I struggle to explain how I feel about our relationship – about what we have. It is love for sure but also it is also ‘more’ than love and sometimes that overwhelms me. It is not something that I ever thought I would get and I think that is part of my confusion. If you had told me that this sort of relationship existed I would have thought it unlikely. If you had told me that I would be constantly surprised, constantly challenged and constantly overcome by the enormity of what passes between us, I would have doubted you for sure.
Those things didn’t exist for people like me – over-thinkers who had unrealistic desires. I had always wanted the more whilst realistically expecting the less. For that was life. I wasn’t someone who could make something small appear big, I just enjoyed the small that I had and put the big out of my head. I knew that there were people who swore that they had what I dreamed of, but I looked at them closely and saw that they didn’t; they just wanted different things to me and the rest was down to semantics. Life is always relative after all.
So finding a love which was more that love was huge for me. It was intoxicating from the beginning. It was like a drug that I was immediately hooked on. I couldn’t say no and I couldn’t give it up. It had a physical effect on me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The lust, the passion, the craving that I had for him and for what he made me feel. All along it has felt that I found what I always wanted – someone who wanted as much as I did and who didn’t find me too much. He gave me the more that I had sought. He gave me the intensity and I didn’t have to dilute myself anymore.
Even after 10 years together, it still feels intense to me. There are times that I want to climb inside of him. To literally disappear. There are moments when I feel that we become one and others when we move together simultaneously, side by side. We feel aligned and I feel like he wants me on a level I can give. I don’t have to hold back anymore. He allows me to be free to let go. He sees what is at the centre, he sees what I really am, and he loves me.
For me that is more than love. It is unconditional and it is unwavering. It is trust and it is belief. It is organic and it moves and changes with us and for us. It encompasses what we become as individuals and as a couple and it steers us forward together. It is strong and roots us firmly. It makes us more certain and it makes us braver. It gives us an energy and a force which surprises us sometimes. And caught up in it, we grow together with a love that is more than love.