Submission and how it works for me

I have written a lot on this blog about submission. That is not surprising as my blog is essentially an account of my life as a submissive wife. It is about the love, the kink and the connection and that is what submission gives me. I could have the love without it, I could have the kink without it, but I know that I would never get the connection without it and that without that, the other two would not run as deeply within me as they do. That being said, I have made no secret of the fact that submission does not always come easily to me. That something you want so much should be so hard to give seems ironic in a sense, but my postulation has led me to see that it is not only the way with submission, but also with the giving of control.

And I mention control because it is the key, not just to submission but to Dominance too as the giving and taking of control lies firmly at the heart of a power exchange relationship. While submission is about many things, for me control, is at the core. The are other key elements such as trust, openness and respect and these are crucial to build the foundations upon which I am able to relinquish that control. There are other factors, such as service, which help me to be in a place where want to give up control but at the end of the day, for me to be able to do it on terms other than my own, I must release every last shred of myself.

I have felt before that at many points what we wear is the face of submission. We have set the limits and operate well within those, so what I am talking about seeking here is a deeper level, a level where you are no longer on course, where you are no longer able to see your destination. And I know that in order to be there I must pass through the state of being which scares me most, and that is to be out of control. It is not about allowing someone to do things to you that you want them to do, it is about allowing them to do what they want to do, trusting them that it will be right for you and getting to the point where you lose the desire or the need to have any say over it.

For me, that level of submission can not be given. Try as I might, I cannot give what really frightens me, and to be in that state where I am out of control does really scare me. I can tolerate the thought before it, I can enjoy the freedom when I have passed through it but at that moment, I will fight it. I cannot peel back those layers I have built as protection over so many years any further than I have already. I can tell him about them, I can show him how he could remove them, but when it comes to the crunch, I will hold on to what has kept me safe despite wanting to let that go. The letting go is key to really growing in submission and although I firmly believe that you can reach an equilibrium where it works in a delightful way, I don’t think this is what true submission is about.

Giving what you are able to give is something, but it will not be everything. The sort of submission I want pushes past what I want or what I can put into words. Past even what I can imagine, to a place where I move towards giving everything and giving what is yet unknown. This is not an easy thing to explain and I know that not everyone views it this way, but for me complete submission is not about obeying rules without question or about providing a service or about having someone support me to push at boundaries I have identified as being moveable. It is about going beyond that to a place where none of that matters anymore. Going past myself in a conscious sense.

I suppose we all do this in different ways but for me it would take letting go of the controls and restraints I place upon myself which make me safe. Caring only about him in its completest form rather than caring about him through being me. That is what I now see as complete submission for me and while I am his submissive now and I do submit to him and live a submissive lifestyle, I see this complete submission as moving to a deeper level. I want to give everything but I need that to be taken from me. I fight to cling on to what I know is part of that and without Dominance I will not be able to push past it. So while submission comes easily to me on some levels, to be able to grow rather than just continue to practice what I am doing now, will take Dominance.

I had not realised at the beginning that this was the case and had seen myself becoming a ‘better’ submissive as time went on. I had imagined I could become more obedient, less challenging and that ultimately my thinking would become submissive. That was how I saw the growth working rather than the way I see it working for me now. And I suppose that is because there are many different forms of submission and it works differently for everyone. The traditional picture that I aspired to become is not the one that is right for me. If I could, perhaps I would, but I don’t think it would really make me, or HL happy.

I can see myself getting clearer about my submission through the writing I have done and I feel that I am getting closer to there being another shift. This feels exciting as well as frightening as it will mean me giving up more of the control that has become such an integral part of who I have become and how I manage my world. I am happy for this as I trust HisLordship and I want to experience what will come from this shift. I also know that it’s not enough wanting to experience it and that I will need a huge push to really let go. I think when the time is right we will know and it will happen as naturally as the other shifts have happened to date. So in writing about submission I have to acknowledge that it is not one static thing but is something that will change and grow as you change and grow along with it.


Tell Me About … submission #1

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Here are a few of my other posts about submission:
Shifting Limits
What is your ideal view of my submission?
Warrior Princess
The Faces of my Submission
A Need for Submission
Going Deeper
Submissive Plateau?
Path to the Summit?
Lifestyle Submissive

Posted in Projects, Submissive Musings, Tell Me About ... and tagged , , , , .


  1. I agree and relate to so much of what you have said. I first Dom and I were friends first. We had a great relationship and then became lovers. He brought me slowly and carefully into the D/s relationship and the trust and connection was so much deeper than anything I had ever experienced. It ended very quickly and I am fearful that I will never find that kind of connection again. Like you said, having the typical love and respect relationship is great, but being able to submit to someone takes it to a deeper level. Giving up control on all things has never been difficult for me. But he left me quickly and without warning so now I am even more hesitant to submit to someone in any way. Thank you for so beautifully expressing your thoughts on this.

    • I can see that would be very hard. I am fortunate to have built this into our marriage so we have learnt together and already had a lot of the trust. I can give control of things more easily but I find it hard to give up my self control and not hold on to some of the things that I feel I have to do if that makes sense. Thank you for sharing what you have here and for such a detailed comment ?

    • That is so true. And sometimes there is a period of settling while you reach the place where you are ready to make another leap I think. ?

  2. I read this and immediately want to rewrite mine! It’s a good job I posted it before I read yours!

    What a brilliant, informative and insightful post to start the “Tell me About” prompt.

    • That is so funny as I read yours this morning and felt that I had overthought mine! It is great that we can have different approaches all within the same collection as I think it is helpful for us to see where others are coming from and also a good resource for those looking for information. Thank you for taking part and sharing your writing as part of the prompt ?

  3. I love to read the thoughts of other submissive on this topic. It is such a personal thing and a real journey, perhaps without end. Xx

  4. On reflection, the path we followed as Dom and sub were traditional. We had to follow a blue print, like a map, to show us the way. As missy’s post reveals, the map that is now being followed is drawn by us and the exciting part is sometimes getting a bit lost finding your own way.

    • HL ~ Just an FYI, I left a comment on your post about this topic, but I think it may have gone to spam. (Or maybe the internet ate it?) If it got lost somewhere, will you let me know? I was particularly curious about your perspective re: her submission giving you a voice.

      ~ Feve

  5. Very interesting reading, but I must admit I find it hard to understand concretely, and I wonder if you can envision yourself what you want the end state to look like? On one hand you seem very happy (the whole premise of your blog and even this post at the beginning) — love, kink, connection.. You may need to be pushed to the next level (I get that), but to where do you want to be pushed? More master/slave-like (not to use labels) with fewer limits than today? More intense or extreme play? Particular things where you retain control currently but wish to agree to change that ? (Your husband already has final word in your household, I believe, which seems pretty controlled already. 🙂 ) Does it somehow feel to “pretend” today and you want it to feel more real, such as by not retaining a safeword?

    As a fascinated but vanilla reader, or perhaps simply because you have left this in very general terms, it is hard to really see where you want to go — assuming that you yourself know! I have read many of your posts but I guess. On one hand you seem so happy, but there is a sense of a further itch here… Thanks!

    • Thank you for such a detailed response Gary.

      I am not sure I do really know myself what it would look like. I don’t think moving towards a more M/s type dynamic would suit us at the moment and, as you say, HL’s word is already final in most of the home type situations. Essentially I need to feel I am in control to feel safe so where there is a gap, I will fill it. This hampers my letting go to an extent and I think this happens if I feel that I am being pushed into uncertain territory. I know that HL will keep me safe so what I need to do is to go with it, even when I am scared.

      However, once I start to feel myself losing control, I will naturally push back. I suppose that as brilliant as it all is, I do wonder what is on the other side. If I were to let go of myself completely and respond in a ‘feel not think’ sort of way, what would happen? I do this in types of play where I am comfortable, but really that is sort of on my terms – I like this so it’s ok. I want to be where I am squirming but to go past it to where I have nothing to lose. Does that make any sense?

      I did worry that this post would seem overthought but it represents the place I am at now. I have grown a lot but don’t feel I am at the end of that. It has gone in fits and starts and every now and then the gear shifts a bit. I suppose I feel that shift in wanting to be pushed further but not really knowing where that will take me. I am really pleased that you asked me to clarify though ?

  6. Thanks for reply, it just sounds that you wish you could lose your natural fear or caution to new and potentially genuinely scary things. If HL gets you there anyway but slowly, that seems good to me rather than bad — you get there eventually and can try new things, plugging the “control gap” over time. The fact that you can go to these places anyway, even if you retain a (to me) natural reluctance means you trust him but just can’t go that fast. The fact that you have some fears or reluctance just makes you human and the final state of getting where you ultimately want to be even sweeter. It reminds me of being scared to jump into cold-ish water as a kid, but liking it after a friend cajoled me. On the other hand, a swim instructor separately threw me off the (low) diving board when I was scared to jump from it. It was not scary after it happened, but I remained upset that he had pushed me in the first time and I was never too fond of him after that. (I could swim fine of course). Not sure if those analogies apply, but be careful before getting thrown in vs cajoled. I am sure you have considered these thoughts already, but just adding my two cents.

    • Yes that is helpful. Thank you. It’s more that I am at the point where I want to be pushed but I won’t ask and I try to avoid it.

  7. “…we wear the face of submission.” Do I ever feel that resonating. What a thought provoking post, Missy. I’ve read it twice now and it still brings something new to my mind. Even thought no one sees my submission in my life, because they don’t realize it exists, I know the times I’m wearing it versus living it. The longer we live this way, the more it feels like a skin instead of an action not will I engage. Lots to think about.

    • Thanks Angel. I am interested and pleased that you took something from it. I think that you and I are similar in terms of fighting it at times. It definitely needs to be taken for me. It would be great if you would write a post for the prompt too as I think there are lots of people who would enjoy reading your thoughts. ?

      • I’m thinking about writing on this one after reading several of the posts from it. I feel fortunate that I don’t need control taken from me, in one sense, but I am intrigued by your musings about holding on to it by giving my submission boundaries.

  8. Fantastic Missy! “It is not about allowing someone to do things to you that you want them to do, it is about allowing them to do what they want to do…” and you’re so right that this can’t just be given, it must be taken.

    This brings up the debate that the sub us truly always in charge since they can always say they’ve hit a limit or use a safe word. But as a sub, I’ve always argued back that if a sub keeps doing that it destroys the very dynamic they seek. It will cost them everything they hold dear…if in fact they are truly submissive and not just wanting a kink for a short time!

    I think at the end of the day, what every sub wants most is what they equally fear most…loss of control. Having to be vulnerable and trust another. Nothing can be truly scarier, but nothing can be more fulfilling for a sub. Having a dominant that you can trust to take that control is…well, the foundation of a most amazing relationship.

    • Thank you QH. I don’t think I saw it like that initially but am coming to do so more as I become more comfortable with the way it works xx

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