Room 101

Room 101 for Food For Thought Friday #101

The prompt this week for Food For Thought Friday is Room 101. As an Orwell fan,, I thought about using ‘1984’ as my inspiration and writing about my worst fear. I have written about fear before and being honest, the thought of Winston Smith with the rat cage attached to his face is something that inspires the sort of fears that would not be positive to write about. So instead, I am mainstreaming with a kink-based list of things I would nominate, were I on the TV programme instead.

The One True Way

The first thing I would put into Room 101 are the people who promote The One True Way.  HL and I would consider ourselves sensible and educated people, however, we still managed to fall foul of those promising that their streets were paved with gold. I have written about this before, and it remains a topic of conversation which comes up with those who have also suffered the sales pitch for the finest set of the emperors new clothes I have ever seen. I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was quite misleading and quite disheartening to be told that what we were doing was wrong, and that it was their way or no way.

Suffice to say that we soon realised the error of our ways and, suspecting that those-who-invented-married-D/s were wrong, set out to seek our own kinky fortune.  And what do you know? We, and actually thousands of others like us, are managing to live a D/s lifestyle our way and not theirs. Wow. Who would have thought? So in the interests of those new to TTWD, please, please, please send those who promote the one true way like a holy grail rule book of BDSM to Room 101 now, and let us all do things the way that is best for us. Here is your golden ticket!

Kink Hierarchy

I suppose this one goes hand in hand with kink shaming in a sense but, as that is not something I have experienced directly, it is the lesser form I want to banish. Now, I am not a fan of hierarchy per se and have a bit of a live and let live sort of attitude. If it makes you happy, that is fine by me. And if it makes you happy and it is not something I know much about, I am happy to hear about it with an open mind, even if it isn’t something I am likely to do. But I see a lot of comments around about me, in blogland and on social media, which pertain to an unspoken sort of hierarchy of kink. In a passive aggressive way, what is spoken of is condoned for being something you are allowed to be into, whilst at the same time being publicly denounced as not something they would ever want to do themselves.

What is the point in this, good people? If you aren’t into it and have made up your mind about it then why not refrain from leaving a comment? Why do you feel that you need to make sure others know that it isn’t something you would do? I have noticed as well, that this unwritten hierarchy seems to surround types, or roles, as well as kinks. While all kinks may be acceptable, some are definitely seen as being better than others. For example, while most forms of impact play are fully accepted within kinky circles, age play can lead to a lot of challenging questions and dismissive statements. So, if it was up to me, I would banish these passive aggressive hierarchical comments to Room 101, and leave them there to gather likes on their own.

The Pretenders

No not the Pretenders, I mean the great pretenders. The ones who know everything about everything and tell you in such an emphatic way that their own unsubstantiated viewpoint comes across as gospel, rather than something based on thin air. They are all around us and sometimes they can be hard to spot. They talk, they write, they offer advice. Often they seem to be well connected and yet, they are as fake as the designer handbags sold on street corners in Rome. They can seem so plausible and rather than just doing their thing quietly, as could be forgiven for a lonely wannabe, they seem to manage to elevate themselves to positions where they can be worshipped as the experts they are pretending to be.

I suppose with each person who buys their expertise, they become stronger, the walls around them growing more solid and more believable. And I think that sometimes they even believe themselves, the web of lies the spin. Perhaps they grow to believe that their own fantasy is as good as the experience the pretend to have, that their research means that they are expert and that watching a you tube clip of a Japanese Master performing shibari is the same as actually completing the rope suspension scene he is telling you about. These tricksters are dangerous and should be sniffed out and exposed, named and shamed and then relegated to the vaults of room 101 where they can sell their fake gold to the one true wayers and try to climb up the slippery ladder of the kink hierarchy.

Well I feel much better having got all of that off my chest. Please hit the badge to take a look at what else is being sent to Room 101 this Food 4 Thought Friday.




Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. Wow – powerful post Missy – I have never heard of “one True Way” but they sound dreadful –
    And I understand where you are coming from with the other two hates – and those posts you read which sound so true, the blogger says they are true, but something niggles at you as you read – great post Missy – TY so much for joining in this week x

  2. Nice post missy, it’s all about respect in the end, of other people and the things they enjoy. So often it’s the thoughts of others that can get in the way.

  3. Excellent post Missy! Of all the posts for this week’s F4TFriday yours was my favourite. One True Way and The Pretenders are a huge part of what fuels my blog and podcast. It is disheartening when fledgling kinksters are blindsided by these folks and either give up on kink altogether or start down a path that truly doesn’t work for them because they thinks it’s what they should be doing. Offering up the knowledge that there are as many ways to do kink as there are people into it is one of my main missions I think.

    As for YKINMK, I spend a lot of time expressing that certain kinks are not my kinks, usually because I want folk to know I am not an authority on what I’m chatting about but regardless of that I want that particular kink to be included in the conversation and for folks whose kink it is to know it’s a grand kink to have. That said the points you made absolutely made consider whether or not I’m saying this in the right way, I will definitely be more mindful going forward as to whether or not I sound like I am giving misplaced approval for those kinks rather than a big old cheer for them. you honestly raised such a good point that I may have to ponder it some more.

    Thank you so much for being here for mine and May’s first week of F4TFriday, here’s to lots more future prompts and the hope that they inspire more posts like this one from you.

    Floss x

    • Thanks Floss. I didn’t mean to make you question yourself. I think you have the balance right and write about some of the stuff that others can dismiss so my rant wasn’t directed at you at all.

      I have always enjoyed food for thought Friday and am really pleased that you and May have kept it going as it would have been a shame to lose it after all KW’s hard work. Here’s to many more posts ?

      • Ooh no I love a good dose of posts that make me think ? I’m very pleased to know I have enough self-awareness to do so. And yay for more future F4TF posts, we definitely want to make KW proud! Next up May has us thinking about mistakes ? My thinking cap is on for that one x

  4. Great post. Thank you for sharing. I think a feeling I wouldn’t be doing something “the right way” put me off openly exploring what kink could be for me for a long while, and at the same time limited how I thought about the experiences I had explored. Strong voices that say “walk to the beat of the drum that works for you (and your partner!)” are a really important part of this community and throwing those who demand we walk to their beat into room 101 seems an act of community service. 🙂

    • Thank you Alethea. I was the same and no sooner had I found my label, I felt like I was failing. Here’s to the walk to the beat of your own drum voices ?

  5. Well said! Proud of you for telling it like it is and standing up for yourself (knowing that you had to do it emotionally before writing it!).

    The world is full of…people. Broken, messed up people. We all are, of course. But some take their brokenness out on others. We must simply learn to ignore them. They aren’t worth our emotional energy!

  6. The whole ‘one true way’ thing gets on my nerves too. The idea that some people think they can dictate how the relationships of others are allowed to be makes my blood boil. The hierarchy thing hit a nerve, as early in our relationship there was another woman in G’s life. She took pride in telling me where I came in the submissive hierarchy. This has made me very careful about such things. Great post Missy xx

    • Thanks Julie. The hierarchy to do with position must be hugely hard. Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with that myself but I think I would be like you and it would definitely hit a nerve ?

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