Play is a huge part of our relationship. Much of our connection is fuelled by the closeness that arises from our play sessions; I have never been played with as much as I have been since becoming a submissive and this is something that I love. It is sort of like an extended foreplay each time we connect sexually as there is usually a lot of build up and although most of our play is sexual, the final climax is not usually the focus of the play or the scene. HL will usually have a type of play as a focus or even the use of a particular toy or a technique that he wants to try out.
Initially I had expected that as a submissive my pleasure would be secondary as I would be working to fulfil his desires and fantasies. I suppose a natural assumption is that people want to experience the pleasure themselves, however, this is most definitely the least selfish relationship sexually that I have ever been in. HL derives his own pleasure through his control of me and the way that he can make my body work for him, so really it is a win win for me. As a sub, I am free just to lie back and let go, to take what he gives and what he does to a large extent. His wish really is my command and by the time he eventually lets me touch or suck or enjoy him, I am usually quite desperate for him.
It would be difficult if it was all one-sided, however, and he is someone who likes to be told and shown that he is desired and wanted on that level. I will ask for permission to worship his cock or to fulfil his fantasies or just to pamper and play with him for a while. Clearly he could say that this is not something he wants although I have to say that it doesn’t tend to work that way. As a Dom he is unlikely to last the whole time with me pleasuring him and usually it will become too much and he will flip me over and take me there and then which is also something that I love. It makes me feel strong, not as the leader of the relationship or the one in control, but as someone who has power in their sexiness.
I think it is a common misnomer that Dominant men see women as objects for their own pleasure. In reality I think that this is far from the truth and usually they are people who appreciate the beauty of the female form. This is certainly the case for us and while he likes to play with me and tease me, his aim is to make me feel adored and valued. I have written that D/s has made me sexy and also that it has made me beautiful and it really is the case that I would attribute the way that we play and how that has made me feel to a huge part of altering my body image in a positive way. It makes me feel feminine and that is something that is attractive for me personally.
Being able to play in this way sets me free. A lot of the time I am bogged down, not just in the stresses that I work through in my over active mind, but also by the way that life has layered up its defences and protection around me. In order to be able to fully let go and lose myself, I have to give up control, not just of my body but also of my mind and this is no mean feat. The play that we share tends to be pretty intense and consuming both on a psychological and emotional level and that is something that is strong enough to push my past my own boundaries and into his metaphorical arms.
In order to do this there has to be a huge level of trust and constant communication between us. As we are not just D/s in the bedroom, everything else that we are becomes part of this and the best play comes at times when we are very well connected emotionally and are in tune with one another and with each other’s needs. If we don’t keep talking on a deeper level, things will start to slip and our play won’t work quite as well as it would do otherwise. Having routines and structure in place really helps us with this as we have quite busy lives where it is easy for other things to push to the front if we don’t keep each other as our focus.
One thing that concerned me when we first started this dynamic was the formality that went along with D/s. I was concerned that I would lose some of myself to the role as I worked to become better at being submissive. I have always had a cheeky mischievous side and that was something that (I always thought) HL liked. When we talked about it this turned out to be the case and I was keen that our sub and Dom roles still left space for the more playful way that we spark off each other naturally. We have always laughed and shared the same sense of humour and it was important to us that was something that we could retain.
I think that we have relaxed a lot in that respect since the early days and we are much more able to slip in and out of the more playful sides of ourselves without causing any confusion or disrespect. Using roleplay where we can explore those other parts of ourselves has helped with this and so has embracing my more cheeky middle self. It is important to us to laugh and have fun and joke and play in ways which are non-sexual too. Ultimately this comes from feeling safe and secure and so it is something that has grown with our relationship. It is also something that is important not just to us but to the family dynamic which we enjoy.