Picture of a cartoon mentor handing out lightbulbs

If the cap fits

Picture of a cartoon mentor handing out lightbulbs
You’ll learn from them – if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you.
J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

When I first asked my husband to be my Dominant, it was hard to find resources which would be helpful to us, let alone to find a mentor or someone to help us. Most of what I found was either fiction which, while full of imaginative ideas was not based on reality, or things which did not fit with a married relationship such as ours. Of course I now know that there is loads of great information our there, you just need to know where to look, but at the time it seemed somewhat elusive if not altogether non-existent. Where the play and kink aspects were concerned lots of good information seemed readily available but what we wanted help with was how to fit this sort of dynamic into the relationship we already had. And once we had done that, how to sustain it.

We learnt a lot from experience. We had to be determined as the stakes were high. We were bitten by the bug and didn’t want to sacrifice the intimacy and intensity we had found so we had to make it work. But when we got stuck we became unstuck – we both felt like we were failing at times and that meant that we did consider if it was right for us on more than one occasion. We did find an online community which helped but it turned out to be very prescriptive and was based on the fairy tale rather than the real thing. There is no point building a foundation on honesty and then kidding yourselves by fooling others, so we moved on.

We were fortunate by this point to have got through the first couple of years of formally living a D/s lifestyle full time, and coupled with the two before where we moved the dynamic in and out of the bedroom in a sort of stop-start motion, we had a much better idea of what we were doing. Success and failure are always such a great combination for learning! We had also made some good friends online who were in similar relationships to us and the support we got from that helped a lot.

So armed with our years of experience first of failure and then of success, we wandered in to the wonderful world of WordPress just over two years ago to share our story. What we hoped for was to meet others who we could share with and learn from, and also provide a resource which might help those who found themselves starting out in a similar dynamic. After a year, we opened our website so that we could reach a wider audience and connect through chat rather than just via comments. We have really enjoyed this as it has been helpful to us to share and we have learnt a lot from those we have met.

One of the best things for me about being online, is the ability to help and support others by sharing my own experience and knowledge. Whether it is via my blog or through the site, being able to act as a mentor to others is something that I really enjoy. I am continually surprised by the number of emails I get asking for advice as I have never set myself up as any sort of authority in anything. I think that being interested in people and passionate about the subject mean that helping others is not only something I enjoy but also something that is rewarding for me.

Although I have always been open to people contacting me to share their thoughts and exchange ideas, I have never used the term mentor. I thought about it the other day though and realised that perhaps that is what I am for some. The fact that one of my key pieces of advice to those starting out has always been to take what works for them and leave the rest, remembering that there is no one right way, means that I have sort of talked myself out of a job. However, at the same time telling them what I think means that I am saying, “Hey – I am here”.

I always think that the sex blogging world seems fairly altruistic and we each do the little that we can to help others. I hope that others do think that I have something to offer and I am happy to help out if I can.  It feels quite small as an offer really but I know it is the little things that make up the bigger picture. I have gained so much through my interactions with others and that has allowed me to reflect far more effectively than if I had been left to my own devices. What I do here and what we do at The SafeworD/s Club we do because it helps us, and any help that we can give to others in the process is just an added bonus.

Posted in Submissive Journal and tagged , , , .


  1. I couldn’t agree more with missy’s words. I have learnt far more from other Doms, and subs, when asked questions. Although advice is being sought, formulating a response does require some self reflection. On many occasions when I have hit a mental brick wall, missy will ask me what I would say to others, and again self reflection comes into play. I’m pleased to be part of a community that supports rather than feeds off it.

  2. I do think you are a mentor, missy, in that you’ve always been honest and forthright about how D/s is not roses and unicorns, but hard work, disappointment and often times, failure to launch. You’ve said from the beginning that this is what you’ve always wanted, but before HL, never considered it as a possibility. You serve as a ‘model’ for those submissives that need to be taken into submission and removed from the day-to-day trials by their Dominant in a loving yet forceful manner. “It’s for your own good” is definitely HL’s motto and he puts it to good use. The reason so many communicate with you both is because you ‘keep it real’ and don’t pretend life is just like social media. It’s not. Keep writing and sharing, missy, you’re the best sub on the Web. [Our in the web, if you’re into that kinda thing, not that I’m judging 😉 ]

    • Oh wow. That is so kind of you and really means a lot. I appreciate the support and feedback that you have given me from the beginning and love the way that within this community we can be both mentors and mentored at the same time, like it all keeps going around. ❤️

  3. I absolutely totally agree! You and HL give so much to everyone you meet.

    You’re an amazing mentor and inspiration and the fact that you do tell people to do only what works for them means you’re honest and down to earth.

    I always say to pregnant mums you’ll hear so much advice and the trick is to only use the advice that makes sense to you! I think the same applies to D/s….

    • Thank you sweet. I have had that post sitting as I was too uncomfortable to post it. In the end I pressed publish and then regretted it as I feel so arrogant I don’t know what made me write it. I see people respond to you in the same way and I have lots of friends where that is the case. I think in trying not to appear conceited we can play down why we are really here and why we love it ?

  4. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it many more times…I am so thankful to have found your blog and now the safeworD/s club! For a year you have been my mentor. Whenever I am in need of D/s advice, this is where I come. You and HL keep it real, and thank you for that!!! You helped to make my transition into a full time sub much easier than I thought it would be. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I look forward to many more years of visiting here and seeing what new and awesome things you and HL have to say.

  5. Missy,
    I read very few blogs anymore, I try to read yours when I have a moment. I am busy and well frankly I am not one to read much into the everything is always Great blogger. It very well might always be great for them, but I am one that can learn (sometimes) through others. The Good, Bad & Ugly can and does exist for some me being one of them. I read those that well I can relate to. I enjoy reading your blog and a few others. I believe your blog and website is probably very helpful to many people. The ups downs, twists & turns that makes it Better than average. I like better than average.

    • Thank you Honey and I appreciate your positive feedback. I miss you so it is good to see you. Hope to catch up soon ?

  6. No one is an expert and yet we all have experiences to share. You consistently post well thought out posts that shed light on your relationship and make others think. Your vulnerability and honesty are admirable and allow you to help others—not as an expert but rather as a friend who has experienced a lot of what you’ve talked about. Your kindness and caring shine through! Ultimately I think that makes you better than any expert!

    • Thank you so much Michael. That sums it up well as that is how I feel about it too. I appreciate your support on here ?

  7. Mentoring happens in so many ways. Anytime we become an influencer of how others live or do things, we become a mentor of sorts. As we become more public with our influence, we become mentors to people we’ve never even met, and without our knowledge. Queen and I share your story of finding few resources that were what we were looking for. Having kids, jobs, other responsibilities, and also wanting to focus more on our own intimacy rather than pursue things that just “weren’t us” sounds just like your story. That’s why we began to follow your blog. So much of how you and HL “do married D/s” is what we are aiming for. And because of that…you became our primary mentor in 24/7 married D/s. Even though we’ve never met. (Although we’d love to have the opportunity someday!) Thanks for mentoring us on our journey! It appears the cap does fit. ?

    • Awww thank you so much – that really does mean a lot to me. And I do agree about it happening in so many ways. ❤️

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