For me, deep submission brings pleasure at its ultimate. It is a letting go of myself and the freedom that comes from that. My need for control means that actually I don’t seem to get properly lost in pleasure unless I have given control of myself up completely. I need to feel the sense of abandon which comes from giving in and allowing myself to exist in a space where I respond entirely to someone else. That is not to say that I don’t find lesser things enjoyable, or get any pleasure from them, but the deep and consuming sense of ultimate pleasure where I am able to float on my ecstasy and just enjoy feeling what I do, is something else all together.
The space where it feels like ultimate pleasure for me is subspace. I have often felt confused about subspace and for a while thought that I didn’t feel it at all. What I came to see is that we are all different, and for me it felt different than the way others described, and also from what I had read about it. I expected a feeling of flying, that I would soar over mountains and feel as if I were part of another world. I waited but this never came. We experimented with the endorphins which would be produced as my body’s response to pain, but that didn’t really take us there. For me, pain does not elicit the letting go which comes from pleasure, and pain alone or pain that intense ceases to be pleasurable for me.
Realising this made it easier of course. We were able to stop chasing something that would never come and focus on the things that made us happy and brought us the greatest pleasure. Finding subspace through extreme and prolonged periods of physical pleasure was the result of our first real scene. It was a forced orgasm scene orgasm scene and it allowed HL to push my body in a way that brought about the letting go of my mind. For the first time ever, I lost control completely. I stopped thinking and just responded to the sensations I felt, without consciously processing them.
I went beyond the part where I make sense of things, to a place where I no longer cared and was too consumed for rational thought. I lost control of my body and its responses in a way I had not done before. It became truly his, and so did I. The sense of self is obviously an intellectual thing and so it wasn’t until after when I thought about what had happened, I realised that this was a big part. I lost myself to him, becoming almost part of him. That is how subspace is for me; a leaving behind of myself to become an entity which exists purely in the state of pleasure that he has created and controls.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.
I don’t fly but I do drift. I don’t soar over mountains but I do lose sense of space and time. I don’t feel that I leave this world and enter a different one but I do feel that I leave behind everything that roots and grounds me in my life, and exist in world which is only about him and what he is doing. The only thing that matters is that moment in space and time. I suppose to compare it to seeing the world in a grain of sand would be appropriate because it is a bit like everything slows down and becomes magnified. The real world is gone and it is only about us. We are all that matters and being driven by the pleasure I feel from what we he is doing, allows me to be free from anything and everything but him and being his.
As we learn to shift our intent from controlling and not being controlled, to becoming loving to ourselves and others, the heart opens and joy is the result. Deep and abiding happiness and joy are the natural result of operating from the spiritual values of caring, compassion and kindness.
Margaret Paul, PhD.
This sort of subspace is not to be confused with finding a submissive headspace, which can also lead to a letting go and a sense that I exist only for HL. The submissive space comes about, not from a physical stimulus, but from more of a mental one. It is about pleasing him, meeting his needs, and the pleasure that ultimately I will get from doing that and being his in that sense. It also comes from the feeling of ownership or possession that he has of me in an emotional sense, which arises from the vulnerability and need that I have for him. It comes from the feeling of being known intimately by another person.
While this space can be accessed separately, it is often the result of the connection that comes from a scene, so it can be related. The key or trigger for me, is often linked to erotic humiliation which can arouse me but also push me into a place where I have to let go of myself. This comes about because of the cognitive dissonance that it causes which forces the letting go. While it feels quite different to the subspace derived from physical pleasure, the submissive headspace accessed by the intellectual connection is no less powerful than the physical one. To be able to have both leads to a deep and strong emotional bond.