Trust and submission

Trust and submission

If D/s has taught me anything, it has taught me that feelings are not quantifiable. I have always had trust in HL. Has it always been the same level of trust that I have in him now? No. Is it at a level where I can say in all honesty, I will never trust him more than I do now? No. I feel that I trust him as much as is humanly possible to trust someone. What I know is that I have felt this before. I have felt like I trust him as much as I can, and then watched my trust in him grow more. It is not quantifiable, it is organic. Like so much of D/s, it is about feelings which grow and are shaped over time. For me, trust and submission are part of that.

The feeling of ‘the most’ comes from the intensity. I often think I am at my maximum. The greatest orgasm, the deepest level of intimacy, the closest connection. I shift between the comparative and the superlative all the time. D/s has pushed and stretched my boundaries, not just in terms of what I do, but also in terms of what I feel. Each time I stop to take stock, I realise that I feel more than I did before. That things have grown where I did not see it was possible. And for sure, trust is one of these areas.

Within a relationship, people will use trust to suggest belief that their partner will be monogamous. I don’t trust him has come to suggest that you think they may stray or cheat on you. Actually trust is much more basic than that. Trust is about a belief, or a faith in the ability of the other person. Trust is about the confidence that the other person can be relied upon to meet your needs. A need for monogamy may be something that applies to you of course, but then again, it might not be.  I am aware of non monogamous relationships where the level of trust that one person has in the other (or others) is huge, so really it is about being able rely on someone to do what is important to you.

One thing that I need to trust is honesty.  Honesty is  important to me. I don’t mean simply not lying, I mean volunteering the truth, and that goes for both of us. For things to work we need to be communicating fully and expressing our feelings openly. We need to be volunteering information about where we are at and checking in with one another. In a relationship where your aim is to meet the needs of the other, you need to be able to know what those needs are. Some will come from those little signals of course, but some will need to be more explicit. Neither of us are mind readers and so we are continually asking and answering in order to keep connected with one another. From this comes trust. The trust that you will say if some thing is wrong. The trust that you will be honest.

Part of the trust also comes from giving as well as receiving. The power exchange is based on a continual circle of give and take, where one of you responds to the words, actions and responses of the other. When this happens you  end up being highly attuned to one another and because this is the case, the level of trust you have in each other is increased. I used to say it was like falling back and knowing you would be caught. For me, if everything is working well, this is how it feels. HL responds to my feelings almost before I am even aware of them. And the respect is part of this too. I suppose because I treat him respectfully he feels he can trust me in doing things which he might hold back from otherwise, whether that is expressing his deepest desires or pushing my boundaries during a scene.

Vulnerability is key to this. We both have to make ourselves vulnerable to each other which not only demonstrates our trust in the other, but also allows each to be supportive and empathetic. The fact that this is illustrated each and every day means that the intimacy and trust grows to a place it would not have been able to do otherwise. We are in a relationship where we take risks together, and in doing so, we reinforce the trust that we have because it is continually being proved.

The upshot is a relationship where we live pretty harmoniously together. We give each other the benefit of the doubt and don’t engage in the tit-for-tat power struggles that some couples do. We want what is best for the other and in meeting their needs, we put them first.  We don’t have to be selfish because the trust we have means that we can focus on the other, knowing that our own needs will be met. This is refreshing for someone who has not been in this sort of relationship before. I am not saying that D/s is the only way of course, just that it is the only way for me. I can see how far the trust has brought us and I can see how much it has grown as we have gone deeper into this dynamic. What I don’t know is where it will go next, but I trust that the growth will continue to be positive.

Trust and submission go hand in hand for me.  It is because of one that I am able to really be the other. Without submission I would not trust at the level I do, but without trust I would not be able to fully submit so they are intricately linked. I am pretty sure that HL would feel the same about trust and Dominance but clearly that is a different post and not one that I can write. The trust that we have not only provides the intensity and depth of connection that we have but it also becomes the springboard for a dynamic where we are able to explore together. I trust that he will catch me when I fall and support and encourage me when I need it, but I also trust that he will keep me safe, comfortable and help me to grow. Whether it is knowing when I can take a little more or knowing when I have nothing more to give, I trust that he will make that call.


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  1. You are right that D/s is not the only way when it comes to deep trust. However, D/s is one form of relationship where deep trust is an essential element for it to work and survive. To think you’ve reached the limit of deep trust and then find that it takes another step is something I recognise very well ?

  2. I love how you mentioned that trust and monogamy doesn’t necessarily come hand in hand, and how trust and your submission works together allowing yourself that vulnerability. I wish I could round up my points as eloquently as in your posts! 🙂

  3. I can appreciate your take, Missy, that trust is not quantifiable and it morphs over time and circumstance … At any time in our years together, if asked, I would have said yes, I trust Frank. However, for me, ‘how’ I trust him is very different now … the meaning of the word trust has changed … nj … xx

  4. “The feeling of ‘the most’ comes from the intensity. I often think I am at my maximum. The greatest orgasm, the deepest level of intimacy, the closest connection.”

    What you describe here is, in my opinion, the best benefit of D/s…that vulnerability and trust creates a space for continued growth in intimacy. We reach a point where we think “we’re there”, only to reach the same point again later in the relationship, and it’s still better yet. It’s so amazing to be in a relationship that gets to experience this, because sadly, few people ever do.

    Great post Missy!

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