Non monogamy

Non Monogamy and Playing with Others

We had a conversation today about non-monogamy and playing with others. We didn’t start out to talk about this topic but it came up in a way as things tend to. I guess it must have been on the mind of one or other of us. Probably HL as it was him who brought it up but it is something that I have thought about. It feels odd to be honest. It is all purely hypothetical as we have no plans to play with others, we have not been approached recently by anyone who wanted to, and quite frankly, we wouldn’t know where to start. I wonder if the fact that the odds of the right situation presenting itself are slim, means that we can discuss it freely without it being something that feels anything more than hypothetical.

The conversation today took a bit of a turn because essentially, we are not at the same point as each other and that led to us discussing boundaries and when to push them. There is an element of this which in confusing to me and to HL. I tend to argue myself out of the things that worry me. Sometimes I will do this when really, the best thing for me to do would be to receive a push in the right direction. Outdoor photography would be an example of this. However, other times, there are genuine reasons that mean it would be better for me not to do whatever it is. This makes it hard for me as I can’t always tell. Initially HL listened to my arguments and didn’t push me past them, but since I have been more open about what I tend to do, he has wanted to manage things differently.

Sometimes I know when I am stalling and others I am less sure. This is one of those times when I am less sure. It is difficult because I have never seen myself as anything but monogamous. Getting to know people who were polyamorous and finding out more about their dynamics has certainly meant that I see how well it can work for some people, but I don’t know if I am one of them. These sort of discussions are good in that they always throw up more questions than they answer and I think this is a good way of finding out where you are both at. Thinking yourself into a situation and sitting with that a while to see how it feels, is probably the first stage to trying something new which you are unsure about.

What transpired was that HL saw playing with others as me being played with by others under his direction. He would probably be part of that situation in an active way too but that is essentially where his fantasies begin. This raised lots of questions for me and now I look at why they arose, I see a lot of it is to do with trust. Not whether or not I trust him in a monogamous sense, but where I trust him to know what I want from the situation. Would he know how I am feeling, would he be able to read the signals, would he check in enough so that he didn’t become carried away with the experience and lead me down a path I was not comfortable with?

Other questions are to do with my own insecurities. I have never been good at saying no and am often carried along by the events of the day. Being submissive sexually has meant that I am happy for others to take the lead but I have not always been with someone who thought carefully and understood what I wanted. What would any potential ‘others’ expect in return? Is that the sort of thing you lay down clearly at the start? A bigger fear than the fact that I might do something not because I wanted to but because I felt I had to reciprocate, is what would happen if I didn’t like it and didn’t get turned on by it. How would that feel and would I cope with that level of embarrassment? Would it ruin friendships or relationships with those concerned?

I suppose my biggest fear would be that I would be a disappointment, to HL and/or to anyone else. I worry that I would get it wrong, or not be any good, or simply not be sexy. What people think of me matters to me and so I would not like to put myself, or be put, in a situation where someone who’s opinion I valued, saw me in a negative light. I am not confident or self-assured. I am vulnerable to the judgement of others and so I tend to avoid situations where that will happen. I stay in the background and don’t put myself out there. If I go with the flow, it is usually someone else’s flow and unless I am extremely comfortable with them, I will struggle to initiate things.

I think that perhaps writing this has given me some of my answers. I can see that I am avoiding to some extent. It is also important that this is HL’s fantasy and not mine. He is the driver with it and so I think it is right to talk at length so that we both know where we would be with it. I expect that, as I said at the start, it is all academic as we do not have any plans for such things to happen. I like where this relationship takes us though, in that nothing is ever off the table for discussion. It has certainly let me think myself into situations and to imagine myself doing things which I would have just dismissed before, and whatever happens, I think that is a good thing.

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  1. I am very unsure how I feel about this. I feel differently depending on the couple situation and their dynamic. I am pretty sure I am way toooo selfish to share. I also feel it is a very slippery slope for some, others not so much. I know not at all for me at this point in my life, It is just not a place I care to visit, in my mind, it would be fine, in RL not so much. I give to Lee and have no desire to give to anyone else if that makes any sense. I understand those that do “share with others” I understand what each receives from sharing, I commend them on being able to do what they choose and care less of others thoughts. I respect those that live their true life and what works for them.

    • Yes I do understand what you mean. As you can tell from my post I am also unsure. I am happy to think about it as it is something he has raised but it would require much more thought and discussion. Thank you for adding your own thoughts here honey ?

  2. How brave of you to discuss this curiosity in open!
    We’ve had a couple of these experiences. Once early in life, and once again more recently. (Both before D/s) There are so many important discussions to have, and you are certainly on the right path.
    We are currently in different places on it, and since we always play to the most reserved of us, regardless of who it is, it won’t happen again for a while.
    The right ‘other(s)’ is also very important to consider. They will have their own desires, fears, and willingness to follow others orders.
    All the best of luck in determining your next step!

    • I don’t think we will be stepping anywhere with it soon lol. I appreciate you adding your thoughts, especially as you speak from your own experience. As for bravery I don’t think it’s that. Just part of the way things are with us I guess. Discussion about direction is something we talk about regularly and we find it is helpful. Thank you ?

  3. We (Daddy and I) have been talking a lot about this topic lately so your post is very timely for me. We are currently getting to know a sub girl who will be sub to both of us. He already has a vanilla girlfriend also. We are also in the process of establishing rules for playing with others. We can’t seem to firm anything up though.

    We both struggle between not wanting to hold the other back from experiences and our feelings of insecurities. I’m not sure where we will land on things in the end but I’m pretty sure it will be some form of plot arrangement (weather that be open or closed is the question).

    In all this I’ve come to realize poly is not easy! Some make it look that way but it’s definitely not.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspective missy! Xo

    • It sounds like there has been a lot of change for you and I can believe that poly is not easy. My feeling is that we will remain in the talking about and thinking about stage and perhaps try to incorporate that in a role play type way. Of course I think if you are open to something and an opportunity that feels right presents itself, that can shift things. Thank you for sharing your thoughts ?

  4. This is so complicated! Being pushed in a boundary like physical pain or nude pictures is (I believe) on a completely different level from leaving monogamy. No judgment on those who are polyamorous! But for those who haven’t left that boundary, this is something you can’t undo. The nude pics can be destroyed and the spanking can be not repeated, but once we’ve played with others, it’s a new world. And the fantasies in our heads don’t prepare us for what it will truly do to our emotions. Again, this is easy for some and they may play with others. But for others, this can be a hurt to the marriage. So I don’t think this fits in the normal “dominant pushing a sub” domain. For a currently monagamous married D/s couple (as we are also), I think this is a marriage question first and a D/s question second. Definitely something good to talk about at length and not just go from fantasy to action lightly!

    • Yes I agree with you. I felt it was important to reflect the conversation as we have ended up talking about and thinking about things we never really thought we would. I agree that this doesn’t mean we will necessarily do them. I also think there are levels to it. Someone else being involved in aspects of play such as spanking and impact would be a different thing to me than a full blown sexual encounter. Being objectified to some extent would also be something that could lend itself to others playing a part. I don’t think either of us are thinking that we would move towards an open marriage, more just talking through our thoughts.

      • I understand and agree Missy. I too would be open to, and most likely enjoy, being objectified, humiliated, spanked, etc. in front of, or by the hand of others. Somehow, at least in my mind, this is a very separate activity from sexual activity which is something Queen and I keep exclusively for ourselves. (Secretly, I’d love for someone else to be able to watch our weekly maintenance session…and maybe even be given a chance to help my Queen out!!)

  5. I know this is something that has been discussed before and I can understand the hesitation. I also know that HL and you are wise enough to know that (as others have already said) fantasy is one thing and reality something entirely different!

    I think HL said when we visited and this topic came up that some things are best left as fantasy and this may be one.

    I know MrH will not tolerate someone touching me, I am his. I don’t want him to play with anyone else, it’s one of my nightmares.

    I am sure however that discussion is always good and it’s interesting to see how you acknowledge being in different places with this topic.

    • I know when we spoke that you were both aligned in terms of how you felt and it was a clear no for both of you. For us it is a bit more fluid and there are some things that HL would like to experience so it comes back to the table as it were. Not that there is ever any pressure but it is more often revisited as it is not closed if that makes sense. ?

  6. My Queen and I fantasize about others being involved in our play. We have talked about the reality and I think it unlikely as we both have reservations about it. We have such a special relationship that we don’t want to risk it. And our fantasies are similar but feature very key differences. I fantasize about unknown people who may have a distinct body type but I seldom see faces. My Queen fantasizes about people she knows/has seen and is attracted to. I have difficulty imagining people we know in my fantasies.
    Fantasies are always perfect! Reality is always throwing things into turmoil!
    However playing in front of others is a whole different thing! ?

    • Yes I think you are right and we sound similar. It has been a good topic for generating discussion though which has surprised me. Lots of thoughts about it.

  7. Brave post Missy – When my man and I were first together, it was more casual than it is now – 1997 – we were both seeing others at the same time and were open with each other about this. But that was different again as we were not having couple play or threesomes.
    There are so many good things to read in our community about this – people to ask advice from – you are certainly in the right place 😉 – my man fantasies about me being fucked by someone while sucking his cock – I have my own mind play regarding him and others – we do tell each other about this – provides dirty talk during sexual activity – but personally I do not think I am secure enough yet for these to be anything else apart from stories in our heads xx

    • I think the place I am at may be similar but perhaps HL is further along. I suppose I come back to the thought that once you are thinking more openly about things, opportunities sometimes present themselves. I am definitely cautious and would not jump into something without thinking and talking about it fully. I also think sometimes that aspects of BDSM play can lend themselves to things which have a sexual charge but are not actually sexual in themselves. That might be the point to start with if it were to happen. ?

  8. It took me quite some time to get used to the idea that Master T wanted to see me with others. I thought our marriage might suffer or he might get jealous even though he wanted it in the first place. And of course, my insecurities played up too. The one thing that pulled me over the line eventually was that we have one ground rule: we are always together. I will never walk off with someone else. If something happens with or to me, Master T is always there.

    Rebel xox

    • It is interesting to hear of other experiences and I am pleased to know that it worked well for you. I think if we did decide on something then I am lucky to have so many people to ask for advice from. Thank you. ?

  9. Talking and talking some more is the right place to start in this kind of situation. In fact, when you think you’ve talked all you can, talk another several months about it. We talked, read a book together, and chatted with others in different types of open marriages. It still isn’t the same as we expected, but the insecurity was abated a lot and our comfort with it is good. I have friends that are primarily swingers and the wife doesn’t want him to have the same partner all the time. We found out that I’m more comfortable with friends who we love. I think it can be disastrous or it can be amazing. But I’ll also say that it can be both at the same time. Communication can’t ever stop. It’s the cornerstone of any play and especially this kind that is so open to vulnerability. As you know, I’ll always share any of my experiences.

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