Look for the Bare Accessories

I was reflecting at the weekend on accessories and the part they can have in locating or keeping the right mindset for play. This was not due to anything particularly profound, but more mundanely down to the fact that I wrote a post on Accessories and Mindset for The SafeworD/s Club. This was really the precursor to a chat we held last night on the same topic, where it became clear that despite knowing the importance and effect, the theory if you will, most of us were not instilling the required effort to utilise these great tools of the trade. (Please see the above post for practical suggestions, rather than this one which is more a reflection of where we are with it at the moment.)

I think that for some reason HL and I are often guilty if this too. It was actually something we thought would never happen to us, as we looked scathingly at those other couples who no longer made the effort! And it is hard to acknowledge even to myself that we may have fallen slightly into this trap. Blogging friends excepted, we have the most exciting sex life of anyone I know. AND we are totally into each other. So why do we end up sometimes taking the shortcut to happiness? And is that really ok?

I suppose that really life is very busy. Should it be too busy to lay out some gloves and a butt plug for play? Of course not, but experience has proved that the gloves and butt plug alone will not blow the mind, so after carefully laying the groundwork, it would require a further plan for a show where the gloves and the butt plug continued to play a key role. Otherwise what is the point? How effectively they create a delicious auto-suggestion of circumstance makes them either a fading threat or a tarnished promise.

Anyway, when you have reached a point where you can achieve mind blowing without planning to that degree, then where’s the incentive not to take the short cut? I have found the same myself at work where I have perfected the art of winging it and it has allowed the quality of my lessons to relax into a comfortable place where my personality gets me through. Sometimes I think that this is a bit like where we lie now in terms of the play and the kink that we get up to.

It is nice in a marriage to be able to feel this. To be familiar enough and comfortable enough and close enough just to go with the flow, knowing that it will be a real connector for us both. But we still yearn for the excitement of the new and the unexpected. We still are drawn to push boundaries and experiment. We love the thrill of the unpredictable which leaves us nothing to reach for except each other and the way that we spark off each other. So really, we should think a little harder sometimes.

Writing about D/s has always been good for me for this reason. Talking to others means that I reflect on what I know and have learnt, and then I can apply that to my practise. HL and I spoke after the chat and acknowledged the fact that we have not always been making the most of what we have, and that is ok. As long as the other times are there too, I think that the balance is workable and allows us to get the best of both worlds, our public and our private one.

Thinking and talking about accessories and mindset, we have remembered all the things we have that we could take further on the journey with us. The items of high protocol play, the accessories we pack for weekends away which are sexy and suggestive. The sort of props that many would love to own and the things which hold special memories that we can easily tap into. The sensory power of scent and sight which can change the direction of the mind.

So happily we have planned to turn things around a little and work harder to think about what we use to accessorise our minds for play so that we are really feeling as deeply in that space from the beginning as we can be. By taking what looks like the easy route we have probably been missing a very effective short cut to getting each other exactly where we need to be. I think that part of our issue has been the practicalities of a life which doesn’t leave much time for the private but I feel an episode of power play coming on.

What we need to do for a while, I think, is to make every detail count. Get back to the basics where planning was everything and the only way to ensure things went right. To a time when there was no coming back easily and so winging it was not an option. Perhaps experience and an increased confidence has made us a little lazy and let us take things for granted. And so if we fall back on what we know, and apply what we have learnt, imagine how incredible that could be!


If you are reading this and have thoughts about submission, then please check out our D/s writing prompt at Tell Me About …. We would love you to take part.


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  1. It is really interesting to think about how we accessorize the body, in order to accessorize the mind. It is an important part of the process.
    Thanks for the discussion!

  2. Another great post, loving the work on the title ☺. I think as long acknowledge there is more that can be done and explored it doesn’t matter so much that you have your usual play.

  3. I can very much relate to this, on the work and personal front and think time is the factor, when the novelty of those early days/years even wears off. I think being mindful is the important thing, and doing what can be done when and where, rather than being blindly unaware is vital. You’ve got that, but it always helps to revisit xx

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