….we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.Louis de Bernières
In my post, Roots, I wrote about the impact that change and loss had on our relationship and in particular, the way that it impacted on our dynamic. The post was written back in January of 2017 so well over a year and a half ago now. Wow. What I thought when I wrote then would be a temporary change turned out to become a way of life for us really. That is not to say that I don’t still hope sometimes that things ‘will get back to normal,’ but as with many changes I have had to accept that probably this is my new normal.
That isn’t an issue in itself as I believe as people we can be adaptable to change, even when the changes are forced upon us or aren’t changes which are favourable. Being resistant to accepting your circumstances and not being able to work with what you have (even if that means that you are working to change things again) is where it can fall apart. And within a relationship, if you aren’t on the same page with regard to your acceptance and any subsequent plans for where you go next, it can lead to issues.
I suppose that is why I wanted to revisit the idea of roots which grow together over the years, as for us, the challenges have allowed us to do that as much as if they had been things that we had chosen. Admittedly there has been frustration at the things we feel we have lost but also there has been the building things together of things that we can do and that will work. We have looked again at how we can make the most of things and by doing that together, we have created something which is still our own, even if a little different to how it used to be.
It can be tiring when it feels like bad luck keeps blowing your way and it is hard not to get into that mindset where you almost come to expect it, but as long as you don’t stop planning then you can usually find something that will work for you. I have always looked at people who face adversity or loss and wonder where they find the motivation to keep fighting even when it seems to be against the odds. I have the greatest admiration for them and find it incredibly inspiring to hear stories of those who have bounced back even stronger through their determination to carry on.
Perhaps I have been able to use that to put our own situation into perspective and to keep hold of the fact that what we have is each other. That is ultimately what is important to us and to focus on that has allowed us to keep growing together. To use the analogy above, we are left with a tree which looks different than it did in some ways, but in others it is richer and stronger. We are at the point now where we can take our attention back off the roots which seem to be so firmly entwined together and enjoy again the blossoms which are starting to come through.
Life is strange in the things it deals you and I try not to go down a route of thinking too hard about why things end up being. As I get older, I am much more content to slow down and breathe and enjoy what is going on around about me and the same is true of our relationship. Although it is exciting and passionate and intense, it is also relaxed and natural and stable. Nothing too much seems to phase it if we keep each other as the focus and allow the stuff of life to revolve around us.
That’s what roots are for and it so great that you two can join together and not let adversity bother you too much – don’t get me wrong you will have your hurts and pains because of things in life but the best thing is that your relationship provides a kinda shield x
Thanks May. I agree that life is better together ?
Our dynamic is very different to yours, but I can identify with the outside influences playing a part in how you grow together. We are both going through job changes ourselves at the moment, but that seems to be pulling us closer together and we are working towards new goals both together and apart. I found a lot of what you said in this post and your previous ‘Roots’ post very timely and gave me some things to think on regarding my own situation, so thank you for sharing x
You are welcome Floss and I am so glad that it helped. It really hit HL quite hard but approaching it as something that happened to us rather than something that happened to him made it easier. ?
I think it is times like this when you really know the power of your relationship, when things are tough and you pull together, that is an absolute triumph in my opinion
I feel the same Molly. I don’t like the things which come to test us but actually I feel so much safer now than I ever have before 🙂
Well put. I had missed the original post; very well done there too. We are a year removed from a similar upheaval. As we continue to work through creating our new reality it’s comforting to have a place we can go that we’ve committed to keeping unchanged.
I didn’t realise how it would work either. I think it shocked people that we seemed to be happy when they thought we shouldn’t be and couldn’t work it out. Underneath there were elements which were hard but keeping close made such a huge difference. 🙂
I think it’s very apt …. a tree…. only as strong as the roots below ❤️
Life has thrown us a lot of curveballs in the past two years and where we haven’t communicated about our D/s as much as we should have, the bit we did is what’s keeping us strong. That, and our love.
I think it is hard when things are challenging but I know what you mean about it keeping you strong. ?
This is such a moving but affirmative piece. I am proud of and admire how strong you both are and have been and that you are able to keep the focus there, this is a model I strive to emulate, thank you for sharing x
Thank you so much Kis. That is very kind especially from someone who knows us in real life ?