It’s that time. What I mean is, it is time for a change. Time for me to change or rather, time for me to be changed. And so, after a long discussion at the weekend, some changes have been put in place. I am ashamed to say that I think I have slipped into bad ways. Perhaps I have always had these ways but they have become more obvious to me, and when that happens, it usually means that a change is required. I want to be submissive, believe me I do, but sometimes when I look at my behaviour, I don’t think that I am doing a good job.
This can be hard to admit. I look around me and can’t say that I feel I am a bad submissive. I am respectful and I stick to my rules. I complete the rituals we have set up and I try to put HL’s needs before my own. I think about submission, I write about submission and I talk about submission. But sometimes I feel that what I am doing is a picture of submission rather than the real deal. Sometimes I look at myself and I wonder if I am really giving anything up that I am not glad to give?
Now this could be based in the fact that I have found my perfect Dominant and we complement each other in a way which makes it effortless, but I know enough to know that life is not like that. Although it would be a lovely thought, it doesn’t excite me for things to feel effortless. I like a challenge, I like to be pushed, I like to be moving forward in a way which feels a little unknown. Not all the time of course. Sometimes it is nice to be able to kick back and relax a little, but others it feels like I want growth.
I have been saying for a while that I don’t have enough time. I am a pretty busy person with a lot of commitments and a lot of balls in the air so this is not news to anyone who is close to me. Obviously because I have two lives in a sense – one the working professional, mum part and the other blogging and running the chat site, not everyone is aware of just why time is such an issue, but I think they all see from the parts they know that I am strapped.
What I have become aware of, is that I am not always in a submissive mindset. When we spoke about it at the weekend, I realised that this was to do with time, or at least to do with my perception that I didn’t have enough of it. I have always managed my own decisions with regards to work. I have a time to be home and various rules around bringing work back. There are things that I have to do during the day while I am there, but these are more about being respectful and acknowledging HL as my Dominant. During the working day, I am not thinking submissively for the most part.
When I come home, there are rituals in place to help us both transition, but recently this has become an easy part of what we do. I have perfected the art of compartmentalising work from home and slip quickly into the routines of the house. I have realised that because I feel I am short of time, I have taken control of the time I have at home. I have been allowed to manage it to do the things that I want to do and I have become somewhat protective of it. I have felt myself becoming irritated when something unpredictable happens, and I don’t always want to stop what I have planned to bend to HL’s will.
This is not submission of course. Yes I still look as if I am submitting because I do what he has asked, but really I am only giving what it suits me to give on my own terms. So we spoke a bit more and I thought a bit harder. Giving my time willingly to HL is an important part of what we do. I have agreed to be his, as and when he wants me, so to be unavailable on the deepest level is not really an option. Apart from anything, I want to enjoy the things that he suggests; I don’t want to feel that there isn’t enough time for them and worry about how I am going to catch up.
Clearly we can’t make more time for me but I realised that what I really need is to submit my time. If he controls all time then there will be nothing for me to protect for myself. I trust, of course, that he will give me time to do the things I need to do, so that is not an issue. What it will mean is that subconsciously I am in a state where I am on receive rather than being absorbed in my own little world. I hope that this will mean that I am more receptive to submitting fully and quickly, even when it is not expected. I used to be in that place, but somehow have slipped from it.
I am not resistant and do follow instructions and commands, but inside not all of my thoughts are in line with the way I am responding. I would like to be more attuned and to be able to find the right sort of response, even if only in my head. I want to get back to feeling the freedom that submission can give me. True when I do something with him I always enjoy it, but in that split second there is something that holds me back, so I hope that submitting my time will help me past that.
I have known for a long time that when I feel under pressure, I plan and organise and control the things I can. What I had not seen was that the feeling of not having enough time had led me to feel this about the time I have at home. What has happened now is that the time at home has been marked off into blocks. The regular things are written in to the plan, and there are other times when I will be given a slot for certain things, or a free space to do something that I choose.
We will talk on a Sunday about the plans in place for the week ahead, and also for the things that we would each like to achieve. HL will then put something together and will let me know how things are going to look. So far it has worked really well, although we are only a few days in. I have come home feeling more relaxed and more attentive, more submissive if you will. It helps me not to have control of things; control is my default response to stress but it does not actually appease it. To surrender the most basic of things actually frees me from the hold they have over me.