Tomorrow HL and I head off to a cabin in the woods for a couple of days. The thought of being able to nurture the more primal side of us, which is so often put on hold due to circumstances and opportunity, is such a welcome thing. And yet I feel nervous which is not like me. It isn’t a bad nervous, more of an excited feeling, but there is an uncertainty about it which has made me pause to think about why that has come about. I want this, but I am sort of scared of it too.
While we play regularly at home and also spend time away together where we can indulge in the other parts of us, there is a comfortable familiarity about what we do now. Initially the apprehension of the unknown was there, whereas that has been replaced a bit with the anticipated excitement of what I know will come. The trust we have with each other means that the expectation that we will push physical and emotional boundaries is there, but so is the knowledge of what I will experience as a result. Essentially it is something that has become thrilling from the outset, rather than nerve wracking which then gives way to the thrill.
Usually the extended time we have to indulge in each other has been either at home in very familiar surroundings, in a hotel or apartment, or staying away while attending an event. While these opportunities all allow the closeness to grow, the places themselves are not pushing us to something new. I think that is what is different about this trip in that the setting is pushing us further from what we know and are used to and I feel something deep within myself shift in response to that.
Outside autumn is giving way to winter and the last of the leaves are being blown off the trees while berries replace flowers as the spots of colour. The elements are changing, and we will become part of that. The parts of me which hold me back and cling to control are the ones which are part of my other world, the one with things and people and clothes. I know that within me there is a part which responds easily to the natural instincts and that part is brought out by the way we interact with one another in a sexual sense. That is also the part that is usually tempered to fit in with surroundings which don’t allow for a real shedding of the skin and letting go of control.
Living in a very natural setting, where we cannot be heard and we cannot be seen, is filling me with a nervous excitement about what that might unleash. The time to be on our own together with no distractions from the real world, no phone, no social media, no electricity means that primal side will more likely come to the surface and that is thrilling as well as being unfamiliar in a sense. Letting go of the need for these things will encourage me to let go of the self control I keep to fit in with that other world. I wonder if relying on each other without those usual mechanisms of distraction will lead to new ground being broken and I think that is what is giving me this feeling of delicious unease.
Falling further into my submission is something I have written about before and you might like to read about previous thoughts here: Going Deeper