I am in trouble. Today I broke two rules in a very short space of time. This is really not like me as I don’t like punishment and also my rules are things that I have agreed to because they are in my own best interest. That being said, we all have bad days and when I am under pressure it can be difficult not to just react. That is what happened with the first, and the second was just naughty really.
The first thing I did was when we were taking my nipple picture. I have said in the post how hard I found it. One of my rules is that I am not to express negative thoughts about myself. This has been so good for me really and has helped with how I feel about myself. It was also something I did that annoyed HL. He likes me and felt irritated when I criticised myself and put myself down. He used to counter the negatives with something positive but D/s gave him the opportunity to make me stop. So I did.
I am not saying that I never think anything bad, of course I do, but now I have to try to keep it in which for the most part I manage. In taking this picture, I had to look at myself in the mirror as I tried to get the little nipple jewels to stick on right. The “Oh my God that is disgusting!” just sort of slipped out and I was not even aware that I had done it until he pointed it out. Even at that point I continued to defend my actions by repeating what I felt about how I looked, to draw him in. I do see how annoying and insulting this was for him and I fully accept that I messed up. Strike one.
The second rule break came following the photo. If the first was part of the stress of the build up, then the second was part of the release at it being over. Never one to miss an opportunity, especially where there is a partially naked body close at hand, HL proceeded to remove the rest of my clothes and take me there and then. As is frequently the way when things move fast, it was also hard and deep. I am often caught between the pleasure and the pain as my body lurches and teeters between what is bearable and what isn’t.
These sort of encounters usually find me moaning and gasping out loud as I move from ‘ow!’ to ‘oo!’ and back again. In one such rise towards a point where I felt my insides would explode I cried out, “You had better make it quick!” Yikes – strike two. He challenged me immediately and although it was not meant as it sounded. and he knew that, he repeated it as a question. He continued briefly, then stopped and ordered me onto my hands and knees saying that I had put him off. Clearly I did not put him off so very much although I fully accept that I was disrespectful during the throws of passion and will take my punishment accordingly.
I like that he holds you to the high standard that he sees you.
It feels good actually. I used to try to resist it but less so these days ?
Why resist seeing as much value in yourself as he does?
HD gave me a very similar rule; I am not allowed to be negative or disparaging about myself. It’s hard to adapt to a new way of thinking after so many years of the same pattern of thought, and sometimes things still slip out. 🙁
Yes they do. I have made headway with my actions but my thoughts remain a challenge ?
My bear has a similar rule for me too. But sometimes I cant help but think negatively about myself. So when I do have such negative thoughts I sing them, and then no one really hears the negative thoughts, they hear the beautiful melody. And when it’s a song, it’s a performance piece, and not “real, really real”. If you know what I mean?
I do. That is a good idea. Fortunately my rule is about voicing them out loud and not about thinking them. I have to accept compliments graciously too rather than arguing against them ?
Oh my, I dont sing them when anyone is around! More like when I’m frustrated looking for crap that the kids or bear has misplaced or I’m cleaning and in grumpy. Haha. Bear is way too smart to catch on if i did it in front of him. But i am battling 30+ years of negative self talk. So at least it’s not as bad as it used to be!! 🙂 it’s really been a huge turn around realizing that I’m the only one worth bear’s time and effort. Because people are easy, and I’m not easy. Haha. That sounds really perverse but it’s not.
I’m also being more demanding that when I do something, I get the praise and recognition for it! So I dont get resentful and shit
It sounds like it is working really well for you ?
Oh dear ?
??? ooo nooo. What’s the punishment? I’m nervous for you
We had to have a long talk about what I did. And I got spanked too.
Uh oh missy, totally understandable on both counts but maybe a rule or something about the thoughts too may help them from popping out? Easier said than done though I know x
Noooooo. No thought police lol. I am a long way from being able to control my thoughts 🙂
aren’t we all! ?
I’m a bit ??!