Why Dominance Turns Me On

Why Dominance turns me on

More and more I am realising that it is Dominance that turns me on. I am not sure why I am surprised about this as it was one of the things which initially encouraged me to ask HL to be my Dominant, but I at points we have got lost with the things we do rather than the way that we do them. Recently I have written posts where I acknowledge the fact that it is his words which trigger the strong response he wants to elicit, rather than the thrill of what he is doing. Sometimes I feel like the odd one out when I toy with the idea that I am not turned on by the kink, as much as by how it is used.

I have written before about why I have A Need for Domination in the sense of the lifestyle part of our relationship, but more and more, I need it in order to become aroused and really let go in a sexual sense too. Sometimes I think it confuses HL that the things that used to work, don’t seem to have the same impact that they used to. I think that opening the door to BDSM allowed the thrill of the forbidden and the naughty, and the excitement of trying something new, which has now faded a bit leaving me with a much more particular set of erotic triggers.

It definitely seems to boil down to words. I need words which show that I have given up control and that he has taken it from me, not by force really, but by the slow seducing of my mind and my body. I need him to make me want things which make me feel embarrassed or awkward, things which I feel are naughty or wrong. I want him to make me want him in an uncontrollable way, to be wanton, needy and desperate for him. I want him to document my loss of control, stage by stage so that I am exposed and confronted with it. I want him to tell me what he needs from me and to make sure that I give it to him.

While some of this taps into my desire for humiliation through cognitive dissonance, much of it is about sharing observations of the changes in my body, and the way I am responding to him and the things he is doing. It is about showing me how much I like it and how much he is controlling the way that I am. It is about the balance between give and take. As he takes the control from me, so I lose control of myself and the one feeds the other. It is about engaging my mind, so that it is forced to accept the way my body has reacted, even though it has not been a subconscious choice.

It is hard to explain, and according to HL, harder to do. It requires him to take the lead and tap into the things that are triggers for me. He has to know me, the way that I work and the weaknesses I have. He has to balance my awkwardness, embarrassment or shame carefully against his love, desire and acceptance for me in the same way that he balances the pleasure of touch, against the pain of impact. He has to believe in himself so that I can believe in him too, have confidence in himself so that I am confident in him too, and then he can begin the process of slowly drawing me out of myself, piece by piece.

As this happens, we both move deeper, to a place where it is all about him and I have given myself completely. We are both high on the feelings created from what has passed between us, and on the control he has over me.  He is able to make my body respond to him in any way he wants, but only because he first has taken my mind. He has made me want him with a desire and longing that feels like it consumes me, and although the spaces we exist in are different, polar opposites in some ways, they are so similar in others that they create a connection like no other.

The feelings that begin as flickers of electricity, sparked by the words, surge and rise and grow until they take over completely. As I let go, giving more and more, he is able to direct me, to tell me what I feel and how I will respond, watching as it happens as he speaks. The more successful he is, the further he takes it, his Dominance and ownership of me growing as I illustrate my submission in such a visible and tangible way. While the use of toys and kinky play will aid his mindset and assist in that sense, they are not required for me. It is all about him and what he says and does. It is about his Dominance of me. His Dominance is what turns me on.


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  1. It’s interesting to read how you distinguish the kink from the feelings you require. I, as someone in a similar position to HL also find it hard sometimes to get that balance right. Finding the triggers and getting the mood right especially. But reading this certainly helps.

    • Thank you PS. I think the whole thing is quite organic and there are so many elements in play that there is always going to be some change about what works and what doesn’t ?

  2. I absolutely love this post, the way you talk about his dominance turning you on, and how you explain why and share more of the dynamic between you. It makes me long for things…

    Rebel xox

    • Thank you. I think more and more this is what works for me. But then I read your post and thought that on a wider level there are lots of other things too. Sometimes I can get quite focused I think ?

  3. Thank you Michael. Sometimes I think I am like putty but I recognize the work that goes into what HL (and other D roles) do ?

    • I can very much relate to what you have written missy, words are very important and are key to pushing the right buttons in my mind that turns me on.

  4. Hi Missy … as someone who never thought Dominance/submission could work for us in our life outside the bedroom, I can relate … we had the kinky sex for many years … now it’s all about the Dominance … tho’ the kinky sex is still along for the ride :>)) … It is hard work for the Dominant … we have high and sometimes changing expectations and the dynamic is ever evolving … nj … xx

    • I try to keep my expectations in check but you are right that it can be hard. I like that it is always evolving ❤️

  5. So well explained. Ditto!!

    “I need words which show that I have given up control and that he has taken it from me, not by force really, but by the slow seducing of my mind and my body. I need him to make me want things which make me feel embarrassed or awkward, things which I feel are naughty or wrong. …I want him to document my loss of control, stage by stage so that I am exposed and confronted with it.” (Gender reversed of course)

    This is the ultimate turn on for me as a sub. Words. Words that control. Words that humiliate. Words that dominate.

    Maybe that’s what makes your writing so good…you know the power of words. ?

    • Thank you so much QH and I am glad that it struck a chord with you. Maybe I need to try to be more gender friendly though ?

  6. I totally get this. Actions alone are not enough, words and the mind are the things that change them into the perfect storm! When MrH speaks to me that changes things for me drastically…

  7. Funny to see this as the general topic is one I have been pondering a post on. My thoughts are from the other side of the fence yet the point that one feeds off the other and the role of language in that is the same.

    Hope you have been well ma’am.

    • I am very interested to read it if and when you do write it. It is always so helpful to see things from the other side of the fence. Great to hear from you – I hope you have been well ?

      • Busy, very busy….. Worked 7 days a week since January, usually gone from home 16-18 hours a day so… But, you gave impetus (as you so often have) to a thought I had been mulling. Feel free to read shortly and add a link as WP no longer allows me links or photos.

        Thank you for the kick in the pants, needed it as you shall see.

        • Wow that is a lot to be working. I hope that you are still having time for fun and those precious moments even if not the time, or energy, to write about them. I will keep my eye out and link ?

          • In fairness, I average 10-12 hours and work all 7 but… The beauty lies in those other hours. There I help a number of people and groups and I am lucky to get the chance to see the beauty of life and the world around me through that and the places it takes me. Typically I get to have Girly-girl with me so there is always fun to be had.

            It’s up. If it isn’t to horrid, put a link in the comments for the reads you deserve.

          • Sorry I have been slow to reply. I am away for work but will get to your post asap ?

  8. I love where you went with this. It is not always the tangible that revs our engines, and the longer we are with someone the more we have to work at keeping the fire stoked.

  9. You have so perfectly stated it, missy. I have similar feelings, in that it is His ability to work the situation, rather than the situation itself, that turns me on. It’s a lot of pressure, but a good Dom is up to the challenge, because, as you pointed out, once you are in the zone, it is all about Him.

  10. When I was reading your post I thought to myself, “she’s not the odd one out’. Then I looked at your comments and saw that my thought was accurate! LOL. Anything B does can be made or broken with his words. He and I just talked about this the day before yesterday.


    • Thanks willie. I think what I meant was that I don’t seem to get turned on by the kink anymore. Not in the way that I did. The toys and restrains etc are fine but I think they were more about novelty in trying something new and different and sometime a bit naughty and now that is gone I need to words to make them work. I read lots of writing by others who still seem to find magic in ‘the things’. ?

  11. From the other side of the fence and a long time admirer of your posts, this is exactly how I think it works for us. We are married, committed to each other, and have a young family. Besides the BDSM trappings, to me, what seem to be working for her is the illusion of dominance. This is illusion is real of course as there are everyday things that we do which reinforce it. But it is nevertheless an illusion. An illusion formed in her head. Manipulating it is our biggest turn on. Props are just props. Don’t get very far without pulling the illusion levers.

    • It is an interesting question of what is reality and what is illusion. I wonder if the fact that you make it real to her shifts it from being illusion even if that is how it started. Thank you for your kind comment too ?

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