrack was Alanis Morrisette, “I’m a bitch I’m a lover,” It certainly grated with me and I challenged him, more on the bitch part than on anything else. But I realise that he was right and that he didn’t mean it in a negative way. He had seen me, my many faces:  the bitch, the lover, the child, the mother, the sinner, the saint. And do you know what? He was still there. That was why I felt seen and accepted by him.

I think we all wear a variety of faces and we are judged according to the terms and conditions where each is seen. People will decide who and what we are and what we will be like. We can bristle against this or work hard to change it, but it remains, and that is why I like being faceless. I have never had a face here and those of you who have seen it and know what it is like have only seen it after you have got to know me a little and already made up your mind. Does that mean I am taken on face value? Accepted for who and what I am? Or does it mean that my currency is different within this forum? I certainly feel that it is, and as if I have been judged by different criteria than in my other life.

So whatever face value means, I don’t think we can ever really feel that we know who and what people are.  We all have different sides and even the most transparent person still has to be known. And to be known intimately like that is hard. I am not sure you can ever really feel that you know the true make up of another person, even though you can know and appreciate their value to you. We all have hidden parts and various masks that we adorn in order to do what we need or want to do. As they always say, it is what is not seen that becomes the most intriguing thing about a person. It is what is left to the imagining.

Being faceless has been good for me and it is not something I want to give up any time soon. Whilst I am happy enough to reveal my face to those of you who I trust, I see no real need. Nor am I motivated to see the faces of you. I don’t need that. I have been able to feel the closest to my authentic self here as I don’t feel the sharp hand of judgement the same as I do in my other world. I feel that I am more easily accepted for being who I am and that who I am becomes a positive without the various categories which people feel the need to use all of the time. Similarity and difference seems to have different criteria here and for some reason the similar box grows without a face and the different box becomes much smaller.



Please go an visit the other posts about Judging things on Face Value by clicking the F4TF button above


Related posts:
Two Faced
Fear of acceptance
Being Overlooked

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. After reading this insightful post on Face Value, a couple of thoughts come to mind, Missy … first, I often say no two people have the same relationship with anyone else as they do with one another … each person brings their unique face(s) and voice to the table and that combination of two is a one and only. Second, I have to come to appreciate the uniqueness of the online relationship. Although some may consider the ultimate goal of making online friends is to see/meet those friends in person, I think there is something to be said for having to listen closely and pay attention to the written and perhaps spoken word in order to get a sense who the other is and further develop an understanding and friendship. Meeting in person … being able to see a face and capture those social cues that face to face brings, would certainly intensify a relationship but I think it also has the potential to inhibit how one truly sees and hears another – the physical presence becoming a distraction. However, having said that, sometimes the lack of social clues that come with face to face, can also bring about misunderstandings … nj … xx

    • That’s a really interesting point. I definitely feel that I can get closer and have more open and authentic relationships with those I meet online ?

  2. Very true NJ… I used to love getting letters in the post, I think sometimes we undervalue the written communication.

    As you say, there are loads of excellent points here.

    Fabulous stuff Missy

  3. This is such a fab post missy. For me those folks I interact with in my blogging world feel in many ways more tangible to me than the people I know and see in real world life. I think the connection made through shared interests often means seeing people in a very real way and for m that has very little do with seeing the physical face and a lot more to do with seeing someone’s hopes, dreams, fantasies, fears and so much more when it comes to blogging x

    • I completely agree and wonder if that has something to do with our openness and the vulnerability and reciprocal empathy which is shown ?

  4. This made me think that we never see even a glimpse of your face in this world. I kinda forgot that cause I know you – and that’s fine we all show what we want – u see a little bit of mine now and then. HL made me laugh with “bitch/lover” thing – u wanted angel didn’t u lol xx

    • I did want the angel. I got that too but the bitch hurt until I accepted he was right. I would like to show my face. Maybe one day. I love it when I see other people’s on here as it is quite rare ?

  5. I have seen your face, and it’s beautiful, but I do understand what you mean here, that your pupils see you differently than your family, and they again won’t ever see you as Submissy. I think we all have different faces for different situations, but important is to have the same face at the core.

    Rebel xox

    • Very interesting and insightful post. I am really enjoying getting to know people in a completely different way being online. Things we share on blogs are in depth and certainly not anything anyone in my everyday life would ever know about. I don’t particularly hide anything, it’s just never shared.

    • I completely agree Marie. I think this whole process blogging here has brought me closer to understanding who that person really is ?

  6. I love this post. We are so different in the way we approach life but yet, internally, we have many similarities. I will add one more: I feel like I have multiple personalities. I have the writer person within me and then there’s the other one, the ‘regular person’. But, as with many people, the writer person is split into various sub-groups and the regular person is split into a million different parts: wife, mother, chauffeur, child, sister, friend, not to mention the professional side.

    Very thought provoking post. Thank you for sharing.

  7. I hate being judged by what is essentially an “ignorant” person, even if they are only ignorant about their perception of me. But I have to admit, I also love when someone judges me and then are shocked when they see the real me.

    I obviously don’t know your true physical face, but I believe your writings are sincere and transparent, which gives me a really good idea of your true face. It seems to me to be an honest and beautiful picture of who you are. ?

  8. Missy, this made me think how the face I show online is actually the most accurate face one could see because it is really me. The face I show others in the world always has to keep a big part of me hidden.

    • I feel so much like that. It is strange as although this is meant to be the anonymous me, it feels more authentic. 🙂

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