What is a Lifestyle Submissive?
I would term myself as a lifestyle submissive. To me this means that I am submissive to my husband 24/7; this is not to say that I am actively submitting every minute of every day. I work and I sleep and I do the regular things that people do. What it does mean is that I am ready to submit to him at any point during that time. It means that I put his needs first and think about what will make him happy. That sounds like it could be a bit one sided, but actually a D/s dynamic requires that he also puts my needs first so it works out pretty well usually.
Being a lifestyle submissive differs from other forms of submission in that you have agreed that this is something that you want to do all of the time. Other relationships may be bedroom only or could involve submission as part of play with another person. As all people are different, so all relationships are different and each person must decide what works best for them, but for us what we wanted was really a D/s marriage. We probably differ from some in that while we do have a contact, this is secondary. I suppose really that we are husband and wife first and Dom and sub second, but for us the two feel as one and the same.
Finding a level of Dominance and submission that works for you
I think it is really important if you are thinking about this sort of relationship that you create something that works for you and fits around the lifestyle that you have already. It is not so much living a submissive lifestyle as working the submission into your life. As such, it becomes a very organic thing which changes and moves and grows with you as the other factors in your life alter and you respond to that. We have woven the power exchange dynamic into the various aspects of our marriage in a way which works for us, but might look very different to the next couple.
As much as I might enjoy to be kneeling naked at the door waiting for HisLordship to return from work, I am actually out working myself and there is usually a puppy and a couple of teenagers in close proximity to our front door. Perhaps one day when things have changed this will be something that we try, but for now a simple greeting ritual is what works for us. This allows me to move from a situation where I am out at work, making decisions for myself, to an environment where I will naturally defer to him. I suppose it is a way of us saying to one another that I am his.
Why do this full time? Isn’t bedroom enough?
Leading a submissive lifestyle full time is easier for me than when we tried to do it just in the bedroom. While in theory I found it incredibly hot to think that I was his and he would use me as and when he wanted to, in reality I found it hard to make the mental shift from being in control of my own time and decisions, to suddenly being told what to do and how and when to do it. The way we are now means that I can slip into the mental headspace that I need to be in much more easily because it is never very far away from me. It is fed continually by the rules and rituals that we have in place which extend far beyond our sexual play.
The main advantage to us of living this sort of lifestyle is that we are much more closely connected than we were before. There were times that it worked really well of course and we had all the foundations of a D/s dynamic before we began, but this has given us the structure that we really need in order to sustain that connection more consistently. Focusing on the needs of the other means that we can keep each other at the centre and allow the stuff of life to revolve around us, rather than these other pressures and events becoming our focus.
Feeling his Dominance is key
I would say that I am not a natural submissive in that submitting doesn’t always come naturally to me. I can push back and fight against it and require a tough love approach at times. Although I give my submission freely, I do like to feel the strength of his Dominance and to feel that he is taking my submission from me. I suppose it is a bit like the thrill of the chase; I will run or put up a bit of a fight but that just means that my final surrender is all the more significant to me and to him.
Submission allows me to be free from myself and from the social constraints and barriers that life has created. It allows me to break down my layers of protection so that I am raw and exposed. There is such honesty in that and it is thrilling and intoxicating to feel like I have been seen, to know that I am loved for who I am and to be safe to be that person. It is exciting and intense and intimate in a way which can sometimes be hard to believe and hard to explain. It feels like I can give as much as I want and that won’t be too much for him, and at the same time it feels that I am enough.
I do not pretend for one moment that living this sort of lifestyle would work for everyone but it works for us. It allows us to have things that we couldn’t have otherwise and love in a way that we wouldn’t otherwise. There are always different roads to take you to where you want to be and this is our way to go where we want to go. It fits with the personalities that we have and we have tailored it to work with the life that we lead together. Although some would consider D/s an alternative lifestyle it doesn’t feel like that to us, it feels like a very natural way to be.
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We each live what works for us!! Only the obnoxious would tell another how to live. Our relationship is subtle most of the time! But on occasion my Queen exerts herself and I fall into line.
That sounds familiar ?
Nicely put, thank you x
You are welcome ?
Great post, missy! I really identify with what you have written here. I am going to ask my husband about possibly implementing a greeting ritual. I think it would be helpful for us and set the right “tone” when he comes home from work each night. Thank you 🙂
Thank you Nora. We have found it helps both our mindsets. As you know it is quite a shift for me but also with HL working from home more now, it helps for him to too ?
That makes a lot of sense!
I loved this. I relate to so much … especially with regards to family constraints ? Can I ask you to elaborate on what your ritual entails please? I’d love to know. ❤️
We have tried various things at different times depending on what was required. Currently it is slightly complicated as there are three different instructions depending on the time and who else is around. He will add to the basic one depending on his mood. I can explain more to you directly as it will be a long comment ?
Thanks xx
You look great in jeans. 🙂
Awww thanks. I was going for the normal. Initially the picture was much bigger and it felt strangely exposing. How ironic is that?
I am submissive in the bedroom only – i am not sure how i would manage the all day long version – maybe I should try and see 😉 x
I think if you have something that works well then why change it. I don’t think mine is that much different. It is a perception perhaps. It means that my mindset and approach is different. I am an all or nothing sort of person though so it suits me. I have always been naturally submissive in the bedroom in terms of play. But I didn’t always want to submit when we were dipping in and out if that makes sense.
I guess that I am a lifestyle submissive. I asked my wife if she thought I was truly submissive to her, or just a sex game for the bedroom. She said that she knows that I am truly submissive to her.
I think that I have a lot more room to grow in my submission. I have come a long way but there is still room for improvement and I know that I want to go deeper into it. 🙂
I love posts like this as they really help people consider other lifestyles and help them find the right one for them. I think people find submission outside of the bedroom harder to understand as well. Whilst I don’t think it matters if other people understand the choices we make, it is good for those who might want to try something similar.
Aurora x
Thank you so much aurora. I know what you mean about people finding it hard to understand. I think that there is a lot of confusion, much of which is generated by the false pictures created by some of the fiction that is written on the matter. Having said that, most of those I have met who are doing this as a lifestyle lead lives which look similar to ours 🙂
Finding what works is what it’s all about. 🙂
Indeed. And I feel so lucky that I have been able to find this 🙂
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Wonderful to read . . . and love the “Although some would consider D/s an alternative lifestyle it doesn’t feel like that to us, it feels like a very natural way to be.” . . . really lovely !!!
Xxx – K
Thank you so much. I sometimes get stuck in that thought process – I wondered for a while if we were no longer kinky as what had felt naughty and daring at first began to feel like just what we did. A reality check over a conversation with vanilla friends soon sorted that one out lol 🙂
True…some would regard this as an alternative lifestyle, but for us as for you, it seems natural. We would actually say it may be better! Considering all the fighting and power struggles before committing to 24/7 D/s marriage, we are now more intimately connected, more emotionally honest, kinder to each other (and have better sex!).
I so completely understand what you mean about needing to have my submission taken. I am actually submissive naturally in most ways, but in my world outside the home, I’m the highest leader in my business and very “Type A”. But I’m happy, and prefer, to leave that when with my Queen. We don’t have a FLR as we both believe I’m still the “head of the home” regarding finances, welfare, and spiritual oversight. But since we are on the same page with those things anyway, it allows me to flow naturally into my submissive self when I come home. And it is so freeing to leave behind an environment where everyone and every decision depends on me! Our struggle as the D/s dynamic is new for us, is that she will still try to accommodate and serve me, when I’d prefer to be doing that for her…by her domination. While I know I should, and do, fill my sub role voluntarily, there are times I just want her to force me to my submission. And maybe even help force me to a newer level of submission! There’s something special about being taken and giving without fighting back.
I understand exactly what you are saying and I think that in time it will probably evolve. I know that the stereotype of a Dominant is a person who is very controlling and insistent that their needs are met, but in reality, those I have met are more naturally nurturing and loving. I think that serving and being served comes as part of the power exchange but there are other parts which are equally as important when it is a lifestyle.
We have experimented with times which are higher protocol where there is much more control and that has worked as it is shorter term and still allows us to be the people we are. There was a concern that we would lose ourselves to some degree so we will dial it up and dial it down at different times if that makes sense.
I always find it difficult how to describe myself as a submissive. Being submissive is part of my nature, but as you describe above, I am also a lifestyle submissive, as I do make my own decisions, and now with Master T not well, I do make decisions for both of us, but I also chose to submit to his will. Now that he is not well, nothing happens D/s-wise, except that he puts my night collar on me every night and I still feel that I am his. Our marriage always comes first, but our D/s is so much part of that too, whether we are active with it or not…
This post has sparked some thoughts in me.
Rebel xox
I can understand you feeling that the D/s is a huge part of it. I think when it is part of your lifestyle then it just becomes what you are and the two are hard to separate. As you say this is often about the way you feel rather than about the things that you do. Sometimes things happen to alter the dynamic such as with health issues but it doesn’t have to affect the foundation of the relationship. Thank you for your comment. It is always interesting to hear about similarities and the way it works for others ❤️
I enjoyed reading this, thank you – I love hearing about successful D/s dynamics as the uniqueness of each relationship reminds me that really, it’s about the people, the communication, the trust and support; not the protocols or paraphernalia. It sounds like you both have something mutually and healthily symbiotic – beat wishes to you both x
Haha that should say “best wishes” but I guess the typo is amusingly appropriate!
Oh lol. I didn’t even noticed but I do enjoy a good impact session ?
Thank you so much for such a kind comment. And I do agree that it is more about how you are together than what you actually do ?
Great piece missy, grateful to have walked with you both along the journey into this lifestyle x
Yes same here. What a journey it has been so far ?
“I do like to feel the strength of his Dominance and to feel that he is taking my submission from me.” This is SO me. In fact i would say this the corner stone of my submission.
Mollyx
Me too Molly. I am happy to submit to him in other ways but it always feels a little like that is on my own terms. I get into that whole who is in control mindset and in reality it is much better for me when that is gone and I am caught on the hop. That is what really pushes me deeper into my submissive headspace.