love, lust and living with the man of my dreams

Love, Lust and Living with the Man of my Dreams

There are always those who say that it is a different thing to love someone than to be in love. For a time I would have said that was true, but this is no longer that time.  I had thought this to be true previously because the passion and the heat seemed to go out of a relationship when it had been running a while. I still loved that person but it wasn’t the love of my dreams. There wasn’t the fire that drove me lustily into his arms each time. It is interesting that this happened and that the familiarity gave way to something deeper in one way but more surface in another.

When I met the man of my dreams, I had given up all hope of having the two running side by side for the long game. In fact, I had given up meeting the man of my dreams because he was resigned to the fiction novels along with the belief that I could remain in love whilst loving someone who had seen the real me, warts and all. So when I met him, I didn’t realise what was happening to me. I didn’t even know then that he would become the man of my dreams, as I had pretty much stopped dreaming of such things. So how did it come to pass? How did I become the woman who truly has it all?

We found a way of keeping that fire and that passion, past the point where the inside of my knicker drawer had been well and truly exposed. We found a way to excite each other, whilst loving each other with a familiarity that supported the excitement rather than making it ineffective. We built a dynamic which allowed us to enjoy the parts of us that had originally attracted us to each other without allowing life to get in the way of that.  Basically we took all the things that had not worked in previous relationship and put things in place to stop this from happening again.

Without knowing anything about Dominant submissive lifestyle relationships, we agreed that we would be different together. We recognised in ourselves a tendency to stop putting in the effort and to be drawn into a tit-for-tat sort of situation with previous partners. Knowing that this sort of selfishness meant that you were unlikely to meet the needs of the other, and that ultimately this could result in a distance growing between you, we decided on a policy of all needs (within reason) being met. A request would not be denied unless there was a good reason for it.

Now at this point we were not Dom and sub so our roles were not clearly defined. What transpired really was that I had more in the way of emotional needs and that HL’s requests were more of the physical kind. When my emotional needs were met, I was horny for the physical connection and from the embracing of his physical advances, he felt emotionally closer to me, so it was a win-win situation for us both. So really we came to D/s from the inside out, rather than from the outside in. I have spoken to others whose nature lends itself to the dynamic in this way and who claim, for this reason, that they were always D/s.

I would disagree and say that this is bollocks and that there is much more to living the dynamic full-time than simply having that sort of feel about some of the things that you do. Mind you, I am not one to say that my way is the right way so if that is what works for them, who am I to judge. For us, this sort of arrangement was not sustainable without a more formal set up than we had. It was good in theory, but in practice we fell foul of the fact that life got in the way and we resorted to old methods.

This is not surprising as the brain is wired to fall back on familiar behaviours and so for this reason, it can be hard to stick to something new. The discovery of the words for what we were feeling led, for us, to a discovery of how to remain in love with each other in a truly, madly, deeply sort of way. It is everything and more. It is not just the stuff of my dreams, but beyond what I dreamt I could have. I am in my very late 40s and have never felt sexier or more desired than I do right now. I am more sexually adventurous than I have been able to be before and see no reasonable reason that this should change as I embrace my 50s.

Aside of that, I am more deeply in love than I have ever been. This man is my rock, he is my guide, he is my protector and my supporter. He pushes me to places I didn’t know that I wanted to go and is there to celebrate with me as I arrive. We are so closely linked and so intricately entwined that as I fall asleep in his arms, it feels that we are one. We share our emotions and desires and in doing so we each feel understood and validated by the other. Without really knowing what I wanted, I have found just that and have love, lust and the man of my dreams.

To read more about establishing a D/s Dynamic, please check out my Useful Posts Page.
Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , .


  1. Well, they don’t have a “love it” or “incredible” button, so I just clicked on “like it.” Know that I adore this post. I am so happy for you! I think it’s a wonderful testimony how a D/s relationship can cut through a lot of the constraints and limitations that tend to strangle traditional marriages. (I well know, I’ve been in both.) I am thrilled by your comment, “There is much more to living the dynamic full-time than simply having that sort of feel about some of the things that you do.” I agree. Which is not to diminish some people’s experiences of BDSM and D/s — it’s all good. But living in it full-time is a completely different and richer and deeper experience. This is so beautifully written. Thank you!!!

  2. The world became incomprehensible for a while after I stopped comparing myself to other guys, especially hypothetical ones.

    Now, none of the usual lot make sense anymore, but I have a girl who appreciates my erotic horror adventures and gives me highly detailed critiques on my musicianship. When she treated strangers with kindness, I was sold. When she stuck her tongue out at me, point of no return.

  3. I completely agree. D/s has certainly meant MrH and I refocused on our relationship and each other’s needs. We have communicated and loved more honestly since we started than ever and it’s done us the world of good.

  4. Really well said Missy! This is exactly what we are experiencing as we go deeper with D/s in our marriage. All the selfishness and pettiness that has caused so many fights and kept our focus on self-defense, has been (and is being) replaced by meeting the other’s needs, vulnerability and trust. The defined roles and expectations help keep the old ways in check. And the result is exactly what you wrote, we fall “in love” with the person we may have may have grown to “just love”.

  5. Sir and i have just begun this journey together after 10 years of marriage, but we have connected more on so many levels in this short amount of time than we have in most of our total 23 years together (we are high school sweethearts). Our biggest fear is that we will fall back into our very familiar habits. Your journey has inspired me so much that this life can exist and flourish even when there is family and children involved. Thank you so much Missy for this blog!

  6. Ohhhhhhh so lovely Missy – you are both very lucky – (but him mainly as he has you) – only joking HL 😉 I think the added ingredient is chemistry – you really know when it is present and that helps you stay in-love while loving and caring too- just my opinion xx

    • Yes I think you are right May. And I also think learning from past mistakes has helped us do it better this time xx

  7. Having that connection where the chemistry is strong and it sometimes is hard to pinpoint exactly where one partner ends and the other starts is such a strong and special bond.

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