the no so secret submissive

The not so secret submissive

I often look at people who are completely open about leading a D/s dynamic and wish I could be more like that. I believe so strongly in what we are doing and in the fact that it is the right thing for us. I know that it wouldn’t suit everyone but I also think there are other couples who’s relationships might also lend themselves to such a dynamic, so it feels important to me that I should advocate for it. So not being ‘out’ is something that is hard for me. In lots of ways I don’t want my other life to be a secret.

There is really only one reason that I choose not to reveal my real identity and that is the fact that it would not sit well with my profession. While being submissive in itself would not be something which could lose me my job, it would cause some issues. The content of my blog, however, is likely to be much more limiting in terms of my career. It makes me angry that this is the case as it seems unfair that I should be deemed morally unfit, but that would be the likely outcome.

This is why I choose to stick with the pseudonym of missy. However, I don’t see missy as being an online persona; I see her as being me. She is as big a part of me as the part who is known to the vanilla world and actually those who know missy have a much better picture of who I actually am than the others. She is very definitely real and I think that she is probably the most real part of me, so I tend to reveal as much as I can to give the truest picture I can.

The details of my life which I choose to share on here are true. I try to be sensible but in reality if anyone who knows me from my other life was to stumble onto my blog, the dots would not be hard to join up. I prefer to think that if this happened, they would have found my blog for the reason that we have a lifestyle in common rather to out me and make my life difficult, but you can never be too careful. I don’t think I am hidden exactly, but neither am I in full view.

Although the two parts of me are quite well defined, there is a definite overlap between them because, of course, I am one person. Ultimately they are different in terms of what each can reveal due to the expectations, and the restrictions, placed upon them. This is really just a perception as I am who I am, some people just don’t see fully who that is. Those who know me from the online world may not know the name I use in the vanilla world and may not know where I live but they know about what makes me, me.

In ‘real life’ I am open about our relationship, my blog and our site where I can be. I have shared this with some family and with a number of friends. This has happened because it is a big part of me and so I can’t really remain close to someone without being honest about who I am. From my experience the limits to vanilla friendships where I can’t disclose the whole truth seem to happen more and far outweigh the limits placed on online relationships where I don’t disclose my real name.

One of the main reasons for an online presence in the first place was for us to meet other people in similar dynamics, so we have made a point of trying to meet up with people I have built relationships with online from the beginning really. HL and I went out of our way to meet several couples from the first site we were members on and later organised an event for us all to attend. We have subsequently had people to stay with us and our family, so I don’t really feel that there are too many limits to where it can go once the trust has been established.

Clearly we take chances with people but this life is about taking chances sometimes and I do believe in the old adage – nothing ventured, nothing gained, so we try to make these calculated risks. I hope that things don’t backfire on me one day but I will not live in fear of this happening and allow it to prevent me from forming friendships and growing as a person. If things happened and it all turned bad then I think I would have to stick my flogger in the sand, harness my warrior princess, and look for a very good kink-friendly employment lawyer.



F4TFriday #59 – It’s A Secret

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , .


  1. Your bravery is commendable!! I keep my life secret too for many of the same reasons as you. Ultimately it would be nice to be “out”, but submissive males are judged negatively and often “hated” upon.

  2. You know how much I share your frustrations around all this given what we do, in all aspects, but I’m glad to have trusted and been trusted and what that grew into x

  3. I accidentally sent a link to my blog to mys sister. I asked her to delete it and she said she did, but who knows…?!
    Other than being known to the handful of people I have met from Twitter, I hope I am anon!

  4. I’ve no idea what your profession is (and don’t want to know) but as someone who has appointed staff at all sorts of levels, I don’t think I’d let someone’s sexual preferences, even if I knew them, affect a professional relationship, providing they were legal and consensual.

  5. The bit about “missy” being a fuller picture of the “real” you than the vanilla version really struck a chord. My vanilla online persona is only a part of me, an important part buts still only that. It’s only when you add all of the facets together that you come up with the “full picture” of a person. Even then, there will always be some elements that we keep strictly to ourselves.

  6. I only “know you” as missy but Queen and I refer to you as real (as missy) in our conversations as anyone in a physical world. I feel that your writings are so real to the true you, that if we met in person, we’d prefer to call you missy anyway. ?
    As for the anon online life…we are totally there with you! My profession would have zero acceptance for our D/s relationship much less some of the kink. But you’re right…it allows and causes some of the online relationships to become more real over time than the vanilla ones in “real” life. Queen and I have talked about how cool I would be to visit Scotland and maybe get to have dinner with y’all (that word just gave away where we live ?)! So here’s to real being real…even if it’s anon for a while.

    • I know what you mean and I have enjoyed being able to take the online friendships into real life where possible. It would be cool to meet one day. ?

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