We had a conversation today about non-monogamy and playing with others. We didn’t start out to talk about this topic but it came up in a way as things tend to. I guess it must have been on the mind of one or other of us. Probably HL as it was him who brought it up but it is something that I have thought about. It feels odd to be honest. It is all purely hypothetical as we have no plans to play with others, we have not been approached recently by anyone who wanted to, and quite frankly, we wouldn’t know where to start. I wonder if the fact that the odds of the right situation presenting itself are slim, means that we can discuss it freely without it being something that feels anything more than hypothetical.
The conversation today took a bit of a turn because essentially, we are not at the same point as each other and that led to us discussing boundaries and when to push them. There is an element of this which in confusing to me and to HL. I tend to argue myself out of the things that worry me. Sometimes I will do this when really, the best thing for me to do would be to receive a push in the right direction. Outdoor photography would be an example of this. However, other times, there are genuine reasons that mean it would be better for me not to do whatever it is. This makes it hard for me as I can’t always tell. Initially HL listened to my arguments and didn’t push me past them, but since I have been more open about what I tend to do, he has wanted to manage things differently.
Sometimes I know when I am stalling and others I am less sure. This is one of those times when I am less sure. It is difficult because I have never seen myself as anything but monogamous. Getting to know people who were polyamorous and finding out more about their dynamics has certainly meant that I see how well it can work for some people, but I don’t know if I am one of them. These sort of discussions are good in that they always throw up more questions than they answer and I think this is a good way of finding out where you are both at. Thinking yourself into a situation and sitting with that a while to see how it feels, is probably the first stage to trying something new which you are unsure about.
What transpired was that HL saw playing with others as me being played with by others under his direction. He would probably be part of that situation in an active way too but that is essentially where his fantasies begin. This raised lots of questions for me and now I look at why they arose, I see a lot of it is to do with trust. Not whether or not I trust him in a monogamous sense, but where I trust him to know what I want from the situation. Would he know how I am feeling, would he be able to read the signals, would he check in enough so that he didn’t become carried away with the experience and lead me down a path I was not comfortable with?
Other questions are to do with my own insecurities. I have never been good at saying no and am often carried along by the events of the day. Being submissive sexually has meant that I am happy for others to take the lead but I have not always been with someone who thought carefully and understood what I wanted. What would any potential ‘others’ expect in return? Is that the sort of thing you lay down clearly at the start? A bigger fear than the fact that I might do something not because I wanted to but because I felt I had to reciprocate, is what would happen if I didn’t like it and didn’t get turned on by it. How would that feel and would I cope with that level of embarrassment? Would it ruin friendships or relationships with those concerned?
I suppose my biggest fear would be that I would be a disappointment, to HL and/or to anyone else. I worry that I would get it wrong, or not be any good, or simply not be sexy. What people think of me matters to me and so I would not like to put myself, or be put, in a situation where someone who’s opinion I valued, saw me in a negative light. I am not confident or self-assured. I am vulnerable to the judgement of others and so I tend to avoid situations where that will happen. I stay in the background and don’t put myself out there. If I go with the flow, it is usually someone else’s flow and unless I am extremely comfortable with them, I will struggle to initiate things.
I think that perhaps writing this has given me some of my answers. I can see that I am avoiding to some extent. It is also important that this is HL’s fantasy and not mine. He is the driver with it and so I think it is right to talk at length so that we both know where we would be with it. I expect that, as I said at the start, it is all academic as we do not have any plans for such things to happen. I like where this relationship takes us though, in that nothing is ever off the table for discussion. It has certainly let me think myself into situations and to imagine myself doing things which I would have just dismissed before, and whatever happens, I think that is a good thing.
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