communicating with your Dominant

Tell me

tell me

During our chat the other night, one of the Doms asked if any of the subs found it hard to tell their Dominant how they were really feeling. I think that this got a few of us thinking as Sweetgirl posted last week on the same topic. At the time most of the other subs said that they did find it hard to share their emotions and the way they were feeling with their Dominants.  For me however, I seemed to have the shoe on the other foot. I don’t have any problem communicating with HisLordship about how I feel. In fact sometimes the opposite is probably true.

In that respect submission has helped me as it has forced me to stop and take time. To think about what I want to say and when I want to say it. I have made great progress in doing this but when I am feeling especially emotional about something it will still have the tendency to pour out and land at his feet with a splash. He is very good at managing this but I know that sometimes it is difficult for him to take the level of emotion and feeling that I communicate with him. I tend to speak from the heart and am pretty aware of what my needs are so it can be quite a lot for him to take on.

I would say that much of this comes from being quite analytical. My mind is whirring all the time processing and analysing and evaluating. I often envy the fact that HL says this doesn’t happen to him. It makes for a much less obsessive and reactive approach but it also makes it harder for him to communicate with me what his own needs are. There is a happy medium but we are opposites in this respect so we reach that medium by acting as a control on the other. He will reign me in and I will draw him out.

This works well for us and is something we have got used to with regards to communicating our emotional needs and state. Things are different with the physical side of the relationship and here the tables are well and truly turned. I find it very difficult to communicate my sexual needs. I have written before about the fact that he would like me to voice more about what I am thinking and feeling in this regard but it is not something that comes naturally. He is the opposite.

Some of this is down to embarrassment but more is about not really connecting with what my needs are. I have always been naturally submissive in the bedroom and find it hard to think about what I want to get from the experience. I am not driven by seeking pleasure although I can see it would be easier if I was. The pleasure I get seems to be reactive and responsive. I have always loved sex and there must be things that I would like but to have to think about that and articulate it in the moment would actually push me out of the place where I would feel arousal from it.

To be stacked like this doesn’t seem to appear to sit me with the majority and sometimes I aspire to be like those who can see it all much more clearly. I suppose I am lucky that I have that clarity of vision with my emotional side but I do feel lacking with the physical side. After the event I can explain what I liked and didn’t and what worked and didn’t and why, but at the time, those feelings – the ‘do it like this’ and ‘oh yes like that’ and ‘a little bit more pressure and to the left’ just isn’t accessible.

Neither is to offer aspects of play that I would like, at the time that they are possible. I am far more likely to reveal something indirectly during a conversation where things are detached than to ask for something in the heat of the moment. I don’t think this is so much down to embarrassment as down to the fact that I am not tuned in to that part of me. I rely on HL to access that for me. And he does. Again the partnership works and he supports me where I fall down.

I hope that over time we will both grow in terms of the way we communicate our wants and needs with each other. I don’t think that we will ever share the same approach but I think that working together, supporting each other and playing to our strengths will allow us to keep communicating effectively and building on what we have. Through our intimacy and attentiveness, we have developed a process which allows us to discover and meet the needs of the other even when that has not been directly articulated so although it is work, it does actually work!

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , .


  1. A wonderful post Missy thank you for sharing. I think many good partnerships are composed of opposites and the fact that one compliments the other.. I see this in MrH and I but I am struggling to find a way to draw him out (hopefully in time I will find a way) as I think feedback from them is as important for us as it is for them, it serves to teach and guide but also to reassure.

  2. Great post missy, it’s so interesting the difference between struggles expressing feelings and expressing physical needs, especially with a partner who is an ‘opposite’, and I can relate that well to C & I. He’s so steady and logical, and I’m…not! Maybe like you two though, a good balance.

  3. Thanks for sharing Missy. I am a lot like you I think especially with being unable to express physical needs at the time, I’ve never been able to do that. When it comes to emotional needs, it is the most valuable part of being in D/s for me, that I am learning how to recognize and communicate my emotional needs. Overall I dont think I’ve ever been able to communicate effectively with my past partners and though sometimes I struggle to actually start the conversation with Sir, I am getting much better at it.

  4. Thank you for sharing, missy! In a lot of ways, our dynamics are similar…I’m usually overflowing with emotions, thoughts, ideas….and it takes awhile to draw that out of my husband. But, it seems to work well most of the time.

  5. Now that we both have accepted the fact that I am totally submissive to her, I find it so easy to tell her everything that’s on my mind…My fantasies and everything else.

  6. Very interesting post – your D/s dynamic always seems very balanced when I read your posts, so it’s new to me for you to reveal an area you need to work on, although your already tackling it with a great mindset. I applaud how honest and open you are and obviously your posts are helping so many others with their ‘sub’ role – go you!
    On a lighter note, my #masturbationmonday piece is about a sub keeping a diary of what she likes and doesn’t like, and ‘Sir’ finding it! Why not take a read? I’m sure it’ll entertain you if nothing else, and you can give me tips on my portrayal of the relationship xx

    • Thank you for the heads up. I will definitely check it out. And there are loads of things that we try to work on. I would say that the sort of dynamic highlights that as you are constantly evaluating. ?

  7. So much of this rings true for me too. If someone (even my husband) asks me what I like in the bedroom, what I want them to do to me, I cannot bring it under words. I draw a complete blank. During sex I sometimes say, harder or softer or more to the left/right, but mostly only afterwards I can tell you whether something was really enjoyable or not. I will, however, never start on it myself, but will answer questions honestly. Sometimes we are strange creatures. Sometimes I wish I could be more articulate about what I want and need, but I guess I should just accept that I’m not. I do, however, seem to be able to communicate it in writing…
    Rebel xox

    • I also find it easier in writing. I don’t think I would find it easy if he asked me to write it down for him though. I tend to do it in a more indirect way ?

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.