When it’s complicated

Complicated is a word that I have used to describe the changes that we have dealt with over the past while. I try not to speak in negative terms because that feels unfair when we are so lucky and we have so much. What was difficult was dealing with the complications that life threw at us, and the way that one event sort of unravelled to take over and affect the way that everything else was. I think in normal circumstance I would have been through a myriad of emotions with regard to this. Instead, what happened was that we dealt with the change and the complications and we focussed on the good and not the bad. We focussed on what we had and not on what we had lost and, in essence, this unpicked things and simplified them, at least to a certain extent.

Three years ago HL lost his job, and that is what complicated things for us. It complicated things financially of course, but it was also much more than that. It complicated the way we had set our life up and it complicated the way that our dynamic worked. It affected the day to day running of things as well as elements which were more fundamental. It didn’t have to do that of course, but somehow it did. The situation was complicated further by the fact that I understood why HL felt like he did and I empathised with him about what he had lost and how he felt about it, but I saw a way forward and was frustrated that he wasn’t taking it in the way I would have liked.  I saw him slipping away slowly, from me, from himself, from the person he was, and that has been difficult to manage.

It has made things difficult within our dynamic in a number of ways and we haven’t been able to grow at the same speed that we would have liked. At times it has felt that we weren’t moving forwards and at others it has felt that we have taken big steps back. I have questioned, not just whether we are doing this D/s thing anymore, but whether it is possible for us and whether I even want to. Now these are fleeting thoughts but they are there, and like everything else, they have complicated the way that we work together. They have made it tricky and they have made things feel like they don’t quite fit.

Ironically, although the dynamic has taken a hit, it is also the thing that has saved us. Where I have noticed the changes and felt our connection ebb a bit, it is the D/s and our commitment to keep going with it that has kept us talking. It has meant that we have been more understanding of one another and that we have shared our feelings, even when that was not an easy thing to do. It has meant that the world sees us as thankful for what we have, and when people see that, they treat you in a way which means that you question less. You look back less, and you look forward together more. You focus on the things that you have, the simple things, the continuing depth of the love you have for one another.

So in some senses it is change that is complicated, because underneath, things don’t have to be. The complication sits on the surface and as long as you don’t let it penetrate you deeply enough that it affects the foundations of your relationship, I reckon you can keep things simple and keep them about what matters to you. Things can be complicated, situations and events and the way that we feel about them can be complicated, but as people, we don’t have to let that complicate us. We can try to take our time, to focus on the small things and try to break it all down and unpick it piece by piece; we can try not to feel overwhelmed.

So much of how things have been for us has felt difficult and complicated. That has felt overwhelming but because if that, it has been easier to try to push it away. I have tried not to get bogged down in thinking about the whys or the hows or the whens of the things which I have no immediate control over, and to concentrate on the straightforward and simple things which I can be sure of. It has led to some unusual changes. Less looking out and more looking in, kind of like a focus on the colour and the texture and the shapes of a picture and enjoying them for what they are, without rushing to see the whole canvas. It has felt like a new, and slightly unwelcome approach for me.

It felt like we slowed right down; sometimes to the point we didn’t seem to be moving, but it felt safe and manageable.  And now, as things are changing again, I can feel myself start to change and can feel things returning which I had not even realised I had put aside. I feel things starting to gather pace and speed again, and pick back up. It feels as though less of our resources and emotional energy need to go on trying to survive and trying to get through, which leaves more to focus on other things again. I feel little parts of me starting to wake up again and look around me with fresh eyes, almost like I am ready to see and feel a bit more.

I suppose what I think I am saying is that as things became too complicated for me to be able to unpick, I sort of simplified them by thinking less and feeling less. I stopped trying to change the things which I felt I couldn’t and focussed on the things that felt within my grasp.  I suppose I adapted to fit my circumstances and I cut back where it was needed. Now that the pressure is off a little, I feel that I can step back up a bit. I can let go a little bit more and be a little bit more adventurous again. I guess a lot of it is to do with risk. I felt that risk was forced upon us in a way that we didn’t want and that pushed me to want to play safe in other ways. Now that is slowly changing, I feel more inclined to take those risks again.


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  1. Wow…thanks for sharing with such transparency. That would definitely be a tough season to go through and I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions and the effect on both marriage and D/s. It’s crazy how D/s can be struggling, occasionally in doubt…and still be what keeps intimacy going…all at the same time! We’ve experienced that dynamic as well. I’m really glad to hear things seem to be on the move for the better!! (And hopefully that means a great job for HL and future Caribbean vacation for y’all!)

    • Thank you. And definitely put us down for the Caribbean holiday. You have made me want that for a while! ?

  2. This reminded me of the saying “When life gives you lemons..” Well I don’t know about you and HL but life has never given me these lemons and it’s time life pays up, I’ve got a lemon cake to make! Lol
    In all seriousness though, I’m happy for you both that D/s has held you together. It’s amazing what the dynamic can do for our emotions and communication. Keep pushing forward you all will get there. ❤️

    • Thank you. I think that these things feel hard at the time and you can resent them but it’s always good to have perspective as there are lots of worse things which could happen ?

  3. Very thought-provoking…I’ll have to read this a few more times because, without deep specifics, it rather applies to my own life in so many ways and you’ve said some things that feel very much like good advice.

    I can imagine that a loss of a job, esp for a Dominant, could be an earth-shaking event. It would definitely make them falter and could easily mess up a dynamic. But I also see how a well-established D/S relationship could keep everything afloat when the world around is sinking.

    I’m glad you’re at a point where you can see past it. Your self reflection on how you have probably protected yourself through this process is very thoughtful and gave me some of my own thinking points.

    • Thank you so much Brigit and I am glad it was helpful. I know what you mean about taking the specifics out and I often feel that when I read others’ posts as it can be easy to apply their experience to my own even when it’s not exactly the same circumstance. ?

  4. That last paragraph really made me think about our situation, and made me wonder if that is not what I am doing at the moment: concentrating on the good and simplifying things so I can get through to the other side? I’m cutting back so I can cope, and later when things get better, I will step up again. Very interesting post that left me looking at how things are over here.

    Rebel xox

    • Thank you Rebel. I think that it’s a way of protecting ourselves and what is important to us so it does apply to me in other situations too ?

  5. Yeah, I really got this. Complicated is…well, complicated! Glad you’re finding your way through.

  6. Job loss is hard for everyone – but when your job is an integral part of your identity, it hits even harder. It must have been devastating for you both. I am sure your D/s suffered a bit as your focus would be elsewhere but how great is it that it was the foundation that carried you during tough times. Happy to hear the world is looking a little brighter these days … nj … xx

  7. Adapting to fit the circumstances – well done – and for know when u are ready to risk again. Life throws stuff, sometimes we have to dodge it – at others simply ignore it – and at times it hits us right in the face. I think at those times you need to think less, as u say.
    Onwards and upwards Missy 😉 x

  8. Ahhhhh sometimes it would be so nice if complicated could just fuck right off don’t you think? I could totally go for some simplified and easy to be honest. Hugs to you lovely


  9. Really thoughtful and thought-provoking post. Loss of a job is hard in so many ways, not just the practicalities of the lost paycheck, and you and HL have dealt with it well. Now that there’s a bit of breathing space, onwards and upwards ??

    • Thank you. It’s really good for me to write the personal stuff as it helps me to process and use it in a positive way ?

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