I have not written anything, or posted here, for a week and four days. That is pretty much unheard of in the history of my blog and it feels odd. It feels a little like I have ignored a friend, but while that thought and the accompanying feeling has been in the back of my mind, it has not been my focus. And I think that has been the problem. While I have had a lack of focus on this part of my life, I have been fully focussed elsewhere and that has created some unsettling feelings for me which I think will be best explored in another post. What I have discovered, however, is that in order to write about things, I need to be focussed on those things.
My mind needs space to churn over and work. It has three main settings: send, receive and process. My mind is never at rest. It is always in one of these modes. I used to think that this was how everyone worked but HL has corrected me on that. He has four main settings: send, receive, process and rest. The other difference is that he is often on send and often on receive. He spends much less time processing through what has been taken in. His thinking, it seems, is a conscious choice. I don’t work like that. My mind wanders all of the time through what has been taken in, and that is where most of the material for my writing comes from. It is also where I create my vision and do my forward planning.
More and more I think I don’t have a rest function. I don’t have a quiet time. I suppose when I sleep I am unaware of what my brain is turning over, and much of that remains in my sub-conscience, but the only time when I am really not thinking is when I am lost in my submissive mental state. I have described things before as falling back in line, like a pack of cards, as soon as that is over. And the same thing will happen in the mornings when I wake. Unless I have been woken by a thought, which happens quite a bit, there can be a brief moment when I feel that there is nothing on my mind and then it all floods back, the cogs of the machine kicking back into action.
What happened the past week or so began with the decision to do something different in my work life, which resulted in me having to focus my attention there. Because I was not focussed on writing, or talking about D/s, the ideas didn’t come. I wasn’t really reading, excepting the odd thing. My thoughts became dominated by the direction my mind was focussed in. I thought initially that I had a block and had no ideas, but came to see that I had plenty ideas, they just were not D/s or sex blogging related. I have no doubt that they would be interesting to somebody somewhere, but they certainly would not be the correct content for here.
And such is my life with its two diverging paths. While I divide my focus between the two, I can entertain each to a certain degree, but when I focus on one at the expense of the other, the result is output in only one direction. What to do is a different question. I guess I am at a three-pronged fork in the road and I have to decide whether I am to continue down the path I am on, or veer either to the left or to the right. Do I continue to split my focus between the both, or channel my energies into one? This is a hard question for me and although I am torn, I know that to really grow in either direction, I will have to give that area my focus.
If you’re moving in two directions, you need to think about both and put some energy into each direction. Unless you can stop and only move in one direction—in this case all your energies should go where you are going. Sounds as if you must make a decision. Best of luck moving forward.
Indeed. I think that is the part two. Thanks for commenting and for seeing it clearly. ?
I totally get the two paths thing. My job (similar to yours) takes a lot of creative energy, often leaving me with nothing to give elsewhere. It is fulfilling and purposeful, but I do it at the expense of other things: relationships at home and my writing. The relationships should come first, but work and writing vie for my attention constantly. My brain can only handle being fully in one of those places at a time, because they are so different and require such different mindsets. I hinge on the D/s, back and forth like a teeter totter, to work and to writing. So I totally get where you are at.
Thank you for understanding. It doesn’t help that I have to be secret about what I am doing so it also hinders any real progress if that makes sense. It is important to me not to let the relationship part flag but many do the writing full time and I often feel like I have two jobs and and can’t progress in either if that makes sense. ?
I get the brain churn and overthinking, Missy … especially when confronted with a problem or a decision, which is what you have in front of you. I agree that is one of the benefits of D/s … the structure of it along with your Dominant are able to wrestle that overthinking to the ground and make it stop … unfortunately, that is not a sustainable state and back to overthinking we go. Wishing you all the best with your decision … nj … xx
I don’t mind the overthinking so much now. I just saw the effects of letting it go in a different direction. True re the release from subspace though. Perhaps I need that break to get some clarity ?
For me, I learned when I had my breakdown following my dads sudden and premature death, that I wanted my primary focus to always be on home endeavours. Work will eventually be gone, but the things I do for myself, for fun and/or for/with those I love are the things that matter to me.
Good luck making your decision ❤️
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you sweet ?
I’m glad you’re back! I was wondering if you were ok. ?
I totally understand what you are saying. I too struggle to rest mentally. I’m a visionary and there is always something to think about, process or strategize. But resting helps us be more effective the rest of the time. At least that’s what I’m coming to believe and working toward.
Aww thank you for thinking of me ? And I do know what you mean. It can be hard with everything flashing around but I also like it as that is where my thinking comes from ?