More and more I am realising that it is Dominance that turns me on. I am not sure why I am surprised about this as it was one of the things which initially encouraged me to ask HL to be my Dominant, but I at points we have got lost with the things we do rather than the way that we do them. Recently I have written posts where I acknowledge the fact that it is his words which trigger the strong response he wants to elicit, rather than the thrill of what he is doing. Sometimes I feel like the odd one out when I toy with the idea that I am not turned on by the kink, as much as by how it is used.
I have written before about why I have A Need for Domination in the sense of the lifestyle part of our relationship, but more and more, I need it in order to become aroused and really let go in a sexual sense too. Sometimes I think it confuses HL that the things that used to work, don’t seem to have the same impact that they used to. I think that opening the door to BDSM allowed the thrill of the forbidden and the naughty, and the excitement of trying something new, which has now faded a bit leaving me with a much more particular set of erotic triggers.
It definitely seems to boil down to words. I need words which show that I have given up control and that he has taken it from me, not by force really, but by the slow seducing of my mind and my body. I need him to make me want things which make me feel embarrassed or awkward, things which I feel are naughty or wrong. I want him to make me want him in an uncontrollable way, to be wanton, needy and desperate for him. I want him to document my loss of control, stage by stage so that I am exposed and confronted with it. I want him to tell me what he needs from me and to make sure that I give it to him.
While some of this taps into my desire for humiliation through cognitive dissonance, much of it is about sharing observations of the changes in my body, and the way I am responding to him and the things he is doing. It is about showing me how much I like it and how much he is controlling the way that I am. It is about the balance between give and take. As he takes the control from me, so I lose control of myself and the one feeds the other. It is about engaging my mind, so that it is forced to accept the way my body has reacted, even though it has not been a subconscious choice.
It is hard to explain, and according to HL, harder to do. It requires him to take the lead and tap into the things that are triggers for me. He has to know me, the way that I work and the weaknesses I have. He has to balance my awkwardness, embarrassment or shame carefully against his love, desire and acceptance for me in the same way that he balances the pleasure of touch, against the pain of impact. He has to believe in himself so that I can believe in him too, have confidence in himself so that I am confident in him too, and then he can begin the process of slowly drawing me out of myself, piece by piece.
As this happens, we both move deeper, to a place where it is all about him and I have given myself completely. We are both high on the feelings created from what has passed between us, and on the control he has over me. He is able to make my body respond to him in any way he wants, but only because he first has taken my mind. He has made me want him with a desire and longing that feels like it consumes me, and although the spaces we exist in are different, polar opposites in some ways, they are so similar in others that they create a connection like no other.
The feelings that begin as flickers of electricity, sparked by the words, surge and rise and grow until they take over completely. As I let go, giving more and more, he is able to direct me, to tell me what I feel and how I will respond, watching as it happens as he speaks. The more successful he is, the further he takes it, his Dominance and ownership of me growing as I illustrate my submission in such a visible and tangible way. While the use of toys and kinky play will aid his mindset and assist in that sense, they are not required for me. It is all about him and what he says and does. It is about his Dominance of me. His Dominance is what turns me on.
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