The first sexy pictures I ever took were for HL. This is probably partly due to my age. Mobile phones and modern technology have made it so much easier and more commonplace. The fear and embarrassment of where and how to develop such pictures is no longer an issue, and neither is the cost of taking hundreds of failed attempts for ‘the one’, or the technicalities of capturing a self portrait. But a bigger reason for me is that I wasn’t sexy before HL. Clearly I was the same person physically, and during my younger days would arguably have been in better shape, but for me sexy is a feeling and not an attribute. It is something that he has made me feel and consequentially it became something that I could be for him. And this included being it for him via picture message and saved images for him to peruse.
It was exciting in the beginning. It felt a bit naughty and a bit daring, especially when I sent the images to him. I was caught up in the whole metamorphosis that being with him brought about though, and taking and sharing the pictures was just part of that change. It seems odd to say now that it felt like a rebirth but that is the reality. I had been carrying the emotional burden of a partner who was slowly unravelling before my eyes, a marriage that was rapidly failing as a result, and the weight of trying to keep things balanced and happy for children who were all that really mattered to me. There was no space for me. I ceased to be more than a wife and a mother as that was all there could be. I see now that the perception that it was my responsibility to manage and fix it all, was part of what living with emotional abuse does, but I did not see that then.
I was a finely tuned version of myself. Everything about me was alert and highly sensitive to responding to the changes and crises that happened as part of what went on. There was no real opportunity to be me so I became lost and HL saw me. By seeing me he allowed me to slowly be returned and feeling, and being sexy was a part of that. It was strange to feel like that again after so long. It was quite consuming when it happened and I did things that I wouldn’t usually have done. I felt strong and more secure than I had in a long time and I was carried along by the feelings he encouraged, listening to them and responding to them. After we introduced D/s into our relationship the feelings changed again and so did the way I saw myself.
I felt that D/s made me sexy but actually it was HL who did that. I was caught up in a world which was exciting and new and different from anything I had experienced before. I became happier with him taking pictures of me but it wasn’t until he posted them more publicly that things really took a twist in terms of my body image. My Throwing Caution to the Window project was a way of meeting the need he had to show me off, but also led to me challenging some of the negative concepts that I had about my own body image. The positive comments and encouragement I received meant that I was able to slowly see myself more and more as he, and now others, saw me. It lifted my self esteem a bit and gave me a measure of confidence that I had never had in the past.
I have had some issues around images and other areas of my life so I have had to reign things back in a little, but taking pictures is still something we do in private. It is something we enjoy but it also plays into the power exchange that we have. I don’t know where things will go in the future but I am keen that this remains an area of personal growth as well as something that is part of our dynamic. We have certainly been more daring in the past and if the opportunity for that arises again then it would be something that we would both want to do. Until then I guess we will work within the limits that we have, and will enjoy the positives which taking sexy pictures has brought for us.