I have not written anything, or posted here, for a week and four days. That is pretty much unheard of in the history of my blog and it feels odd. It feels a little like I have ignored a friend, but while that thought and the accompanying feeling has been in the back of my mind, it has not been my focus. And I think that has been the problem. While I have had a lack of focus on this part of my life, I have been fully focussed elsewhere and that has created some unsettling feelings for me which I think will be best explored in another post. What I have discovered, however, is that in order to write about things, I need to be focussed on those things.
My mind needs space to churn over and work. It has three main settings: send, receive and process. My mind is never at rest. It is always in one of these modes. I used to think that this was how everyone worked but HL has corrected me on that. He has four main settings: send, receive, process and rest. The other difference is that he is often on send and often on receive. He spends much less time processing through what has been taken in. His thinking, it seems, is a conscious choice. I don’t work like that. My mind wanders all of the time through what has been taken in, and that is where most of the material for my writing comes from. It is also where I create my vision and do my forward planning.
More and more I think I don’t have a rest function. I don’t have a quiet time. I suppose when I sleep I am unaware of what my brain is turning over, and much of that remains in my sub-conscience, but the only time when I am really not thinking is when I am lost in my submissive mental state. I have described things before as falling back in line, like a pack of cards, as soon as that is over. And the same thing will happen in the mornings when I wake. Unless I have been woken by a thought, which happens quite a bit, there can be a brief moment when I feel that there is nothing on my mind and then it all floods back, the cogs of the machine kicking back into action.
What happened the past week or so began with the decision to do something different in my work life, which resulted in me having to focus my attention there. Because I was not focussed on writing, or talking about D/s, the ideas didn’t come. I wasn’t really reading, excepting the odd thing. My thoughts became dominated by the direction my mind was focussed in. I thought initially that I had a block and had no ideas, but came to see that I had plenty ideas, they just were not D/s or sex blogging related. I have no doubt that they would be interesting to somebody somewhere, but they certainly would not be the correct content for here.
And such is my life with its two diverging paths. While I divide my focus between the two, I can entertain each to a certain degree, but when I focus on one at the expense of the other, the result is output in only one direction. What to do is a different question. I guess I am at a three-pronged fork in the road and I have to decide whether I am to continue down the path I am on, or veer either to the left or to the right. Do I continue to split my focus between the both, or channel my energies into one? This is a hard question for me and although I am torn, I know that to really grow in either direction, I will have to give that area my focus.