When your fantasies don’t align

Fantasy is defined as being the faculty or activity of imagining impossible or improbable things. It seems unlikely then that the fact that your fantasies don’t align would matter. And I suppose that is how I have always felt before. What is purely imagining of the impossible or improbable is just something that we use to escape to another world, or to add an edge to things which are a little mundane. I had never really thought much about my own sexual fantasies prior to D/s and in all honesty, that was probably part of the issue I had in finding what worked. But there I was, in a relationship where all things were open, where every part of me, body and mind, was available to view.

It took me a long time to be able to even articulate my fantasies, beyond the one where I wanted to be Dominated that is. Even that was difficult to explain and express and that has probably not made things easy for HL. The fantasies which surround erotic humiliation have had to be teased out piece by piece and tested by trial and error.  Fortunately for me, HL is much more straightforward and has been able to be open with me about the sorts of things that he likes. Admittedly he started out small, but realising that within the dynamic we have fantasies often grow beyond the realm of impossible or improbable, these deeper imaginings have been articulated.

But what do you do when your fantasies don’t align?

Now there is certainly no pressure on me from HL to do anything that I am unhappy about. He would always insist that I was comfortable and would make sure that he knew exactly where I was with things whenever introducing something new. But now that these things have been spoken, my mind tosses and twists them around, playing with them as ideas and seeing where they go. I have even fantasised myself into certain situations to try to see how that feels. On many things, of course, we have found ourselves on the same page, but with playing with others we are not really. HL fantasises about seeing me with other men, and also other women, although that one seems to have taken a back seat.

Having discussed this a lot, I realise that these fantasies go from being able to exhibit me to others, through photography and in other ways, to having others be able to touch me at his direction, to actually watching someone else fuck me at his command.  I was initially reluctant even for pictures but have managed to move past that and am more comfortable with that and with being displayed at certain events.  The playing with others is still an area where I have a lot of reservations and I am not sure that the factors will ever be such that I will be able to fulfil those dreams for him. Monogamy is something that has always sat well for me and I am not sure how I would manage the emotional fallout of some of the other forms of relationship.

A lot of what we share and speak about are things that we might one day work towards and this is the same. I suppose that any fantasy reveals something about the person’s thoughts and so if you dig deep enough it can be possible to tap into what is there, without actually doing things that might not work out for you. In itself a fantasy is by definition not real, so what you hope to get is only imagined anyway. It is the imagined thoughts and the imagined feelings so and if you can establish what they are, and somehow recreate them in a slightly different format, then it can come a long way to meeting those desires.

That is what we have done on a number of levels with fantasies which we are not able to bring to life for one reason or another. For me, it happens a lot as the fantasies I have are made of snap shots of thoughts and feeling and images and are often not a sequential thing. They are often not things I would actually want to do but things which turn me on to think about. I suppose mine are more abstract and HL’s are more corporeal and so what we look for is a compromise between those two things. Roleplay has been a useful tool for this, as have other online outlets that we have.

I also think that by pushing your boundaries in a safe sort of way, you can experience some of the feelings and emotions that go along with certain things, so it is a way of testing out how something works for you. Imagining you would enjoy something and find it hot, is not the same as actually doing it and so to placing yourself into imagined situations in a more real way than just in your own head can often be a useful task. It allows you to explore, if nothing else and for some, that exploration is enough. For other more intrepid explorers, it only whets their appetite for more and becomes a journey that you decide to take together for real.

Prompt #367: FantasyWicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked


For more fictional fantasies, you may want to read On DisplayWrite me a fantasy, and His Pet

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. Fantasies are wonderful. My Queen and I share fantasies all the time, but while we imagine others with ourselves, I am not sure it would ever happen in real life. Still the imagining is hot!!

  2. I think that is one of the trickiest things when first starting out…risking the expression of your fantasies. How will they react? D/s gave us permission to talk about things we’ve never been able to talk about before. But still…the “forbidden” ideas that make up our fantasies make us so vulnerable. It’s good to be able to talk about them and be honest about them together. That’s one of the best parts of our D/s dynamic. The good news is that at least for now, we both agree on being turned on by our fantasies, but having the same boundaries to not act on them.

    • Those are great points and I agree with you QH. We will see where all of this goes in time and I am quite relaxed about it as I know we will talk and agree about any direction we choose to take ?

  3. Hi Missy … we’ve done more talking about fantasies in the last year and a half than we’ve done for years. The sharing and exploring between the two of us has been awesome. We too don’t always see eye to eye but I don’t see that as a negative … it’s good to have a little challenge :>) As we get to know more about what’s out there we’ve also talked about looking outside of our little bubble (such as attending an event or seeing what it’s like to go to a club to hang out with like minded folks) but talk is as far as we’ve gone – it stays a fantasy for now. I think it’s because it’s much easier to control outcomes when it’s just ourselves … if something works it works, if not, then reset and try again or not at all. I am also of the mind that sometimes a fantasy is best left as such … even in day to day life there are circumstances where reality doesn’t live up to the pictures in your mind … nj … xx

    • Great post Missy, it’s always interesting to read about how you and HL navigate your relationship. I find you inspiring and “normal” – Maybe that’s the wrong word- “real” might be better. Thank you ?

    • I completely agree NJ. I think that some fantasy is just that and it can be realised, whereas others can be used to spark the things that you choose to do and the direction you take. Like you, it doesn’t worry me that we are not always aligned as I think that can help us to push boundaries and to grow as a couple and as individuals. It would be boring and a little strange if we always wanted exactly the same things. ?

  4. The one great thing here is that these thoughts are not hidden – they are discussed – the old communication is key thing – and of course a fanatsy does not need to become a reality x

  5. Like yours, my fantasies also seem to come in snippets, and to write them down I always have to create a ‘supporting story’ around the fragments I see in my mind. And also like you, mostly I prefer my fantasies to be just that, as living them out might not be as hot as imagining them.

    Rebel xox

    • It is strange the way it works isn’t it. That feeling of wanting to but not wanting to at the same time ?

  6. One of things I have found useful is writing my fantasies as stories. That is a great way to share them in a way that feels less exposing. Also for many of them just having them told to me while we are playing is enough to get me on. I don’t actually want to be fucked by a room of strange men who have paid for me…. but tell me about it while we fuck and I will turn to mush


    • Yes we use that too and it works well. It can feel strange at the start but I think it comes with letting go ?

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