“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” Anais Nin
The prompt for Wicked Wednesday this week is elaborate. The instruction is to take a story you have written, or a short blog post, or maybe even a tweet and … elaborate.
I have missed being able to use the prompts due to my participation in the A to Z Challenge, so I was hoping that this week’s prompt would speak to me. When I first started my blog, HL and I already had a private one where we wrote things for each other, posted images etc. I suppose because of that, I included a couple of posts early on which were simply pictures with a statement. My style quickly evolved into posts which were more detailed, but seeing the prompt reminded me of an early post I had which was just an image and an announcement that we were having a medical scene that evening. This would have been ideal to elaborate on, but it was sent to the bin a week or so ago!
When I checked, I did find another post in the archives which was simply a quotation I had liked, so here goes with my elaboration. This is the post, and all it contains is a picture of the Anais Nin quotation which is at the top of this piece. It seems strange now that considering I had posted this in August 2016, I did not write My submission, His submissive, and the other kick-ass part that I don’t talk about until December of 2017. The realisation that my form of submission was never going to look like I had expected it would, came as a bit of a surprise, despite my earlier attraction to a quote which highlighted what I really felt I was looking for from D/s.
I was not, and I think I never will be, the demure and accepting person that I had anticipated with regard to my submission. It feels like I need to be dominated in order to fully submit. I will gladly submit, but I want to be taken. I love the thrill of the chase, the slow giving in, and undoing of myself. And I am turned on by the fact that HL can make me want the things that I don’t want to want. Having wrestled with myself for a while for not doing it right, and wondering why my thoughts wouldn’t fall in line with the way I felt they should, I came to the realisation not just about what I not, but also about the sort of submissive I am.
I always come back to the point that he wanted me before we started D/s. The woman he was attracted to initially was feisty, passionate, argumentative and strong, so why try to hide those qualities? When I look at our life together I can see that he is happy to champion me and push me to the fore with regard to my achievements. He is my biggest supporter and my greatest fan. He will stand back and let me shine if the occasion warrants it, and he will stand along side me when he wants to offer support or share in my success. By doing this he makes me stronger, he makes me braver, he gives me self-belief and value.
Realising that I could keep my strength and still be submissive was really helpful. I had felt for a while that it was counter productive and that the two parts, home and work, kind of detracted, rather than enhanced each other. It made me feel much better when I made sense of what I felt, and of how it worked best for us, and accepted how I was. And for us, it actually made the part when I was vulnerable even more important. It allowed me to show my vulnerability, to throw off some of my protective layers when I was with him, and to open myself up in ways that I hadn’t felt able to when I was actively trying.
Ironic that celebrating what I saw as my more dominant traits actually allowed the more submissive ones a place to grow, but that is certainly how it seemed to work out. He became my safe place, my refuge and my home. Prior to D/s I had hidden a lot of what I saw as my weakness, and in the beginning of D/s I hid what I saw as being my strength. So when I finally stopped trying to hide and became more visible, everything fell into place in a way which brought me a sense of calm and freedom and escape.
So nearly three years after first posting the quotation, I am able to elaborate and say that I am lucky to be with a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
Please go and check out the other entries and see else is elaborating this week.