I don’t want to be writing this post but then again, I don’t want to be feeling like I do. Actually I feel okay now but before I didn’t. Now I am here. Matter of fact. Being rational. And the thing about writing about what happens is that you don’t always want to tell the story, you don’t always want people to know what happens, but it is part of the full picture and therefore it is just as much a part of it as the other stuff. I suppose really the theme here is that just because you know what you should do, it doesn’t mean that you do it. And that just because you have been here before, doesn’t mean that you won’t come back again, and again, and again in some instances. Knowing doesn’t always mean doing.
Just a few short weeks ago, in From a Distance, I wrote about the realisation that HisLordship and I had not really approached being apart in the right way. I think that when you have one of those ‘Ahhhhh’ moments, you expect the action to immediately tie in with the thought – problem solved. However, this is not always the case, and HL’s current trip to Thailand is testament to that. The idea of doing the little things, the normal things, hasn’t really added up to much and the little we have been able to do has not been enough to keep us on the same wavelength.
Initially things got off to a good start. We had just survived a week of house guests and non-stop entertaining and so celebrated with a couple of good scenes prior to him leaving. This meant that we were both feeling really close, both physically and emotionally. Now it does make it hard in some ways as I think for us this means that we miss the other more keenly, but it also means that the dynamic feels really strong and we both feel really together despite the physical separation. This was just as well as the first day and a half was taken up mostly with him flying and being unavailable.
Not to worry though as I enjoyed indulging in my feelings of missing him. We had a little WhatsApp chat during his layover and then, later on, I read the post that he had written, One Afternoon in Schiphol Airport. Having access to his thoughts and feelings from the previous day made a big difference and added to the feeling of longing that I had for him to be back here with me. I also felt really horny for him thinking back about what we had shared. When he finally arrived in country he was exhausted. I went with the plan of doing the normal things and FaceTimed him for a bit as I sat with the rest of the family. Unfortunately our efforts were thwarted due to a dodgy wifi signal his end, so eventually we gave up on the freezes and stammers and stutters and he took to bed.
Time zones always add another layer of frustration as it is hard to do the normal things when your schedules are so off. Two days down and three to go, I had high hopes for yesterday. There was virtually no contact during the day (predictable as the purpose of the trip was to work) but the evening was a disappointment. I had been feeling stressed about something and had shared that with him via message throughout the day. My mood spiralled as my anxiety grew and I knew that I wasn’t managing it well. When he did send a reply, it was to tell me not to worry. That is always easier said than done and although I knew it wasn’t really the case, I felt like I had been fobbed off.
We continued to share a few texts back and forth with the lag making it pretty stilted and a bit off. The culmination was a series of crossed messages. A voice recording of an orgasm from him and pictures of the puppy destroying a toy from me! How disconnected we had become so quickly. As my anxiety continued to grow it mingled with my frustration at the same time that he announced that he had to get some sleep and said goodnight. As the thought that a there was time for an orgasm but not time for me flitted across my mind, I drifted further from my submissive space.
I had moved from feeling the closeness, to feeling that I needed the closeness, to feeling that I had lost the closeness. None of this is his fault and I hope it doesn’t sound like I am blaming him. I am simply charting the change that happens when things spiral out of control for me. What happens, is that I take control. I had drifted around a bit aimlessly for a day, not really being productive and hoping that I would receive some direction. When that didn’t happen I took over. I spoke to a couple of friends about how I was feeling and that helped. I become proactive and kicked myself into gear.
This morning when I woke up I felt fine; albeit, not submissive fine, but I have never pretended to be very good at submission. It is something that I want dearly but it does not always come easily to me. I am quick to jump back into the old ways that served me so well and wait there until my sub is required again. So I harnessed superwoman. The washing was done, the menus for next week were completed, the cake tins were refilled with freshly baked goodies and the dog was taken for a long walk. Yes, I was back. Micro managing my way out of my feelings.
It is so tricky to get that balance right. It is hard to be able to always be enough for someone, or indeed to be what they actually need at that particular time. Submission is a choice, and I do choose it, but the level I can give is based on the Dominance too. Our dynamic needs the give and take to really work properly for us. I can provide a picture of submission easily enough but in reality it is not true submission. It is submission on my terms with the bits and pieces that I can give when I am not feeling Dominated. I can give respect and consideration and I can put his needs first, but I cannot give up control. That need for control is at the core and it makes me tick.
What I really want of course is for him to be in control. To take my reigns and, all that comes to mind is to say ride me like a wild horse, but you get the picture. My submission is in parts and some parts are easier to give than others. Some are conditional on a give and take and others will slip easily over me, or come from within me. Loss of control, the thing that I am most scared of but most desperate for, is not one which comes easily or without conditions. I have always said I am a work in progress and this time apart is evidence that the work is far from complete. There are those who strive for a perfect life and those who strive to perfect the life that they have, and we are certainly the of the latter group.
So please come home to me soon Sir. I miss you and I want you and I need you. I have cleaned the house and baked your favourite cake. I have looked after our children and successfully removed a tick from the dog. I have drunk some wine and stayed up past my bedtime. I have had four orgasms without permission and will likely have another tonight (the hornyness didn’t fade). I know that I am a challenge and hope that makes owning me all the more rewarding for you. For I am not easy but I am owned and I hope that you will take ownership of me again upon your return.