What is Dominance

What is Dominance?

The Tell Me About prompt this time is Dominance. I have written before about why I feel that I have A Need for Domination on an emotional level, and have also explored Why Dominance turns me on in a more recent post. What I don’t think I have ever really been able to explain, even to HL, is what Dominance actually is. I underwent a twitterattack a while ago now with someone who told me that we weren’t really D/s because I was Soliciting Dominance. At the time it made me really mad as I disagreed with the principle and with the misogynist who was criticising me, but I suppose it does show that dominance can mean different things in different relationships.

What is Dominance

Dominance as a noun is defined as power and influence over others. It is a quality that some people have but can also be the practice that some people use.  This means that being dominant can be something you are, but it can also be an active thing, in other words, it becomes something you do. This can be confusing in some senses as it is not the acts themselves that are dominant but the way that they are carried out and the effect they have which makes them so. It is the qualities attributed to the acts which then evoke a certain set of feelings within the person, leading them to experience the act as a dominant one.

A Dominant is the name for a person who takes the dominant role within a BDSM power exchange relationship. From my experience living in a full time D/s relationship, this means that the Dom doesn’t just have to take a dominant role or do dominant things, they actually have to be dominant. It is active and it becomes laced through all aspects of the relationship. As a submissive your behaviour supports and compliments this, but it is something which is there all of the time rather than being something that you switch on and off. It is something you both feel, and therefore acts which may not be seen as being dominant or submissive in other senses, take on a different meaning.

Feeling Your Dominance

I don’t know what it feels like from the other side of the slash, but I know what it feels like in a submissive sense to be with someone who is dominant. I have tried to explain here some of the ways that HL makes his dominance felt.

When you kiss me, it is like your life depends on it. It feels like a need for me and my body, which is almost desperate and can’t be quenched. It is aggressive and demanding whilst at the same time making me feel as if I am the most desired and most cherished thing in your world.

When you look at me, your eyes see through mine into all that I am. Every vulnerability I have ever shown and all the parts of me you know. There is a depth to the look that reminds me you have seen my weakness but tells me that you want me more than you have wanted anyone.

When you touch me you take control of my body, drawing from it the responses that you want to see. You state them clearly, one by one, remarking on them every time and outlining the ways that I am submitting to your thoughts, and to your will.

When you talk to me, you tell me what you need and what you want. You show me what I do to you and make me acknowledge the part I am playing in what is happening. You steer my thoughts in the direction you want them to go, and seduce my mind at the same time as you seduce my body.

When you take me, it is with a desperation and a feeling that this very moment is what we are and what we have become. It feels as if you have suspended us in time for a second and that it will never end. It feels as if we are the answer.

When you hold me in your arms it feels like safety and acceptance. Everything else melts away and disappears as you whisper in my ear that I am yours and I know that I don’t need or want anything more than this – right here, right now.

When you aren’t with me, I still feel you there. Your presence is never far and the fact that you are thinking about me is at the fore. The little things you do that remind me of what we are, of the way we are, keeps me with you in my head and makes me ready to submit to you.

When I think of you I feel known and loved. I feel wanted and desired. I feel a connection like I have never felt and it feels so much bigger than any of the things we do which are part of it. It feels impossible to explain, and so we don’t find the words, but I know that you feel it too.


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    • Thanks gem. I am having to think about the prompts as I have written about most of the topics before ?

    • Thanks you. I still feel that I haven’t really done it justice. It is so hard to explain as the examples can sound sort of hollow out of context. ?

  1. Beautiful. I nodded along to lots of it. Thing is, D/s relationships are as different and varied as any other. It’s kinda awesome really. There’s no ‘one twue way’and your D/s sounds awesome.

  2. I know exactly what you mean…. I feel the same way and it’s frustrating that people feel they have the right to tell you what you do is “wrong”!!!!! ?

  3. Beautifully written. I love how you describe it and can empathise with feeling very much in that moment. As for the misogynist, well that’s just it. They’re a misogynist and not worth wasting brain cells on!! x

  4. When I try to define dominance, I tend to think specifically about how I feel JB’s dominance. Because yes it’s actions and mindsets but it’s also a feeling and how we interact with each other. Love this. 🙂

  5. Very helpful read. I had a similar epiphany this week and seeing you listing out what I concluded is reassuring that I’m finally on the right track.

      • Sweet one … Don’t be sorry… It is hard but … At the end of the day, He gave me seven glorious years and that is more that I could ever have hoped for … I just pray He is well and happy and has found the peace He so desperately needs.

  6. This was so very well-written. I love how you went from defining it to your personal experience. I can relate to a lot of what you said. For me, there is also this strong need for them to show their dominance. It is not something that I expect from them, but if it isn’t there just for a moment, I need to poke it out of them!

    • I know what you mean. I think that can be hard to show it all the time through actions as life brings different challenges with it, but where the feeling is there, that can carry me through. ?

  7. I especially loved the part about feeling him there even when you are alone. I know that statement can have several meanings. For me, even when Ma’am isn’t with me (work or whatever), I’m always wondering what she wants from me. I always imagine she’s actively in control of anything. Anywhere. Any time. It’s powerful to know her dominance is always in effect. And I guess only a submissive would understand…but I like feeling that way.

    Sorry for the opinionated idiot who attacked you onTwitter. The world is full of haters. Don’t let it get you down.

    • Thanks QH. I was mad about that guy at the time but had forgotten to him as is best. So many opinionated idiots. ?

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  10. I like it when my hubby shows his dominant side. Yum 🙂
    Great article btw. It gave a great intro to domination. BDSM etc,
    Thanks for sharing!

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