Sometimes I feel a bit lost. It has been one of those times and I am not sure why I feel like this. I think it started when something happened to make me question how comfortable I was with this other part of my life becoming exposed and judged by others who I care about. It shook me. It knocked my confidence. And I am not sure that I have been able altogether to bounce back.
I am struggling a bit to resolve the two parts of me now that I can see how much they cause conflict with one another. To know me as one means that it is hard to understand my decisions and choices as another. I don’t want to be seen as a hypocrite but I think that can be the reality sometimes, especially by people who don’t see what I see about what lies underneath.
It has been easy to slip into this world where I am accepted and I had embraced that, pushing myself further and doing things which I would not initially have done. And I love that progress. I love that freedom. I really feel that in this environment I am able to express the inner me and celebrate who that person is. And in doing something I love I have allowed myself to feel a safety which isn’t necessarily there.
I am torn between continuing the way I have been and pulling back. The part of me that is scared sort of torments the other side, playing on the fears and forcing scenarios across the page. I hesitate when I have written something ready for publish and imagine those other eyes reading and not being able to see the reflection and the learning and the beauty. And that has made me sad. I feel like I have lost something, lost a part of me.
I also think that I am carrying guilt underneath which makes me vulnerable to judgement and I am not entirely sure how to deal with that or really where it has come from. I think it is part of the desire for approval that I so desperately want to shake, while at the same time trying to give it what it needs. It feels like a gap or a space or a part of the jigsaw that has not yet revealed itself to me and so I am somewhat in that dark as to how to manage it.
I want to not care. To throw caution away and feel confident and proud but somehow I am struggling to do that. I am pulled back to reality in a way that I have not been before but I don’t really want to be there. I want to be out and be bold about it. To say this is who I am, like it or not, but I am scared of the price, of the cost of losing people I care about, and the sickening feeling that the regret of that brings to the pit of my stomach when I think of it.
I feel that I have detached a little from the person I embraced before, not because I want to but because of my need to be safe. My need to protect the parts means hiding them behind the whole and that is bringing about a bit of a disconnect. I hope that soon I will be able to resolve this a bit. To get back or to move on or whatever it is that will make me feel more complete again.
I want to feel alive, to feel that vitality, and I want to feel like I have grown. Something about this has me stuck in the insecurities of the past that I thought I had moved on from and at my age I am a bit horrified at how vulnerable I still feel. Although I have talked about this with HisLordship I had not considered what happened as being a contributor to how I am feeling now. Hopefully now I will be able to start to work through things more effectively and get back to feeling more like myself.