There are some things that I would like to mention. About me. And about my life. I have never told you because I worry that you would not understand, and that you might use it against me, so I keep quiet. I don’t mention these things which are unmentionable.
It is about sex of course. Well, at least partly about sex. You see I like things which you would find weird. They aren’t weird to me, or to some of the other people I know, but I know that they are weird to you. And I know that if I told you it might not go well. I don’t think you would see what I see. I think you would see the things I like as bad and harmful, even though this is not how it is for me.
I like being tied up. I like being toyed with and played with. I like to be made to lose control and to be pushed past the point where I would naturally want to stop. I like the rush and the high that I get from being made to squirm and feel small. I get off on it really. There is no harm at all, in fact safety both physically and emotionally is always at the fore, but still it is seen as wrong.
And it feels too big to mention. Too big to admit to when I am not supposed to like these things. To dress up and play a role for him, to allow him unlimited access to my body, to open myself to him for his use. To be his play thing and to fulfil his dreams and desires. To become aroused by the effect that giving myself to him brings.
The fact that I am pushed to the point where I float a little on the endorphin rush that he has created within me is something that I can never explain. I will nod wisely when people talk of the acceptable high which comes from extreme exercise, but I don’t mention that the same thing occurs for me from the type of sex that we have. I know you don’t want to hear about that, to think about it at all.
There are other things that I don’t mention. The fact that I kneel at his feet, that I adhere to rules he has set for me, perform certain rituals each and every day. That he listens to my opinion but that his decision is final and that I will accept that he has the last word. That we have agreed that he will lead and I will follow and that there are aspects beyond sex where I will serve him.
I never mention that my aim is to meet his needs, to please his desires and to obey his commands. Who does that in this day and age? Certainly not someone like me. It would not be believable, that I could be happy being so subjugated. And that is what you would think if you knew the truth. So I don’t talk about what is unmentionable, incomprehensible next to your life, which is lived out in a different way.
I don’t tell you that I write about what I do. That I talk about what I do with others and that I celebrate what I do with them because they recognise that the intimacy and connection we have is special. When you ask about internet chat rooms and online friendships and web design, you don’t seem to wonder how I know what I do. My varied clutch of friends from all walks of life doesn’t arouse suspicion, because of what is never spoken of at all.
It is shocking really. Not the fact that I do what I do, but the fact that in the here and now it would be so taboo, not because of what it is but because of the sort of person I am. There is something about it that threatens you I suppose. If I want these things, what if others do too? Better not to talk about it. Better not to know. Better to leave the unmentionable where it belongs. Better never to tell you that I am a submissive wife and to explain what that means.
Click to see who else is writing about the unmentionable this week!